The Melting pot is Hot

Breathe!

2012-01-26T02:42:00.001-06:00

True love comes but a mere once in life. At a time when calamity and sadness have filled my life in walked the most beautiful creature ever did I see. I am dumbfounded and punch drunken at the thought of what has appeared before me. never in a million years would I have been able able to pen a more perfect script. However it ends up I am thankful you are here.

I have and will love you always more now than ever before if that's even possible. I am a different man today than the one you knew then. A better man than ever I was. Dance with me tonight in my dreams.....

"Virginia is for Lovers"

2012-01-25T03:20:00.000-06:00

In the annals of time it can be said that love ever elusive as she is, is a son of a bitch. This last year has been one fraught with unbearable milestones in my my life. My mother passed away on December 16th 2011. My mother was woman. In every sense of the word. Caring, Loving, fiercely defensive of her children. I loved my mother more than I have ever loved anything. Her passing was not a shock, however nothing could have ever prepared me for the greatest loss of my life.

I speak of love here often, as you all know....I have not been graced with life's greatest treasures...or have I? In my 45 years of life I have had 3 great loves....This I know above all to be true...Love never dies...Heather was the 1st, as I have written here we were a mere 16 years of age until I joined the US Navy we were together the two of us. I loved her with all that my young soul could muster. We all know about Melinda......My dear Melinda Mother of my most precious gift Camron, my beautiful boy, my lineage, my birth right, my namesake.

In between there is a shadow of a woman that I have never mentioned here before. The type of woman that with a glance would make your heart skip a beat. The type of woman whose laugh would melt your very being. The type of woman that any man would fall head over heels in love with, and coddle for an eternity. For more years than I can count I searched for this poignant part of my past. I always claim that my score with love is Coby 0 love 100. I never seem to win in love. But looking back maybe I am the luckiest fella on this planet. I take you back to 1988 a young sailor on a Saturday night out to a nightclub in Virginia Beach Virginia. I remember her like it was yesterday.

The club's name was September's. I saw her there dancing...... with another fella at that! In a form fitting tube type dress with semi wide shoulder straps.....It was navy blue and white horizontal stripes. Her very visage struck me straight away. I knew I had to have her, I had to speak to her, this beautiful vision before me. I was never afraid of women but shy would be an under-statement. Tina and I were lucky enough to experience a whirlwind love affair. I fell for her immediately. within 6 months we were married. Yes married I said. Truly the love of all loves was now my wife at the ripe old age of 20, I a mere 21. I was but a year older. Tina was my world for a short time until youth captured the both of us and did to us what youth always does....Tears you apart. I could go on forever on what I remember of our short time together. Just the thought of her name haunted me my entire life. What if? What if I hadn't been such a young asshole? What if I had been a strong man at such a young age and defied statistics? What if..........

My entire life through relationship after relationship I searched for Tina. I cannot remember a time or year or even a minute that I didn't look for her. Many times coming quite close to finding her. So close.....but always eluding me was that shadow of a woman I loved with more of my soul than ever I gave away. The advent of the internet led me on the treasure hunt of a lifetime....Literally a lifetime. I found Tina on facebook about a year ago.

I spoke with her today. Funny how I always speak of Serendipity here. I actually "heard" her voice today. I cannot describe what I felt at that moment. I wish it would have lasted forever. I was drunk in her voice. It was just as I remembered. We spoke as though we had never had a 23 year gap in there. we spoke with ease and for 45 minutes I was in heaven again. Tina, I never stopped loving you. My family would attest to the fact that although beauty has always found me, I always wanted you....The most beautiful of them all, My Tina, my soul-mate. I know you are my soulmate because my soul has never relinquished your memory from itself. I love you today as though you and I never separated and ultimately divorced. Those earthly terms don't apply in this case. I long to hear your voice again. I will hear your voice again this I know. Two souls connected can never part, and in this lifetime I will have you once more. It's a dream I have.................to be continued......"When two worlds collide a miraculous birth occurs" Stephen Hocking.

FTW

2011-09-14T22:33:00.006-05:00

Fuck The world I always say. Art chaos has always quelched my hideous soul. I spite those that grab and feed and lie at best. Unsung rhetoric of the worst sort. Nothing compares to the emptiness I feel. The world around me begs and pleads to be part of my maniacal orchestra where words like love exist not. Fuck the World I say and all it is in it's petty thievery. They lie in wait for the bait that covets the ritual of hate.

Yes the fucking painting is of my hand......

I just want Something I can never Have

2011-09-14T03:01:00.002-05:00

So goes the melody, The soft sound of familiarity that rings in my ears. Never the one to get the prize....Such is life in the losers circle. Always falling short of glory by a nose even. Cruelty in it's purest form. Sound is my resolve, and my wittiest friend. Dark Day's again....

Wickets

2011-08-27T11:18:00.003-05:00

Wickets are snipity things I cling to when I feel lonely or upset. Wickets aren't really "things" at all. In reality wickets are my hopes and dreams. Sometimes there are many cracked and shattered wickets strewn to the front and back of my internal being.
Reality being what it is callous, and cold are truths......
Truth serum is what I need. My truth serum has always been my painting, I haven't painted in some time now. I think it may be time.

Tonight I will induce myself into a drunken stupor and do what it is I do. I will paint for you.........

Caught in the middle

2011-07-20T01:15:00.003-05:00

Left to right.......Tonight I ask for strength...why fight.

Caught in the middle with nowhere to run.....

Seeing no end......From the middle I come.

Treachery to witness to sit and stare at the calamity that surrounds me out there.

Caught in the middle without a chance to move.

Such a young age to have to anchor this mess...

Awaiting the end of it I watch life's clock....

I'm supposed to be the kid.......not the rock.

p.s It's alway's darkest before the dawn.

Truth

2011-07-16T01:57:00.004-05:00

I just want something I can never have. Chasing happiness in life is a sad tale, one I tell over, and over in my bruised and battered mind. I fight....I fight...but to whom? In it's plain sense of reality I only fight myself. Something within that bites, tugs and draws me into it's nothingness.. Satisfaction denied with the click of a furious touch of a fingertip. Digitized my soul has become and in itself it's lost. So beautiful am I to me, and me alone.

Highways

2011-07-02T20:54:00.005-05:00

So this is my life. The time to rise as a yeast infested concoction of heavenly chemistry rises to become a glorious pan of bread. For oh too long now I have traveled the path of least resistance. Traveled third class in a life that dealt me a bad hand. Or did it? Reflecting back a ceremonious twisted and depraved road has led me to this. It has truly led me to you. Without reservation I say this. You are my oxygen. You have awakened a sleeping giant. Many will scoff and laugh as they do and in the end? It will matter not. My dream will happen and nothing will stand in it’s way. Like a rusty and beaten steamroller I will trounce on a destiny that has lain low in it’s own secrecy. It is you. you know who you are. I am a butterfly indeed.....I feel more alive at this moment than ever I have felt before. It is as if something has plugged me into a live wire of insurmountable voltage. My mind roams free in ways I haven’t known in ages. A sleepy bear is awakening from a hibernation of hell. Join me in my feast as I fight for my dream! My dream is you, only you, you know who you are.

Serendipity

2011-06-26T17:39:00.010-05:00

Funny how fate works. one day your on facebook and a tiny lil game draws you into a yearlong odyssey of pleasure and pain. In the true sense of the word Serendipity was at work all along. By definition Serendipity means: (n) The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident. As one of my favorite movies challenges, is life a mere set of fortunate accidents after all? To look at the twists and turns of where I am today versus this same time last year one thing holds true. As cruel as Fate and destiny can be we have a wonderful safeguard to it all.....Serendipity.

I am pleased with you in every way. You are blood that feeds my heart. You are simply the air I breath. Quiet is your way, and solid is your foundation whether you see it or not. Intelligence your sword, and beauty is your destiny. How many turns you took to find me is anyone's guess. At every one of them the outcome would be different. Yet....Here you are, my most precious act of Serendipity.

I often gaze at the night sky wondering where the stars are in your eyes. I imagine you see them the same as I, yet different. Your eyes so big, and bright seeing the same stars at night, yet different. Yes I say it truly is a myriad of fortunate accidents that have led you to me. So you tell me? Is there really such a thing as fate? Or...Is life really an unset whirlwind of beautiful Serendipity. Life is very much like the photo I took that appears in this post. An unknown curve in the road. We cannot see it's beginning nor it's end. You have rekindled the eyes I once knew and lost to a digital world of meaningless fodder. You truly found the real me in a mixture of concocted masks. I hope I make you as happy as you make me my precious angel. This is for you and only you, you know who you are!

Amanda

2011-06-12T02:56:00.007-05:00

I sit I am and so much of me is nothing.....Until you.....show me how...I say to myself ...You do it, and I promise....I'll run away with you.....I see you..... you...So utterly perfect in every way...And I dream you see me..... ...So cluttering is your image that it makes me weak... Literally and utterly weak. Physically in every way, a weak sod of a human....And yet strong I am in your presence, and I ask why? and the answer is this!....If I must ask..... I know not......Yet I do.....Just like heaven...... It's everything you are, Everything you do.... Your crystaline eyes like Halo's they perplex me to my very soul , like a phoenix rising in your vision I am not worthy... I say I am so not worthy.... yet I am........Amanda I love everything about you... I love you.. Amanda....with all I am and all I ever hope to be. I adore, cherish, and dream you...I am your strength, you are mine...tick tock, and so the story goes..........be mine if only in my mind my love.....yes frantic is my mind and without caution I proclaim ....Just like heaven..........................

Yes I took this photogragh tonight of my self against a lonely street until there was you......If Only my love If only....

If only

2011-06-08T04:14:00.004-05:00

If only i could see the things that I don't see, If only I could grab the things that elude me.
I could walk a thousand miles , and never take a breath. Time so slowly crawling underneath my solemn fears. You release the frantic majesty within making days go ever so clear.
Falling and tumbling rolling in and out of wind-shed torrents of color.
Blistering to the touch my empty soul awakens to see a new dawn of amazement.
Deep and dark the search has been finding one and then another. Falling from grace on each attempt until the search seems futile Oh so futile.
A shimmering mind before me so new and so raw, so innocent and yet complex with darkness.
Tugging, pulling in all directions at once my soul yearns to know you. A picture in my minds eye.
Standing in the rain I feel each drop as they cascade and wash away a weary exterior.
Each drop cleansing a dirty self conscious.
I await that day of realization....The realization of you.

Sublime Libation

2011-06-01T22:01:00.003-05:00

Magical as a sultry libation. Tingly to the palate. Demure in presence, and yet as strong as a a bar of steel. Pristine in every way, delicate and torrid in one. Stunning in ways that most only dare to dream. Dreams take shape in forms unknown. Vivid sheets of crimson I see. A universe unto itself the simple thought of you creates heat. Heat from within slowly brewing its magical Libation....Steamy and wet it glides into spaces forbidden. Filling voids. Magically my libation comforts me. Until the time comes....tingling sensations abound! Leap! Jump! Tumble!......lifting a chalice! et al deforum in tact we deflect whats near. In your image I lose my fear. Red flecks of color hold crimson dear.

Fantasia

2011-05-29T23:23:00.004-05:00

I look I see I am. How is it that what I see is not seen? How is it that what I feel is not felt? Such is life in the rut sometimes. Grinding each day down as it comes. Fantasizing about the ever elusive fantasia. In the depths of my mind my fantasia may be quite different in body and constitution from others same rendition. Simple is my wonderland......A land filled with you. "You", can mean many things and people even. As for me, my "you" is...... simply you. Twisting and turning trying to get the you I see to see yourself is not an easy task. Nothing in life is ever easy now is it? Vivid thoughts of candy cane lanes and gold paved paths swirl through my mind, and I see reverence. I see Beauty, I see you. You don't quite see the same. Shame really as the you I see is just like me. Similar in many ways different in others. I have written many pieces of prose on this very subject.....The subject of self loathing and doubt, and fear. I have been there and back. You say I always see a silver lining and I may just do that very thing. The price paid to reach this land of fantasia was high indeed. Paid for by misery and greed. quite possibly not my own in it's own true sense, but never ending in it's thirst for self worth. What will become of my fantasia? Only time will tell the tale. Until then I grind each day as the last, and at the end of each day I will think of you......... my lonely past.

Transparancy

2011-05-25T17:12:00.004-05:00

Transparency in a Twilight world. One filled with endless dawns. Brisk waves cleanse and purge the souls fears and desires all in one broad pass.
Eyes piercing as the sun itself. Lost in a cool breeze floating high above the mist in a cauldron of wonderment. Each and every glimpse precious as gold and never long enough.
famished is the urge for another glance. Thirsty in a desert filled with mirages.

Longing for the tide this twilight night.

Under the star speckled heavens my imagination takes me to a place known only to myself.

Gazing up to a statuesque shadow. Not knowing whats real at all. Bliss in my own imagination.

Sliding down a slope lined with cascading waves of pristine crystal clear waters shallow yet deep as the darkest oceans.

Twilight tonight.

Under the Tahitian moon

2011-05-17T18:17:00.006-05:00

The Moon, The Stars, The planets.
Dancing in the summer sky tonight.
Breathing life into the night sky, I wonder.....
Can you see the same scene as I?
Is the moon as bright in your night sky?

Brightly colored kites flying high.
High so high in the night sky.
On a beach.....
This night, Two shadows cross, If only in my mind.

A sparkle , and a smile.
A giggle, and a sigh....
High in the night sky the moon dances ....
You in its light.

Tonight....
Dream!
Of the night sky and a bright moon...
Two shadows passing in the dark...

PLAYNE

2011-05-03T23:38:00.002-05:00

What is Playne?....Well Yes! I spelled it wrong, but please do not misjudge....Playne is never Playne.......Plain is simply in the eye of the beholder. The regular everyday Plain-isms that exist are too many and oh so common to list here. I had a friend today tell me she was plain...How funny I find it that although she looks in the mirror everyday she see's not what I see. You see she is quite frankly the most sublime creature alive. She is and yet she see's not. How can this be? Freud said we rarely take notice that which is right in front of our noses. So we take Sigmund

words and we twist them to our liking and tonight I write...I write about that which is seemingly unknown. Unknown but Lurking a talent my friend knows well. The consumate Lurker. Let's delve into the depth's of beauty. You and I tonight into the maledict and misunderstood slippery beauty that is unknown to you and so inherently apparent in my mind. So let plain in and let plain behold all the worl shall be plain....Let it rain plain...Given the choice between Barbie or Plain I choose PLAIN! Sometimes that which you refuse to see is simply what the world see's and every now and again I wish you could see what I consider Plain.....

Яεζηοя

2011-05-01T18:07:00.004-05:00

Art is a message . Art is a scent in the wind. Art is beauty, and beauty is everywhere. You see it in the crowds of people that walk the busy city streets. You see it in the cafe's. It is ever-present around u and always elusive. The hardest Beauty of all is the beauty you see every day. Tucked away neatly in a mirror. Staring at yourself is beauty to behold, or so we are told. Rarely do we see what others do in ourselves. Rarely do we notice the small and insignificant subtleties that define who we really are. I am a beauty barometer. I seek to find the beauty that you yourself cannot see. All the worlds a stage a grand stage that is set up to please the crowds. I modified an absolutely beautiful photo that was given me. It has the patina of the so's when things were lavish, rich with history and glamor. The roaring 20's they were known. Something about that era has always appealed to me.

Open Gateways into the past My mind carries me flying with the wind. Back to a time when prosperity abounded. Back to a time when honor was king and honesty was queen! Where has the past gone? Sometimes rarely you catch a glimpse of it. Gaze into the youth of today and sometimes you can see the past!

Beauty abounds this evening........Sit back, relax....sleep sweet....and Dream!

Night Kites

2011-04-24T17:39:00.005-05:00

Like a kaleidescope kites fly high......like my imagination soaring through the night sky.
colors so dense they disappear in the moment of an instant...so quick and yet it prolongs for eternity. time is a thief..It robs and it steals....but on certain nights time heals...heals the wounds that never seem to mend....

Jump forward I see a me that I rarely see.... I see a happy me

Sand Castles

2010-10-05T21:30:00.002-05:00

Bright with glistening flecks of crystalline glass. A menagerie of color.
once sullen now blistering hot to the touch.

Lost are the days that seemed to drag on forever with painful memories of time gone by.
The days are now never long enough. I fight sleep to keep the time I have.

In search of a muse was my driving force, a muse to retract the fears made whole by the dark.

A fresh beacon of hope and joy like a mighty lighthouse my muse came forth.
Now every breath I take is in full step with my hearts ever desire.

Kind, and gentle is the wind she rides on.

Amazing rooms await in a Sand Castle of my own construction.
A Majestic Sand Castle made of Dreams! Ride the wind and dream with me this day for soon I pray you and I will build a Sand Castle come what may.

Coby

Emeralds

2010-09-29T05:30:00.001-05:00

Green shining Emeralds. Regal in every way. Deep green pools of substance unknown.
Diving deeper and seeking the source of deep green emerald oceans.

Wrapped up In rapture as only I at this point can feel. If the end draws near I wish to forever swim in deep green pools, The pristine volumes that are your eyes.

Coby Olivarez

Chrysalis

2010-09-27T23:17:00.005-05:00

It's been many moons since my last post. Over the course of the last three months many evolutions of life have occurred for me. Deconstruction of years of angst hurt and turmoil was instantaneous. Over many years as you all know I have traveled a lonely highway of darkness seeking light and never finding it. I can assure you all now that I bathe in it. Bask in it even. Sleepless nights that used to signal frenzied frustration have now morphed into quiet conversations, and butterflies in my stomach. Yes I have butterflies even as I type this. It's anticipation of the most beautiful voice ever have I heard.

I know the time is near that I am bestowed the frenzy of excitement that is my souls only calling. "The one". My.... "Lisa Loeb". Those of you out there that know me know about my Lisa Loeb theory. For me Lisa Loeb represented the ever elusive "One". Always in search, and yet never coming close to finding My Lisa Loeb.

The photo above is my Lisa Loeb, the One. I will leave her name anonymous, but I am enormously Happy with who she is and what she is. Quite frankly a perfect individual in every way. Below is a piece of prose written for her by me. She of course has read it and there are many many others, and with her gracious blessing I will share them daily here. Quite different in nature from anything before them I hope you enjoy them.

My Lisa Loeb knows what the first one means obviously, but I would love your interpretations my blogger family. To My Lisa Loeb I say thank you for making every day something to look forward to. Always remember this as I say it often......DREAM!

The Little Yellow Box

The fateful day I saw a little yellow box is a day from this day forward I will never forget. Boxes can mean and carry many different things. Boxes for shoes, boxes for shirts. Boxes for things we wish to keep but never see or touch again. We store our hopes, dreams, memories, and keepsakes in boxes of all shapes and sizes. Insignificant in stature, plain in every way boxes are the building blocks of our lives. We live in boxes, we eat from boxes, we watch television through boxes. As many boxes cross our lives each and every day, the day your little yellow box crossed mine will be a day I never forget. From that day on that little yellow box has made each and every day of my life hopeful. Hopeful that one day I can travel to you in another type of box and realize a dream I have, the dream of sharing my heart, mind and soul with what I feel is the most beautiful box of them all......It's you! All wrapped up in a sublime lil box that enchants my inner being. every day I fall deeper and deeper into the wonderment that is you. You invade every minute of every hour of everyday that I spend on the biggest box of them all. Whether you ever feel the same for me or not I will always cherish the day that you came to me in a little yellow box.

Coby

2010-03-27T00:27:00.002-05:00

so I have a new post as I am certain most have stopped reading. I am forlorn tonight. I found that a friend, I can see her smile tonight I see it.....She took her life and for what? I ask myself had I been in her shoes would I do the same? The answer is no! I love life as hard a card as i have been dealt I love life! I hope you do too! thnx and bye.............................

Blubber

2009-11-01T20:42:00.005-06:00

Oh how I love this time of year! Halloween has always been the best time of the year for me and this year was no different. I have a strange ritual of sorts that I do year in year out. I read the book Blubber by Judy Blume. Yes I know what your thinking ladies Judy helped you through your comming of age with "Are you there god it's me Margaret". To me Blubber represented life as a fifth grader like no other. Every year at Halloween I read it because the book was set at that time. I have gotten it down to a science. I can read the entire book in 2 hours flat! I know I said that I was done here on blogger and in a way I am because I wanted to drift away from the past and look towards the future! The future is bright here. I have my passion which of course is painting, and my family and a silent observer that if I could marry today I would, but thats for another day.

Halloween is so damn sexy don't ya think? It has evolved into this naughty little holiday that is bigger than christmas by the way. It has become our night to be naughty. Trouble is as my favorite band in the world (MINISTRY) or should I say Al Jourgensen founder of Ministry wrote so many years ago....."for me everyday is Halloween"!

Hope all my blogger friends Halloween was tops!

Ciao for now!

Poem about a toilet

2009-10-25T03:44:00.022-05:00

Yes I love this because....
I am an insane piece of shit...
and you brought me down...

But the fact is is that I see a vision of what and I never really had:
Because of you I feel I can feel myself:
then again I see the things that bring you the presipice of where I knew I've been:

Ohh I can see myself:
Has nothing to do with the you and the me, Although the plans you had I can hardly see:

You see Everything turns outside from the inside:

I see red and then I dont know what I have found...

Ya know I cleanse myself on the OUTSIDe
Yes I cleanse myselff on the inside.

I scatter all the world to the tides they turn and they feel me like I knew that you would turn:

But then the man with the sodfull legs turned me down to see myself:

Yes I wrote this and yes I hate the world as you shallow and you fallow to hear my voice, but you just can't.........

It's easy from the outside.....................

Yes! I painted this masterful work of sodry, Hold on as we glide to the bottom of the Quarry.

New Format

2009-10-23T08:40:00.003-05:00

Hot Drippy Wet
Hot
Hot Drippy Wet
Drippy
Hot Drippy Wet
Wet

Iconic Beauty Warmth
Iconic
Iconic Beauty Warmth
Beauty
Iconic Beauty Warmth
Warmth

I am back with a different spin on the world. A bit of a blogging sabatical.
Art is Life
Art is Death
Art is Chaos
Art is hot
Art is Drippy
Art is wet

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The End.

2009-10-12T00:40:00.051-05:00

This last post is for you. We sat alone along time ago and listened to this song and even then, we knew at some point one of us would remember the other by it.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I write this last post as a farewell to you my blogging friends. Yes this will be my last post. I have spent the last 2 years of writing in a public forum as a sort of cleansing if you will. Those of you that have so graciously followed ...Thank you. You have traveled with me through this journey.....I am at peace with myself ,and to every extent with the person that put me here to begin with. Tonight I made Risotto, In full Italian style. I cooked and I felt and I drank, and I wept for that truly is what Risotto is meant to be. Emotion on a plate. The song playing is by Don Henley. It is a song I know well.

For Melinda This blog is titled foryouandonlyyouyouknowwhoyouare.... "Ya I'm learning to live without you now...but I miss you sometimes.... But the more I know the less I understand... All The things I thought I'd knew... I'm learning again.... I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter... but I think it's about forgiveness..forgiveness even if ...even if you don't love me anymore"......
Yes we change in a cycle ....of who knows what ...and in the end ....it all seems for naught....
walk this entire life so taut........... and I really thought I knew........ It was really only you ............but with all that we went through....All the penniless moments... that we cascaded through ..All the strange and vivid adventures It was only me and you..loving endless triumphs ...of just me..just me and fucking and you........
"I'm learning to live without you now...but I miss you baby.... But the more I know the less I understand... All The things I thought I'd thought I figured out.. I have to learn again.... I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... Everything changes and my friends seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness...Forgiveness...Even if..Even if you don't love me anymore."

Everything changes........... yes it changes my friends ..The heart seems to glitter....... even though you know it's gone.....I traveled a lifetime......... to be with you, and in an instant you were gone. For another I do long.............."I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness...Forgiveness...Even if..Even if you don't love me"...., Yes the old heart tugs at the new.....She knows who she is....as crazy as it seems....

Goodbye Mel, I love you now as I did then, but then again what is love anyway? A fading memory of a time gone by. I wish you luck. And Yes I think it's about forgiveness.....And Yes I do forgive you.

Even if...Even if ..You don't love me........................................................................................................................................................................

It's Impossible

2009-10-08T23:28:00.010-05:00

Tonight I write not for myself, but for two others that I wish you all knew. So in this as I sit here i will introduce you to my life. I have always had an adventurous spirit to a fault my family would tell you. Never fearful of the unknown. I was always a bit out of the norm. I always take comfort in knowing that my eccentricities were condoned by my beautiful mother. You see she herself was in every way quite the artist. Although she took the safe path I believe my mother held the artistic capacity that later in my life fueled my talent. You see my mother was an art teacher, it is what I have gathered , the thing she loved the most. Of her three children I really feel I take after her the most. My sisters may disagree, however there are traits in her that only I possess. You see this story tonight will be about a man coming to grips with the fact that life isn't always fair, and it shouldn't be really. Sometimes life has a way of setting itself straight no matter the cost. And the price is high I assure you. I was never really all that close to my parents as a young man. At 19 I left my family and went on a journey that they themselves will never know. Bit's here and there to console curiosity, but my life at that time was mine and mine alone. My sisters provided them with all they could handle. Marriage, college and the like. As for me I was referred to as Junior. The ever wayward Junior. Junior always had a story...He always had an adventure....Good or bad he was consistent with a story. I returned home and found a love, and that love separated him from his family. Time passed....Yes lots of time passed....

So we skip past decades of time to find us here in the present...I find myself here and for reasons I can't explain I am a grown man that has been blessed with the greatest gift a mortal can be given. I have been given a second chance. A chance to know and love the greatest individuals I will ever know. I sat and watched them this evening and my heart broke open. It wasn't what they were doing, rather it was what they weren't doing.As some of you may know my mother was afflicted wit Multiple Sclerosis in the late 80's. It has taken a horrible toll on her, and on my father. So I watch them carefully today as I have done for nearly 2 years now. And I wonder what life could have been. The horrors I experience through their struggles is unfathomable. I have learned not to speak of bad days as good days inevitably come.

My life is greatly altered and changed since I made the decision to move in and watch over them. My father makes a point weekly to let me know that merely having me here puts them at ease. Knowing that if needed I am here. I do quite a bit for them in the way of daily happenings. I don't think that most would ever understand. If my post's wreak of loneliness they do...A different kind of loneliness, because it is double edged, as a sword. On one side it is filled with laughter and content, and on the other hollow and empty. How can that be?

I will explain. I have had the honor of getting to know my parents like no other. I see them both in their good moments and bad. I hear all of their life's stories over and over. I hear my mother cry in pain, and I feel my fathers frustration. It is a cruel tandem. And yet I am privileged to experience the whole of it. A friend asked me recently why I couldn't find a companion. Funny thing is......I can, Yet can I really? I am too deep now with my parents. I cannot have a life outside of theirs...not now. How could I ever leave them? I can't, and won't. Therefore my personal life is at least for now totally entwined with theirs. My relationships are one night stands at best, and for now that has to be good enough for me. It is good enough for me. I sat with them this evening as I do Every evening, and we laughed. I relished in the deep hard laugh of my beautiful mother. When all is said and done I will feel that something out there gave me a second chance to know these two as never I had known.

For that I am thankful.

P.S This is their favorite song. It was written by Armando Manzanero, and remade by Perry Como. You may know it as "It's Impossible" This version was wonderfully re done by Adrea' Bocelli and Christina Aguillera. After all llife is impossible.........

Exploring the Rabbit Hole once again......

2009-10-04T20:06:00.025-05:00

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time, and time , and fucking time again... again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.

Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................

I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......

Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies beneath.....

Envy treats....

Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....

Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"I am a bitch. How do you want me? From behind or on my knees?.... I am a slut.Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!"

Oh! and if you were wondering! yes I painted this beautifully sinfull piece today.........let's play!

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.
Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................
I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......
Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies Envy treats....
Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....
Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up...

"I am a bitch. How do you want me? From behind or on my knees?.... I am a slut.Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!"

"I am a bitch.How do you want me? From behind or on my knees? I am a slut!.... Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!".

I'LL BE ART NOISE!

Funny thing about life:

2009-10-01T22:35:00.006-05:00

Funny how life is such a multitude of Dualities. I love, I hate, I am having a bad day, yet in an instant something small can turn my day into something glorious.

The last month or so has really been a hard one for me no doubt. Outwardly, I have been a rock. Inside, I have been anything but.

Throughout all this time a lil visitor always seems to level me out. He is slight of build, but has the strength of
an entire nation. He is inquisitive. He loves and adores the weather. He will receive a telescope for Christmas. He is forgiving. He is understanding. He is a star unto himself. He is the coolest creature I know, and he knows it because he knows his daddy is a pretty cool cat himself. He is my legacy. I can write about him for hours. I think I will:

This upcoming Wednesday which is our day together, I will take him to the bank to set him up with his own account. My lil man is really interested and fascinated by money. Not in an adult way either which may make it a lil bad. His fascination is quite innocent. I will take him with his grandfather, and together 3 generations of Olivarez men will open an account for our newest tycoon. He will be able to follow it's growth on the internet. He told me this evening that he wants to save 200 dollars, and immediately it changed to 5000, then 100 thousand.

My pride masks all the negativity of the last week as I realize that my son doesn't understand that his mother and I were ever together to begin with. This can be good and bad , but for now it's good.

I can see him right now in my mind. I hope he see's things that I never could. I hope he see's the cure of cancer. I hope he see's world Peace. I hope He see's... It's quite pleasing to know my gene-pool will go on beyond my great grandfather, and his son, and his son, and then me. It's perplexing to think that my son may see the year 2100. It pleases me to know that he will always know me as his father, his daddy. The man that stands up for him in any circumstance he gets into.

My sacrifices are for him, and only him. He pleases me in every way. To my dear son John Camron I leave this electronic fingerprint for all the world to know that I love you so.

See you tomorrow my angel! Know that your daddy is never far away.

I took the above photo in downtown San Antonio. I loved its fortitude, like that of my lil man!

Independance Day................

2009-09-24T18:11:00.008-05:00

Now I know what you all must be thinking? Coby listens to Country Music?????......Actually I don't, however, I am a lover of music. So this song seems quite fitting today. Oh....and yes I do like it . I always have. Martina Mcbride has such a beautiful voice. Don't ask me if I know her extensive catalogue....I don't....but I do love this 1 song.

Today was a day like any other in my life. I woke up, I showered, I ate breakfast. Not unlike any other day I suppose, but today was a little different. I had my son yesterday so today I woke up and took him to school. He as you all know lives with his mom, and they live about an hours drive from me. Funny thing is we all live in San Antonio. It's actually that big! So here he and I are on the long drive to school. He told me that his mommy was going to be going to court today. Of course I already knew because.... I too would be in court this day...This dreary miserable, drizzling cold day. I made the split decision to tell him why. I am his father after all. You see......I don't recall ever stating this here before but here goes.....

His mother and I have been seperated for 5 years now. Why we never formally divorced has been a question of great speculation all these years. Some said a love like ours could never be broken. Some said we didn't have the time or money. Some said we were just plain stupid.....Some said.....

When I got home I had but one thing on my mind. I have to look dashing! Why this was a concern to me is anyones guess. Maybe it was some sick romantic notion that I felt if I looked great it wouldn't happen. I sat in a dark courtroom, and it wasn't anything like I had envisioned. For some odd reason I thought the end of a union filled with romance would somehow be romantic. The only thing romantic about it was my long walk through downtown San Antonio in the rain after it was done.

In the end 18 and one quarter years of history together were wiped clean in a matter of minutes. The wait was 20 times as long as the act itself. I looked good, and it did not matter. I shared this experience with one friend,... and only one friend as it was happening. Other than a last minute notice to my parents, I had not told a single soul.

As I write this....It will be my sisters' first notification of this event. I kept it completely to myself. I feel good in many ways that my long ordeal is finaly legally over. I feel that it may take some time for me to digest the whole of it. I walked out of that courtroom as I came in.....

Alone.

My now ex- Mother in Law called me shorltly afterwards and told me that no matter what I would always be her Son in Law. She told me how much she loved and cared for me. I thought that was quite nice in a weird way.

I walked around downtown, and snapped alot of pictures. The one on here today was one of them. In the foreground just peaking into the shot is a beautiful lone building called the Tower life building. It stands alone amidst others. It is different as am I. So today really was a romantic day in a way. It's the day I gave my heart away.......

09.11.01

2009-09-11T20:08:00.005-05:00

I painted this canvas in the fall of 2005. One of my best friends in the world Adrian has it. It is titled "09.11.01". When I painted it I wanted to convey a fogginess...A haze. The photo is not out of focus. The painting itself is out of focus, just like we as nation were out of focus, and left with the horrible aftermath of a world tragedy. I had been to the Towers many times in my life. They were the shining symbols progress, and Metropolitan Life. To me, they represented the city itself. They truly were the fingerprints of the worlds greatest city.

All the while in Gotham-esque awe I never once thought about the human beings that worked inside them. My many visits to Windows on the World, The restaurant on the 106th and 107th floor of Tower 1 were filled with memories of utter joy. Never once had I taken the opportunity to notice the People there. How I wish I had.

I painted the Towers red to symbolize many things. Fire, Rage, Fear, Angst. Across it I scrawled the words "Lest we Forget".

I lost a very close friend to the tragedy of 9-11. His name was Wallace Allen. He was a great man in many ways. He was so proud to have been able to say that he worked in the Towers at the World Trade Center. It had in many ways become his calling card. If you asked him where he worked he would quickly tell you. Tha Towas. No I didn't misspell that, That's the way he said it as his New York accent was always present. I met him ironically in San Antonio Texas in the mid 90's. He was here on a contract job with the phone company. It was that profession that led him to his fate. He worked for Atlantic Bell, which had a contract with Northern Telecom. He was in Tower # 1 on September 11 2001 when it fell. I didn't find out about his fate for 3 months.

Today of course is the Eigth anniversary of that fateful day. Barely any coverage anymore. Hardly a whisper.......I plan to do a very controversial piece of artwork soon. With all of your help I can do it. I have researched, and nothing like it exists. I see it in my mind. It is an image. I plan to do it and it will be noticed because of it's sheer Factor of terror. It will be frightening. It will hit a nerve. Will you all help me? I am hoping you will.

Lest We Forget.......................

Rain!

2009-09-09T09:25:00.006-05:00

I love the rain, It comes along so infrequently. It washes all the dirt away.....

It rained hard and steady this morning for at least 2 hours. I woke up quite early this morning to the sound of thunder. It was blissful! The weather has been flirting with us down here for a few days now. Mother Earth finally opened her arms and let it rain!

Clean?

2009-09-05T01:09:00.004-05:00

Man my soul needs cleansing...It needs it so very badly...I have spent oceans of time contemplating mistakes and non observances.....It's time to heal, and yet I can't, for some unknown reason do it. I don't want to let go, and I know I should, If only I could....Everyone around me tells me your spectacular, your the best!, and yet I feel that no I am not the best.....I am not even second best.... Maybe third best is ok, but I don't want to be third best. I live in a fantasy-land of the past...I reflect and look back, and I can see myself smile....I haven't smiled in such a long time... I want to smile again...I love the band Filter, the music takes back to a better time, a time when I was at peace, and I love peace...I need peace....I beg for peace in this fucked up life that doesn't stop or hope to stop for me.....I want peace.....

She can give me peace...she could..... If only she knew....I sit I type I reflect and I feel sadness, always...Little ray's of sunlight come along, and then, inevitably the darkness comes....I feel like a fool that will never learn the error of his ways......Never learn or will I? No I will never learn...It is my destiny to stay stupified in my own melancholy world of shit....It's where I feel the most safe....Safety in gloom is far better than reality is it not? No, it isn't, and yet I tread the waters of life without a course.....Souless at best... If only for a moment, if only she could see, feel and touch as I do... If only...... I pour my heart and soul out here, and all I really hope for is that one chance...That miniscule chance that she would find me.....I know she won't...And If she did, she wouldn't see my words as I do.......Only I can see the real me...and in that she is me............

Song of the Irish

2009-08-28T21:19:00.003-05:00

I sit before my keyboard, and I have emotions for you, for me, for all of us...An era has come to pass....A Man's life stands before us this evening, and we, or I should clarify I, feel his life was worth mine. Senator Edward M. Kennedy...I was named after his brother Jack...I was called Jackie when I was young enough not to remember, although the fabric of the Kennedy's was ingrained in me from a very young age. They were fighters they fought for us when we didn't know what fighting was. I can honestly sit before you tonight and glince at the trials that this family have fought for you and I as though we were their own. The last of a brotherhood of empathy have exited our world, and I pray that their fight will continue....Sail softly mariner for the whole world will resound your accomplishments this evening......Sail into the salts sweat as only a mariner can understand. The sea holds a man's fare as no other can behold! Sail into the unknown as any sailor would with courage!..........Looking into dark clouds and always know that a nation that saw, and understood that you, my friend protected us as men....Without reservation of class, or upbringing...Teddy you fought the hard fight. I admire and wish to follow in your hearty mariners spirit........God Bless you my brother! Rest in peace Teddy....Sail away!

The Begining of the end......

2009-08-23T04:07:00.003-05:00

In control.....yes I am in control...or am I? Yes I am... I am in a mood I want to move, and go I shall... I am on the move.... The picture here was shot by me and,I am in complete control of what I do not know, and that's a good thing...I want to branch out..........I need a change of scenery...I need to move to where I have no Idea, but a go is a must........Circa 2005 I sit in a beautifully furnished and ravishingly accommodated Town Home here in good ole Sa Texas., No one here loves hardwood floors like me, why is that?

So yes my place was the place to be .....Ya right...But yes it was...Art decked the walls with balls of holly and Santa was scared......Strewn with all the world had to offer and life was good or so I thought.......In and out they came and they fed.....They bled upon the alter of decadence.....And we danced we played hard like we were....I painted like a furious hound back then...I painted for the masses.....They watched , They stared, they glared....I was king, I was god...I was the ultimate plaything for those with money and influence here... here we are and where are they? Oh no they are long gone and I am a hellion with a purpose now. I hate what we were and what they think they still are................A bullshit community of feeders...........And here I am....Angry and ready to feed the world my menu of shit!......For too many years I have held back and now is the time to rise....Be the Artist I AM! I AM! Not for words ,but these hands that have never failed me....You have never failed me.....Don't fail me now.....They look like yours,but they are angry and mad at the world and they have a way of digging in.......Don't fail me now.......Fuck Bernie Madoff....Stinking thief! Hands don't fail me now......I will paint and sell I will if it kills me I will sell......Many have succeeded before me and I will Succeed now.....Bow down before me world as My voice means something.....I am destined to be something to behold.............................................................in the end I want, I feel, and I dream.....and alas It was all a dream! Or was it?

Reptile

2009-08-21T02:26:00.003-05:00

So softly I tap the keys on my imaginary keyboard....Off to a fantasy world filled with Applause at the triumphs of a king...... My court is filled and the bell has rung.....It's final chord so softly my bell tolls for a crowd unaware of the fanfare and tribute it has for it's guest of honor.....You...The final swan song ...Thus is life........What I want is what I need and inspiration is the key...And yes you have inspired me to be who I am at any cost, And the price is high. I aboard my magical fantasy piano do stroke, as my fingers never knew...Never knew they could....Yes the soft depressing song they hummmmmmm...Yes they do.... In total sync....tonight it's Insync in it's brutal form. The life I love is the life forlorn. I crave the bread that doesn't give me nourishment. Why? I ask I plead....and still I have no reprieve...The cuts they grind as if my very mind.... It goes mad even sad.....But Still the thought the whispering in my mind tells me that yes You make it all go away............You make it all go away.................

I just want something I can never have.

Gypsy!

2009-08-09T22:12:00.011-05:00

I can recall when I first heard this fantastic group, It had to be circa 1988. I was living in Virginia Beach, Virginia. My best friend David Shaw and I were in the US Navy. He was dating an Iranian woman that lived in Washington DC. Falls Church Virginia to be exact. We had just purchased a 1964 Buick Skylark for 400 dollars. We thought that this old piece of American muscle was just hip enough for two young metro's. At that time there wasn't even a term Metro, but we were the epitome of it. We loved fashion, and clothing, and hip house music. We bought and read "Interview" magazine , created by Andy Wahol, just to see if our long sideburns were still "IN". We dreamed of New York City as though it were the center of the cosmos, lost in a never-ending sea of hipness. So off to DC, we went one fine weekend. Two carefree friends going to visit Dave's girlfriend. For privacy reasons I will only refer to her by her first name, which is Shadi. She had arranged a blind date for me, her best friend Nadia. Nadia was breathtakingly beautiful and very, very Tall! I am not tall .....5 foot five pushing 5 foot 6 at best.

We hit it off immediately. We went to a club that night in DC called the 5th Column. It was a really great club full of the world for sure. What I mean by that, is what I always loved about DC. It was full of people from everywhere else but the US. I love the US, but I love the world more!

I remember I heard the song "Bomboleo" by a group called the Gypsy Kings, and to the amazement of all that we were with........ I didn't know nor had I ever heard of them. They were all amazed, and almost appalled that with my Spanish heritage that I knew not . I didn't speak Spanish, and to this day do not. But!.....that doesn't mean I don't love this type of music because I do. I have a secret love affair with it. So melodic and utterly beautiful. The first song on my blog tonight is titled "Un Amor" or "A Love". Quite fitting as I adore love as you all know.

It's funny that it took a community of Iranian Immigrants to show me the unbelievable beauty of my own heritage. I was young, and fresh, and full of zeal. I still am strangely, that same young man today I was then. Only in an older package. My Spanish roots undoubtedly bore my passion. Passion I have, and passion I will die with. This music takes me back to a time that was cavalier in every way, dreamy roads to nowhere.Traveling in an old car that was spray painted on the inside, arm hanging out an open window, wind in my hair! Free! Roaming, and In Love! Not with a woman, but with the world itself. Wild eyed, no cynicism, pure and free

Time ticks by and a lifetime passes and where did it take me? That answer is yet to be told to me. Still, I love this world beyond all... but family. So beautiful is this music that in a small way.....It forged the inner being that I am.

Although the Gypsy Kings are French Nationals their roots are from Spain. I had the pleasure of walking on Spanish soil, and what a glorious country it is. I am thankful to have been able to see a-lot of the world as a young man. I hope to see her again as she has never let me down.

P.S If anyone can translate "Un Amor" for me It would be an un-payable favor!

Sweet Dreams bloggers!

In the Shadows

2009-08-06T18:36:00.003-05:00

It's always interesting logging on to blogger and milling through miles and miles of topics. I have my favorite blogs of course, and I hope that my quirky view on life doesn't offend or scare anyone away! I mention this only because I seem to get quite a few hits daily and sometimes wonder who those people in shadows might be? Are they drive by readers? Are they Felons? Are they people at all! It's really pretty fun to wonder about "The Shadow People". I sometimes do drive by's on other blogs as well.

I took this photo about a month or so ago. I am finding that I am into photography more than painting right now. "The Shadow People" are not unlike my photo. They are there as is the photo.....But you can't really see them can you? Now i know you all are probably wondering why that is important anyway? Well really it isn't. But if you happen to be a "Shadow Person" stop and say hello!

Dating in the Dark

2009-07-20T22:24:00.004-05:00

So I just finished watching the new ABC series "Dating in the Dark". I am hooked! I love this concept and I hate it at the same time. I wish I had the forethought to produce it as I feel as a member of the dating world that I could buy into this experiment. Or not...Many times over have I anticipated an arranged meeting and felt like rejection was around the corner. To my fascination more times than not it went well, or sooooo I thought... Am I a hulk? no....Am I a hunk? noooo...Well maybe a lil but to the slurry that is cast before me maybe not! i am interesting and fun and jovial, and well I am the patchwork of Americana that Americana has made me. Am I a catch? Yes I am a catch, because I appreciate and nurture the inner thoughts of all that is feminine. Or so I thought. This lil program changed my views. Are all women looking for Brad Fucking Pitt? Are they secretly meeting and longing for Armand Fucking Assante? I don't know you tell me? I can jog 1 mile and paint a pretty picture of life's meaning and yet I haven't the first clue as to what drives the female Psyche. Or do I? A mixed up puzzle you all are and we adore or try to and what do we get? A slammed door in a dark room without respite for as the program indicates looks drive the wagon. Or do they? I am not bad looking by any means and yet I feel this might be the case. Or is it? I am pissed because this experiment has gone array, and Well Fuck it lets have an experiment of own shall we? Let me know blogger's can we dance? Can we experiment? I will be waiting for your answers!,,,,,,,,,,And Comments!

Such a fallacy of notions

2009-07-10T01:49:00.007-05:00

Poetic are tongues that never for whatever reasons speak: Yes I feel poetic justice around me tonight. Long lived is the fallacy of truth in all of us....Yet we scamper and grasp at the unknown....Poetry lives in each and every one us, and sometimes it consumes each and every one of us....Still I search and dig in the world that once I owned. But not today.... Illusions of gradier abound and yet still we all play this glorious game called life...

Shall we see the end? to this bold and vibrant world that steals, and pulls at every direction the threads of being? I wish for once I could remedy my blistered soul to see that I am truly a being of faith. Faith comes with consequences and it binds and tears at all that I wish were real. Like the dust we all are truly insignificant pieces of a grand puzzle that we will never solve....

So tonight lets glince at the world and flirt with her for she is is something out of pure fallacy....cold and treacherous...Walk softly, and yet our steps are heavy...within ourselves our steps are heavy.....

Dreams are just that, they are our longing, longing to do and say and to do and to say for .....today.....Allow the truth to seep within chasm's of strangers turning into dust.............

Mazzy Star

2009-07-08T22:20:00.004-05:00

I recall the very first time I heard her voice. Angelic really. Unlike any other I heard before or since. Tonight I was just relaxing and threw on some of my favorite mellow music, and lo and behold this treasure just jumped out! I loved Mazzy Star.....Hope Sandoval, the singer with the angelic voice is 1 year older than I am. I remember when I first heard this song I didn't really know what to make of it.....Was it Country......Was it blues......was it alternative.......It has a dark soothing appeal to it. It just makes you sway.

I could listen to "fade into you" over and over, and have at times........A great glass of wine and Mazzy Star, now that's a beautiful evening! Anyone wanna join me?

Groups like this do not exist any longer, the world will not sit still long enough to produce such slow brewed concoctions of beauty. We are all too consumed in our digital worlds. each diode marking a chapter of our electronic self.

There is a glorious new Moon out tonight. It is burnt orange in color and completely full. All of you out there can see the exact same moon as I, The real question is did you even notice that it was there? That's the question we need to ask ourselves........Beauty abounds around us and yet do we see? I know I do.....I tend to notice the small things, or in this case a very large thing that most people fail to notice..... I sat outside tonight and stared at that beautiful moon, Mazzy Star running through my head....... Life is good, life is precious....Life is beauty, and I am pleased......

And so comes the rain!

2009-07-06T18:58:00.004-05:00

Ahhh! The smell of it, I can see it...It's rain... Rain here in South Texas is as rare as the Hope Diamond and yet I can smell it....It's coming! Time to meditate in a dreamland of fun and frolic! 4th of July has come and gone and as my sister put it so eloquently....We made memories! We went to the Schertz 4th Jubilee with my niece, her sister in law, Pat and my son and I. My little man had such a wonderful day! His Dad had a great day too! Food rides and music....Not my type of music but music none the less, We had fun! Fun in life is what you make it, and life is tough at best right now. It was an oasis day outside the daily grind.

And so the rain comes to wash away all the muck.....I want to embark on a life transition into a new dawn of artistic expression. I am going to become a stylist...In every sense of the word. I am going to go to school to become a cosmetologist.....A free-er form of expression than real estate. Real Estate has been good to me, but it is so constricting......I need freedom! Freedom I shall have! Now I know what most think but not to worry I am deeply heterosexual. In this new endeavour I get the three things In life that I love the most. Artistic Creativity......Music.....Women.....

I plan to open a brutally hip and treacherous Salon. I have the name and envision the Image itself in my brain. I will not be stopped. I plan to use my strong points to be the best there is. I will attain it.......So the rain comes and washes away the old......On to a new dawn!

P.S I took the photo here of a friend of mine kelly. We have a photoshoot later this week. I liked the outcome. This was 1 of a series of 40 Shots I took of her

Happy Father's Day..........................

2009-06-19T21:59:00.002-05:00

As this wonderful holiday approaches, I , well I feel the somberness of recollection. I have my gorgeous son with me right at this moment! He is such a beautiful soul! I look at him and, I see infinity! He is all that is good in this world. So innocent and, at peace with all around him. He is really into Abraham Lincoln right now. I have spent the last hour discussing this great man with him. I think of my own father and the man he is. A man beyond the word itself. So strong, so steadfast.

Then there's me... The square peg. I wonder if my son will ever see me as I see my own father. I would like to dream and hope that he would. Will my son ever know me like I know myself? I hope not. I hope he See's daddy as I see my father. His father lost his soul many years ago. I don't pretend to love him. I gave up all for him. I am a shell, a hollow soul, but not where he is concerned. Bitter thoughts of lost tomorrows abound this evening, and at this very minute he stands before me and I smile. I smile at him to comfort him. He knows that his daddy is different. He must. I hope he See's my love through the smoky eyes of bitterness that surrounds my being. One part of his life is filled with laughter, and for me it's the same, only the laughter is pointed at me, the everlasting fallacy of comedy. A true comedian I must be, so as my life has seemed to be a melodrama of comedy. Yes the joke's on me I guess, I perceive the truth to be that, yes the jokes on me. In the end I am alone, truly alone. Everyone has someone, and yet I do not. The women that skirt in and out of my life are mere nibbles, hirshey's kisses if you will. Always a new one never one that really matters per se'. A playboy am I? No not really because in the end I am the one left lonely, disturbed and lonely. I can rarely form a bond, a true bond with many. And so my young man approaches and offers me love, and I give it! He is the only soul that truly and infinitely loves me. For me that is enough! I see his mother in his eyes and it makes my knees weak. I have never let her go, ever.

The one person that I have never let go. I wish she knew. I wish she knew the torture, I wish she knew the pain. I wish she knew...... I have never quite been the man since, that I was with her. behind every successful man there is a woman........ I really have never been the same. Success eludes me......I see my lil man's smile and I wonder if he remembers when I was there. All of us together......I have asked him this question before and he always reply's that he remembers and I wish that he did, although the realist in me knows he doesn't. As family's gather this weekend I know there will be laughter and joy, and I too will smile. Deep down there is a half of me that will cry. Half of me will wish I could turn back the hands of time and have nothing but love like I remember love to be. Not success, not creativity, only love. So my broken heart takes another sorry step towards the realization that there really isn't anything more. For my lil man I will show a smile as I love him so.

Back on the Attack!

2009-05-30T01:15:00.004-05:00

So my mighty blogger friends! I have been absent for a bit......Back to the scrappy indignant angst that makes my lil world go round and round! First off: What the fuck happened to our economy? Where has it gone? I for one still buy beer and wine and porno mags so where is everyone else? Ha ha! I was just kiddin about buying wine and beer! lol. I was reading the latest gossip today about John and kate plus eight.......Who really gives a shit? Has our society come to this evil end? I can now be reached by the entire universe via blackberry.......I want to stay safe and warm in my own solitude! however should you wish I can be reached via the internet, and text, and cell, and myspace, and facebook, and roaming aimlessly on the public transit system just to get a feel for the downtrodden.

I was buying a pack of smokes yesterday and a guy asked me for a dollar. I thought about it and, I have to say I really wanted my dollar. I needed my dollar. I looked at him and I felt obligated to part with my George Washington......Then he got all pissy with me about how he was in a pickle with the IRS and his home was up for auction. I thought WTF? Here I am wanting to be nice and he throws some stupid line on me. Well What did I do? Yupz You guessed it I gave him the damn dollar. Just so happens That I picked up a website contract wednesday morning, so I said WTF.....I saw him ask another guy for a buck, and he did'nt get that one.....I wonder if I should panhandle, and tell people I need plastic surgery. It might be worth filming and all.

I will accept paypal donations for this endevour and donate all the proceeds to Spanky's.....What is Spanky's you ask? Well We call it Spanks.....Its a cool lil dive bar that I hang out at. Heavy Karaoke and tatoo's.......My kinda joint! I want to paint again soon, but i am feeling uninspired. I wish Godzilla would just like fight the Mothra already! I have been helping my dad take care of my mom for a full week now as we lost her caregiver.....I am getting a lil stir Crazy, but my mom is loads of fun.....She is quite the joker. I havent smoke so many cigarrettes though. It's her only vice so who am I not to join her as she smokes? My sis is comming tommorrow to help out so I will get to get out for a second or two, or three.

I have an all access pass to a group named Riot next Wednesday. My friend Donnie Van Stavern plays bass in Riot. Yes Riot was a huge heavy rock band in the 80's but they also did metal in the 90's and they are on a reunion tour. Worldwide tour. Just so happens that i drink tequilla with Donnie Weekly. So I get to be a somebody for a night. We plan to have some damn messed up fun......Groupies beware!

I have been addicted to facebook lately. I can now join groups like: We like pizza......I play great Applications like:....What kind of jewelry would I be if I was in Sri Lanka? Yes I have fun continually! I have re-connected with a whole lotta people that didn't give a fuck about me back in tha day! So hey It's all good in tha hood! I have forged some great friendships as well!

As for the recent controversy surrounding American Idol? I feel that the true artist won that one......Adam was a bit dramatical for my taste. I personally like the Ruben Studdards of the world. LOL.....Oh and Clay Aiken rocked man.....He rocked! I am amazed that America wakes up everyday and tunes in and technically drops out.....We are like sheep.......Bahhing our way through life without the least bit of concern.......Oh but wait I have a message on FaceBook! Oh and I got a tweet from Ashton.......Damn I get it!

I am currently being followed by 863 Christian groups on Twitter. They all want me to be saved. I didnt know I was lost? Maybe I am.......Damn Spanks was good last week....Oh shit maybe I do need to be saved?

I am currently listening to Public Enemy like right now.....So I am feeling Millitant.....I am wearing my Millitant clothes Right now........

I am spending quite a bit of time with my son lately.....He is growing up sooooo fast! We are having a great time as he grows......His mother is pleased.....I took him to the barber on Wednesday.......He was a straight up lil man! I was very proud of him....Why you ask? he finally got to get his hair cut the way he wanted! I had no imput into it. I let him do as he saw fit. I still paid for it.........It came out great......

I don't think I have ever posted a post like this before.....But what the hell its my life and I can write if want to???? lol....

Cryptic messages do abound!

2009-05-14T22:39:00.007-05:00

The old wound to all of us... it has a different meaning and patina. It could be so simple as a comrade that turns on us....It could mean a persons glance in the hopes to catch an eye...It could mean so many different things..... We all travel a path unknown to us, if only we could proceed time by a mere few seconds what wisdom we would have?....If only we had that intimate information to alter our course? What a concept? The paths we walk are all different and yet by our own human hands, or feet for that matter, we make them the same. Writing is an expressive art form. One I was urged by my beautiful sister Patti to explore. Allot of times she shows amazement as to the being that creates these posts. Tonight I write for you, and for me... I simply write. I had a conversation this evening with a person I consider a confidant. I asked her a simple question and put her in a corner of sorts. I asked her to write her thoughts on me in 100 words or less. Here it is:

" My friend, Cobes.... is a special, and unique person. If he crosses your path, call yourself blessed. and do not ever expect him to give you what you see. he has his own mind, and his own perception of this world. when in the company of Mr. Olivarez you will never be bored and he will surprise you with his intense insight to life and love..... the most brilliant dialectic you will ever know. He is a poet in his own right, with a deep, and spiritual heart. Freedom of expression and free to live life. So full of life and optimism even with the trials and tribulations... now that is beautiful !! "

As I read these words, I became choked up because I never really know how others see, or view me... I always have a picture of people not being able to see past the doom and gloom and really....really see what is there. Happiness and thankfulness. That is what I am.. Thankful that I am alive...Thankful that I have a strong family...Thankfull...just plain ole thankful. Thank you my friend for seeing in me all that I want all of you to see...... Oh and by the way! Thank you Patti, my beautiful middle sister, because you and I share a bond that can never be broken.... We share Love! For yoU this evening my dear sister I Play this song, as i know its's among your favorites. Always remember "Home Sweet Home" !

I laugh, I learn!

2009-05-04T21:54:00.002-05:00

Spurting out words of Cataclysm's is easy for me so I give you the words of "The Spurned"

Deft: Deftly we try to escape the ties that bind us to treachery

Skill: Skillfully we maneuver around life's obstacles like keystone cops

Want: We all want what we cannot have.

Needs: Do we really need all we have?

Lust: We lust for that which we do not dare.

Craft: Craftily we all seek that which eludes us

Gain: Can we ever gain or dare to attain life's lofty goals set before us? ( I say yes!)

Money: Is there ever enough? or the lack there of?

Ambition: Tutelage on this subject has taught me that we can never have enough of it!

Correlation: we never see eye to eye.

Diction: Can you speak on my level?

Sarcasm: Refer to the quote above! lol

Honesty: Can one ever be honest with themselves?

Truism: Jeopardy is fun.

Angst: Do I or do I not hate the world?

Personality: To have, or have not.

Inquisitive: My credit card is maxed therefore I cannot look you up on intellius.com!

Comical: I see myself everyday therefore do I need a definition?

Hope: There is open interpretation to this one isn't there?

Longing: We all yearn for the untouchable in the end.

For Heather:

2009-04-27T23:25:00.004-05:00

Show me , Show me, Show me how you do that trick , the one that makes me scream she said, The one that makes me laugh she said, threw her arms around my neck. Show me how you do it, and I promise you, I promise that...I'll run away with you...I'll run away with you.......

Time didn't prove those words to me.. no, time like the bastard he is proved that words unspoken are words undone. I put together a playlist of music tonight that consists of 1 song...1 beautiful song... All the artist's that did it after the first did it well...but the first....Well, the first is the first.

I drove to the club...a smokey dark place filled with miscreants...my type!...Tattoos weren't chic then, although I had a few by then. Walking into a seemingly benign state of fixated dullness i walked. paid my toll as I did often I happened upon what I would later know to be my "paradise".

I met "her"there that evening. I simply met her. I recall her presence as though I had stepped into heaven itself. Her image haunts me. Confused? no as any of you know that regularly read my blog.....my main theme is love or love lost. My ex was not my first love as you all know...But "she"...."she" was.... Love like I never knew before, and yet there she stood, or better yet there she danced...Alone..Without a partner... In a beautiful black bolero hat, and a white shirt bejeweled with all the 80's had to offer. boots glistening and moving to a beat of an unheard god i watched! ...and I watched! I know you probably think I just dream these things up, but I caution you! I don't! They happened as sure as I am writing.....They happened. Love struck me immediately! Pierced right through my hardened exterior.

I can't really say I was attractive either...I had thick spiked hair...ratty clothing...I was everything that punk said I should be.....Hard....yet I wasn't....not to "her" To "her" I would become King! I was her savior, I was hers and hers alone. For years we were together, and I can't or don't remember a time that we fought. Not until the end. As is usual int the world the end always comes. I left our city to find a new beginning. When I returned someone else had already harvested my jewel. We had talked of being together forever, we were the same we were. She and I....In every way. Strawberry blond hair and eyes of green, Irish at that! I have a penchant for the Irish, don't know why? maybe she started it all..

So as life moved on I have to admit that "she" stayed with me... That forbidden fruit, if you will. MY family would tell you she and I were destined to be one in the same....But for some life is a cruel game. I found my first love a few back...I found her online...I was ecstatic! My father encouraged me to search....I found her at last! I found her alright...A bit too late... You see my 1st love had a different fate......

She died on a Texas highway on a Sunday Morning... In the clear of day she was killed in an automobile accident. I remember her face, her smile, her voice. She died on September 19th 2007. I found her on October the 3rd 2007.....14 days too late.

Time is a demon that robs us of our fate....it's never too late....or is it?

Heather's favorite color was pink!

Leap!

2009-04-13T23:50:00.007-05:00

Life in it's escence is risk, and at what cost does life brings us to the brink? Going back in time we can all relate to youthful passions....The thrill of the first ball caught, or the wistful feeling of our first kiss. That glorious feeling of anatomical hormones rushing though our youthful bodies epitomizes the greatest joys in life. At what point do we loose that luster, that passion? does it ever go away?

Life is to be lived and at best to be conquered, but for most, what we find is that we linger in limbo....That ever steady state of complacency. Once in a blue moon....Some, not most, but some, linger beyond the point of return. Walking to the edge is a courageous and yet unfulfilled and lonely walk. A walk without respite. The edge can feel so, ...oh ....so comforting at times. Strange how the universe settles it's debts. To you, I am crazy, but in my own fantastic world of duplicity..... I am king! My will! Do what I will! .... But what of free will? A wise man once said that free will in man was his gift, but from whom I I ask? Am I alone? Alone here tonight within my thoughts . My mind is fed by lions with eyes of gold. My story told! Two fold! So ever so gently I am intertwined in a world created by own sick mind. A mind that needs to believe that my life has worth but not love?

To exit in a swans song is the easiest way to go. To shun, be brave, live....to go....Beyond the heights so high they are, I must Climb!...... Poetic justice is my friend tonight, as I lay here and fight...Fight with myself! ....In myself, and only about myself ! I shudder, but for another that see's me the same as I did then, but here I go again...Sin...to the world, I sin...Look in, into my darkest of souls, to my god, I sin! ...and in the end? I sin..........

Blogger's, not to worry I am fine, quite happy actually! I wrote this for a beautiful friend of mine..........Coby

For Debbie

2009-04-11T00:51:00.004-05:00

Enjoy my friend!

Such is life...Stugatz!.. Embrace in that which makes no utter sense at all. Live life as though it's your only one....After all it is.........................

Vino! Ciao Bella!

2009-04-05T22:05:00.011-05:00

The doors to the Cathedral have opened, and tonight my only thoughts are those of the past... The past, how we rewrite in every way, that which we think we recall, or even scarcely believe to be the truth. Twisting and turning, my roller coaster ride continues. Life in it's essence calls upon us to reach, grasp, and to shudder at it's feet the greatest of life's gifts....Our memory! Come with me on a magical journey back in time... I see myself a young man, a bare soul on the canvas of the world. Life wasn't always a box of chocolates. At times I can recall life being....Unbearable. An ugly duckling amongst stallions.. Walk and walk I will, try to get my fill of a life that at points, tried to sideline me.

This song takes me back to a happier time, along with a friend named Eva, I will walk the wooded trail of memories. Memories that as you soon will find can turn on a dime. Nothing is ever what you think. Eva may, or may not be a fictional heroine. A heroine of my soul, my very being. Cast away amongst memories I would rather not recall. Yet tonight I am forced to regurgitate memories of years gone by. From a time that I was an oaf, a hideous little oaf. Bespectacled and weak a vision of ineptitude. My waltz with Eva this evening has proven, better yet taught me that....we all have our demons. Mine were forged from rage...Rage against the machine if you will.

My demons travel with me at every turn I see it, and feel it. It never leaves me. Might I say hello? No, hello is too kind a word. I invite it in and so the story begins.

Small, frail, weak... The boy realizes he can't, or for lack of understanding... He won't rise above. The oppressor has him within it's grasp! Burn bright the phoenix that will rise. Brighter than anyone ever expected. A voice! I have Eva to thank, for although she may never know she broke the cocoon of a sleeping butterfly! many questions were answered this night, Known or unknown.. Countless bits of salacious information that guided a frog to his princedom. For you to understand, you must Know that Eva is my inner mind speaking, and sometimes shouting! Am I Sybil? No I assure I am not.

Eva by my side I will guide you through my soul. Trust is a gem. One not easily given. Yet Eva has mine. In my pent up world of make believe I cast a ring of platinum beset with stones of color! I realized tonight with my inner friend that we are all toiled in our selves. How can this be?

Allow me to describe Eva. Beautiful as she is. Confident...A dream in the minds of many I assure you. I recall visions of this creature that to describe I might need Shakespeare's tongue! I don't possess that talent so I will abide to my own words...Beauty in every way. A memory, Piercing eyes, The mane of a lion! Am I affixed? You see Eva was unattainable. A Schoolboys fantasy. A dream. So my life goes on......and on it goes down winding paths of insurrection. So deep in Mother earth have I traveled that I forget that I am an Oaf. Impish at best. Yet I grow.Stories shared this evening lead me to believe that I may not have been an imp after all. I counter myself with myself. You See Eva might just be me. To my friend Eva................. only you will truly know if you are real or not. To my friend I thank you. I may be thanking Myself....Only you know for certain..........

2009-04-01T20:51:00.002-05:00

Ah, the rush of spring is upon us all. I recall a memory as deep as it is seated it glares at me. A young man walks, and I used to love to walk. Down streets of glory, like a rocket I flew through the streets of New York. I was a sponge, soaking up every second of time that made itself available. I loved the street book vendors. Not because they had something to read, rather they tried so very hard to get me to buy anything they had. Let me tell you, They listened intently on any given signal and BAMM! there it was they were with me. Affinity on the corner!

Of course life back then was oh so simple. I recall a very close friend of mine His name was David. He was my best friend. We would go down to canal street to try and find anything by Willie Smith....AKA willywear....Man were we crazy. We went down to the Bowery one night and found ourselves in a club that we waited maybe three hours to get into, and Lo and behold who did we see? It was Cindy Crawford in VIP, literally it really was. I remember staring at her for all of 10 minutes straight. She of course was cordoned off by velvet ropes, but a young man can hope? whew! NYC and me a great combination! I recently asked my son if he would go there with me, he said "No daddy I want to go to Nicaragua"!

Life is like a box of Chocolates

2009-03-31T23:28:00.003-05:00

Welcome bloggers, tonight I am caught in a quagmire of thoughts. I am doing 4 very simple paintings for my sister Patti. They are to decorate her new guest bedroom. Simple enough, and yet another project tugs at me. My next project is in the works as we speak. It will likely be my defining moment as an artist. It is for a well known figure whom I will leave nameless. However, I will say this, the subject matter of this project is fascinating. I hope that all my toils on canvas has channeled me to this one moment in time. When the time comes I will unveil what I feel will be my life's work to date.

I am quite excited as I have made a new friend on FaceBook, that got me to enroll in an artists group here in San Antonio. I am going to my first get together on Friday. I can't wait to meet other artists, and talk about projects, and styles, and well just live in that moment. It's been quite some time since I have mingled with such individuals, so for me it's like going to Mecca.

Back to my sisters new guest bedroom. My budget is tight so I am not going to able to use the best materials, however, I am enthusiastic they will turn out great! Any of you out there that know my sister know that she doesn't always "get it" when it comes to my pieces. So I will cross my fingers.

Writing Time Again

2009-03-24T22:18:00.006-05:00

In the midst of the turbulence that besets our great nation I come to you all this evening with this one thought of encouragement. I can't get any worse than it is. With that said on to more pressing issues. Coffee always brings a ray of hope to the beginnings of many mornings for me. I typically have a few cups with my father as we discuss current events and such. My relationship with my father wasn't always so amicable. My early years as a teen must have driven him literally insane. I wasn't always the most manageable teenager.

I grew up with a pretty solid core of friends through elementary school and Middle school. I had friends that were into sports and such. I have never been athletically inclined so I sought my way into my middle school band. I played Coronet. At one point I was 2ND chair sitting right next to Paul Jewitt, our answer to Maynard Ferguson. One of my best friends at that time Greg Quintana sat 3rd chair. We switched places allot through 7th and 8th grade. It was the middle of the year of my 8th grade when my grades fell slightly.

I remember the displeasure my father had with my grades. It was time to pay the piper. I watched as he loaded my coronet up along with me into his car. I remember the trip to the music store that was only a few blocks away being the longest trip of my young life. I stood there in the music store with my dad , and watched powerless to stop what was about to occur. A few short minutes later and my life would change. No longer was I a part of group. No longer did I have UIL competitions to practice for. No longer was I 2nd chair coronet in the Ed White Middle School Band. A few short months earlier I was winning a silver medal along with Greg, and another fella I can't remember, for our rendition of Greensleeves in a UIL ensemble competition.

I remember that I became a small, insignificant, and somewhat unattractive 13 year old, that now had no outlet to combat my social ineptitude's. I recall how neat it was going to be to transition to High School, and follow in my sister Patti's footsteps, and join the Roosevelt Rough Rider Band. After all I was 2nd chair Coronet. My heroes were Chuck Mangione, and Miles Davis. Maynard Ferguson is what I played on my record Player.Now what was I going to do? I remember the first week of High School was difficult because all my band friends were now in band, and I wasn't. I was swallowed up by kids much larger, and in most ways more in tune with the High School experience. I fell into a rough crowd of kids that were more willing to accept my outsider status. I had always been into art, but now art was all I had. So i worked hard at learning everything I could about Art History.

I had a great teacher named Eleanor Freshauer, who coddled my infant talent. All the while I found a new identity in Heavy Metal. I grew my hair long, and sported the uniform of a malcontent. I hung out at the corner video arcade and regularly began to smoke cigarettes, and drink beer. I was a youth gone wild. My sister patti was in the rock stage as well, so it seemed cool and acceptable to me. I gave my Parents hell. I was hanging around Troy Kunkle, who at the time epitomised "Bad Ass". No more did I have my trusty coronet by my side. It was replaced with a switchblade knife. With liquid courage I rose through the ranks of rockers, I had an identity now. Under the shadow of Troy we were untouchable. Troy was executed about 4 years ago. He sat on Texas Death Row for 20 years. He committed a murder in Corpus Christi Texas in the summer of 1984. By that time I had split with the Heavy Metal Crowd for something more exciting.

Punk Rock was vibrant and new. There were no Punks at Roosevelt. Well then there were 2. Myself and Dean Davenport. in the summer of 1983 we discovered punk rock. It fueled our angst, and put us on a new level of different. I began going to punk shows as early as 83 at Tacoland (A historic punk rock venue in San Antonio) , mixed in with a crowd that was diverse. Most, or almost all of my friends from that point came from other High Schools. I remember being sent home from school because I wore a trash bag as a shirt. We won't even talk about the time my sisters saw me out at the mall with a freshly cut Mohawk.

I wonder how different my life might have been if my father had only let me keep my little coronet. I may have gone to college with my friends. I may have ended up playing jazz, instead of fronting a punk band. Do I hold my father responsible for the changes that occurred in my life? No, of course not he was a great dad, I however, was a horrible son. For that I am sorry. Looking back at the trails I have travelled far, and wide, I take solace in knowing that I have never wasted a minute of life precious, as it is!

2009-03-22T21:16:00.001-05:00

Blissfully wandering through a timeless vacuum of senseless nuero-activity I sit. I go back and forth in my ever changing mind-process. A creative rush overtakes my being. Alas, I cascade down the rabbit hole only to falter to wince as I look back. Ever so slowly the world around me seems to cave. To my surprise I see a glince, a shadow of hope along a deep rooted path of compromise. So further down the hole I spiral, gasping as I pass the multitudes. The true beings that always seem to fail me, maybe it's myself that fails me. Maybe it's the never-ending saga, a novel without an end. Further and further I find it hard too hard to stop. The journey I am taking is a automobile without brakes. It swerves left to right without respite. Tumbling down my empty thoughts tonight....

Plasma for Paint

2009-03-18T11:52:00.009-05:00

Hello Fellow bloggers', yes it has been a little while since my last post. To update you all on my whereabouts and happenings. With the horrific tolls of the economy come mighty oasis' of splendor? I have been in the housing market since the year 2000. Business has always been good.

I am truly bohemian at heart. My creativity always comes out in everything I do. So last week the inevitable strikes. 6 layoffs at a Company that is small to begin with. 6 of 10 salesmen, all with families to feed, gone now unemployed. I was one of them. I have since spoken with my former colleagues. Not to my surprise they are in panic mode. The market is officially dead here. It may not pick up for another year. I, however am not fearful. I own my vehicle, I have no Mortgage or rent. All I worry about is my son. My ex has received so much money in child support that she knows the situation and is not giving me a problem. I am in an oasis right now.

Never in all my years of working have I subscribed to unemployment benefits, even though I have paid tons into that system. Well I am partaking now and will be receiving a large check courtesy of my company, and the unemployment Department in about 3 weeks. A hefty sum I might add, as my qualifying income was high. I qualified for the highest weekly payout there is. But I am broke right now!!!! I wanted to paint, and eat, and such. What did I do? I went and Donated Plasma! Yes, I was paid to donate plasma. I made enough to buy food and paint! Yes I said PAINT! I will continue twice weekly to donate, and I will be able to create! Oh By the way, I am posting progress photos of a piece I am working on right now. It is for sale should anyone be interested. Oh BTW my music selections on here now reflect a really nice painting feel to them.

And so goes the transformation of an idea to canvas. So it is an ever changing process! It is not done yet! Lots more to do. There are approximately 15 layers on this one so far, each layer changing the next to come! C,mon blogger's help me out with this one!

Is it possible to find old aquaintances?

2009-01-25T10:50:00.003-06:00

Alot has been happening here in San Antonio Texas. The Housing market is booming. I am soo damn busy at work it makes my head spin. The company I sell for sales are up 34%! My painting is going well. I want to schedule a show in next three months.

So I am sitting in my computer room one night, and I notice my yahoo mail box has over 1000 emails in it. Ever had that happen? Everything from viagra to marriage proposals from the Ukrain. I am wildly popular in the Ukrain! Normally I would just begin deleting everything in bulk without paying attention to whats there. Ever do that? For some odd reason this night I decided to painstakingly go through each one 25 at a time before deleting. Let me preface this by saying that I signed up on FACEBOOK at a friend here in San Antonio's request. I am an avid Myspacer, so Facebook is just plain ole boring to me. I NEVER go on or use it ever. I had been searching for a friend in New York whom I have written about here on my blog. I called her "Cesca". Her name is Francesca Dibiasi. I had searched far and wide for many years.

So here I am deleting and scanning like mad one night, when out of the blue in the middle of at least 1000 emails pops up this: "Francesa Dibiasi has accepted you as a friend on Facebook". What???? Who???? When??? What the??? The thing about facebook as anyone who uses it knows is you cannot view a members profile without first becoming their friend first. I had searched her once about a year ago on facebook and found 2 entries. Neither had a profile pic. Only that these 2 Francesca's lived in Manhattan. So I friend requested both. So i forgot about it as is usual with me. All of a sudden I was clicking away accepting her as a friend as well and furiously logging in to a dormant account that I had not visited in a year. I clicked her now accessible profile knowing that it wouldn't be my special friend, the person that taught me most of what I know about the modern world.

When her picture popped up I knew instantly it was her. 20 years later and there she was. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was her. the picture above was taken atop her brownstone about a year ago. She hasn't changed. We have video conference'd since, so I can vouch that it is a current picture. I was and am still amazed. Life is strange to say the least. Tell me about your re-connections?

Hello all I am Back!

2009-01-25T10:35:00.003-06:00

Hiya bloggers! It's been quite a while since my last post. I am doing well, and starting up painting again. This is a virginal piece I am currently working on. Hope to hear from all my blogging friends soon!

Another stab at graphic art!

2008-11-13T20:37:00.006-06:00

Ok so I took another stab at the graphic art thing. I have to admit I like what I am doing. It's not unusual as I usually like, but it is satisfying to create these images from photos that I set up take and edit. Creativety comes in all forms. I want to transform these images to canvas and free form paint on them.

A very exciting day!

2008-11-12T20:42:00.004-06:00

Today was an interesting day to say the least. I was contacted by a gentleman who is on the board of the San Antonio Fiesta Commitee. Apparantly he has seen some of my work, and is interested in having me submit an original piece for consideration in the 2009 San antonio for the Arts foundation's Annual Poster. I worked on this all day. In typical fashion I did it quickly. Not too quickly though. It's the first time I have done something like This. I have a friend named Candy Flores, who graciously and, at last minute allowed me to photograph her. This is what I came up with. It is an original photograph digitaly manipilated into what I think is a striking image. I really got into this and plan to do more of it!

A new hope!

2008-11-05T00:52:00.004-06:00

My friends, I must say with heartfelt joy that we as a people of this great land have spoken, all at once we shouted from the top of our voices WE CAN! I sat tonight a humble participant of a process I doubted...and yet a silent figure took my heart by storm.. A figure not of a newly elected beacon of hope. You see I sat tonight with a visage of human strength. A rock beyond comprehension. I sat with my mother, barely able to move, and yet she sat there with strength beyond my own bodies comprehension. I watched her shed tears for a new generation, not her own. I felt in my own heart a sense of new found duty. A duty to serve and make a change. Make a change worth living for. I put my son to sleep tonight with a resurrected glince of hope. He so joyfully at eight years of age pronounced that WE had won. It is truly he that won tonight. My hope is that he will not have to bear the misgivings of a nation that tonight has passed him by. He may never know the division that has been so abhorrently evident in the last 18 months. My son, my champion, my shining ray of hope may see a world better than that of the past. I am truly humbled. Those of you out there that know me know this to be true. I love my country, I love my life, I love my son, and above all I love my mom! Thank you President Obama because I love you too!

Victory is within our Grasp! Thank you AMERICA!

2008-11-04T20:10:00.002-06:00

Long and hard is the road to victory and oh my lord it is within our grasp!

The dawn of a new day and hopefully a new era.....

2008-11-04T02:27:00.002-06:00

Good morning America......For the sake of our children, do the right thing....For one another, do the right thing....For our brave troops abroad, please do the right thing....The world is watching....Don't let her down....

Countdown on a reign of terror 7 days to go

2008-10-28T03:31:00.008-05:00

This is how I feel about the man. Your comments are appreciated. This is a very serious election please vote responsibly.

9 day's to go! a few Mcaniac musings whist I am away!

2008-10-26T01:46:00.000-05:00

LOL! enough said? How's your weekend going?

Same shit Different Asshole! 10 day's and Counting America!!

2008-10-25T01:38:00.004-05:00

So bloggers I am finally getting a little break from reality tommorrow and will be fishing in the Gulf of Mexico until Sunday evening! I am going with my brother in law, So If I am not back on Monday it means I treading water out there somewhere. I am taking my camera so i will have lots of pictures! Have a great weekend!

11Day's and Counting Major Threat No More!

2008-10-23T08:46:00.008-05:00

This is classic stuff Check it out!

My Contempt for George W Bush in 05-06, when I painted this piece, was as strong as it is today. Well Thank goodness his reign is but 12 days from being over! I really hope that America has learned it's lesson. I hope that we all open our eyes on November 5th, and awaken to a brighter future for our children. I hope that Hope wins out in the end. The song that will remain on my blog until the election is decided. It is by Nine Inch Nails (Trent Reznor) off of their Year Zero album. It is an anti Bush song to the core. It will remain here till he is gone! It is titled The begining of the end. Strange but it's also the only song I listen to whilst painting. Life is strange no doubt!

The Countdown will begin! 13 DAYS!!! to FREEDOM

2008-10-21T04:42:00.004-05:00

I am pleased that the election is winding down. I have been a direct participant in this years election process and win or lose it was a great experience. To see the nation rally for change is a good thing. Hope every ones week goes well!

Oh Where Oh Where has my lil blog Gone?

2008-10-17T10:35:00.006-05:00

Wow! It's been quite some time since my last post. Thanks all for not bombarding me with hate mail, all 2 of you! lol! So.....It's been a very grueling 2-3 weeks here in San Antonio. For me, work has been very brisk. Long days.......sleep.....long days......sleep. In between I eat! The Housing market here is bustling. Contrary to the rest of the country we are selling homes like wild here.

I am proud to inform you all that Riot Kitty received her painting! She sent me a picture of it hanging in her living room, and I must say I am proud! A gentleman named Keith Terry was kind enough to purchase "Wintermint" at a charity auction for the Samm Ministry here in San Antonio. I donated it and am pleased it went to a lover of abstract impressionism. The Samm Ministries here, provide shelter for abused women. Mr. Terry happens to be that organizations Director.

The weather here is beginning to finally turn a bit more like fall. I love this time of year more than any other. I think it's time to photograph some stuff.

Barrack Obama is doing well right now. I hope he continues on his present course. My sister Patti has been under the weather this week. If she reads this as I am sure she will.....GET WELL SOON SIS!......!!!!! <3!

Craving a bagel!

2008-10-03T11:37:00.002-05:00

Hmm. Random thoughts of hoagies and bagels, yes that is today's blog theme. Total unadulterated randomness. I am feeling the nice breeze of fall coming. Here in the South it comes much later than normal, so I may be just wishing it here!

Have you ever wondered where all the flour in the air around a New York City bakery goes? Ok if you have never been to the city, Trucks pump flour into holds located beneath NYC bakeries. As they do this early in the mornings there is always a hazy cloud of white flour clouds. Where does the flour go?

Ok something else, I donated a piece for a charity auction this weekend. It was "wintermint". I am pleased to have been able to do this. P.S Riot Kitty's painting is in Oregon today! Woo Hoo!

My mom won at bingo a day ago! Ya! She's doing so much better. I am so happy to see her progress!

I am about to paint again soon! Woo Hoo! ya!

I am generally happy right now!

Winter is coming! Ya! i LOVE THE WINTER!

Miami I s around the corner! Ya!

2008-09-24T23:35:00.003-05:00

A curious little piece I put together. Give me your take!

Mi vida Loca

2008-09-23T22:26:00.004-05:00

Hello out there! I have been distant, I have been absent, I am strange, passionate and above all mysteriously weird! I am also funny. Not many of you know the quirky side of me, or the business side of me either. Most of you only know the dark side of me, but there is a very bright and sunny side of me as well.

My life the last six months has been incredibly hard. My parents needed my help and still do, so I agreed at great personal loss to assist them both. My father has told me that my presence with them has greatly improved their life and that makes me very happy. My choice to move back home and help them has dramatically changed my life. My professional life has gone through a very rough period as well. I sell New Homes and It has been a very rough period for my industry. I have persevered in all of the above. I weathered the business storm, and am doing well as of late. Financially the rewards will cascade in, in about 3 months. That is a relief! I work hard to self promote my art as well, It is a crazy dream that I want to realize.

What is a typical day for me like? Well I get up at about 7:30 am get ready for work drink coffee, talk to a special friend, and open my office. I work until 7pm, head home, and relieve my dad in caring for my mom until 10 pm. I usually go online for an hour read my emails.....Hey why does every viagra vendor on the planet want to sell me their product??? Oh not to mention the slurry of Russian women that want to make their groom? I am pretty popular in the Ukraine from the amount of spam proposals I get! Lol! I go to bed and start it all over. I don't have much time for anything else. I have a lil bar i go to from time to time named Spanky's. I relax sing Karaoke and hang out with friends. I don't paint much now as I have no space to do so. That is a big thing with me. I really want to rent a space. I will do that sometime soon I hope. I am not complaining but yesterday I relaxed and played poker all night.I was with my friends and we drank way too much. Boy today was rough as my hangover was intense. Whew I made it! Never underestimate the power of friendship!

A very special friend talked me home and made sure I was ok, and actually talked to me for nearly 2 hours as I was in a state of groggy fuzzy haze. I won't be doing that again anytime soon I assure you all. I am happy to be feeling normal again. I know this is random but .....Well I am pretty random! I had a local realtor ask me to donate a painting for a silent auction benefiting the family of Mike Coolbaugh. A local minor league coach that was tragically killed last year in a freak accident on the field in Oklahoma. I went to High School with his brother Scott, who was a Major league player for many years. I accepted without hesitation. I am not looking for any networking in this one. I feel honored to be able to help in a small way. I love red wine, and green eyes. I am genuine, and foolish at times. Who isn't? I have a blogger friend that inspires me to be more than I think I can be. Without knowing it she pushes me closer to my goals every day. Its nice to have such a strong voice of reason in my life. Sometimes critical, sometimes not. Always there, and always interesting. Thanks Ileana! Was that random?

The full moon

2008-09-17T06:37:00.003-05:00

Was that a beautiful full moon the other night or what? I hope everyone in blogger land is doing well. I am working quite hard lately to sell homes as the market has picked up recently. Long hours and alot of effort! I hope that all is well out there. I have some great material for you all to contemplate coming soon!

The DeEvolution of America

2008-09-10T00:59:00.003-05:00

I finally figured out how to get my lil movie onto youtube! It only took a week or so. I hope you enjoy. It is not a cheery type of short film nor is it gloomy. However it does make a statement of our troubled times. Sorry it took so long. I know a few of you were awaiting its arrival. Such is the life of a would be artist....

S.O.S. America

2008-09-05T01:32:00.007-05:00

This is an extremely rough first try at videography and editing. I will get better. It is titled "S.O.S. America". It was difficult for me to film and post my scar (cancer) but I did.

Post Script: In answer to my blogger buddy Shionge: I had a great time doing this. I have always wanted to do interesting little clips like this, I was watching the republican national convention just prior to putting it together, so.......maybe that was it. Most of my creativity comes out morose or angry or muted. However that doesn't mean I am any of those at the time of creation. Just reflective maybe. :-) Fun Times ahead!

Words

2008-09-03T18:06:00.003-05:00

This is a poem I found quite intriguing. No meaning behind or in it really, just a really nice poem. The video was of me of course just listening..Tell me about how words affect you in your day to day life? Words we all speak them, some of us listen others just speak. Words can be beautiful, angry, heartfelt, and shallow. Words can describe life or not...... What do these words mean to you?

All Aboard!

2008-08-30T11:47:00.002-05:00

In the purest sense I am spontaneous at best. So begins a journey that I am taking in late November. I have secured passage on an adventure! I love adventure, and travel. Where am I off to?? A few places actually. I will be leaving San Antonio Texas en route to Chicago Illinois. I have a life long friend there named Jarrod Spadino. He and I were in the US Navy Together. He lives in Highland Park Illinois.I left him a message last night to let him know that I would love to have lunch with him in downtown Chicago. (Union Station is in the heart of Chicago). It will take 37 hours by train which by the way is really the ONLY way to travel. From There i will be off to Our Nations Capital! I have a friend there as well. Her Name is Shadi Bahar-Azir. I have known her for 20 years. She was my best friend, David Shaw's' Girlfriend. we have always stayed in contact. I let her and her husband know of my trip last night, and we will also be having lunch at the American Cafe in Georgetown. (DC) So far so good! My final destination will be Miami Florida. I have been there once before. I have a wonderful friend there that I will also be having lunch with. You can say that this is a lunch mini vacation if you will. New friends and old. I will be taking photographs and am certain I will get some great shots. the whole trip will last almost 9 days for a few precious moments with friends. I feel it is well worth the time! Also there is nothing like traveling with a set agenda that isn't so set ya know? I am free to do what I please. I can get out in Oklahoma City, Cleveland Ohio, Kansas City Missouri, Charleston South Carolina, Savannah Georgia, or Orlando Florida. I will be stopping in all these cities with enough time to eat and wander a bit. A photographers dream! I am extremely excited. You all will be right there with me. I did this in Europe with friends once. Actually Jarrod from Chicago was with me and 4 others we did the euro rail from Naples Italy to Cannes France. this time it will be just me. Me and a friend. It will be the best 8 hours of my life! keep you all posted.

Woo Hoo!

2008-08-27T13:39:00.002-05:00

Ok so I bought this sweet little video camera today,and have already made some long vids. Here is a test! I am editing the long ones so they will be up later tonight! Peace!

Let it rain!

2008-08-18T22:52:00.004-05:00

There definitely is something to be said about the rain. To preface this post, some of our fellow bloggers' out there are about to be hit with a lot of rain, so to them I say keep dry, safe, and warm. That said It finally rained here in San Antonio. I love the smell of fresh rain. I had a really beautiful experience today that I would like to share with you. It hasn't rained here significantly in quite some time. I was cleaning the pool today when out of the corner of my eye I caught glimpse of something swimming in the pool. It was a perfectly happy and content frog! Let me tell ya as frogs go this one was really cute. I watched him swim for about 10 minutes, and then decided that he might need to get out. I scooped him out and to my amazement he didn't hop off. He just kinda stayed there. I was looking at him and I swear he was looking back at me as if to say thank you. I shared a really tranquil moment with that frog, and it got me thinking of how lucky I was. Lucky to have a fantastic son. Lucky to have the greatest parents in the world. Lucky to have my two sisters. lucky to have friends that care about me. I decided that my new friend and I needed another swim. So what do you think I did? I got in the pool and swam with a frog! It was a first for me. We swam for about 30 minutes. I have to tell you it was really amazing swimming with that frog. Afterwards I put him in the yard and watched him do what all frogs do. He hopped off into the bushes and I felt good knowing that for at least a brief moment man and frog understood one another. I wonder if he remembers me this evening like I remember him?

"Fury"

2008-08-18T02:37:00.004-05:00

Ok
Ok I have recieved many emails asking what it is. A few have made guesses. Good ones at that I have included a very rough outline of what is actually there. Its me! It's what I concieved as my own image.

Man! This is what a professional photographer can do. Now this is what my stuff really looks like! Now this I am proud Of! well I am proud of em all, but Wow I have goose bumps!

Reality or Fantasy?

2008-08-16T08:41:00.002-05:00

Jackson Pollock was a prolific artist. One of my inspiring artists. The above painting is tittled "Autumn Rhythm" It is my favorite Pollock. I had the opportunity to view it in the summer of 1989 in New York city at MOMA. I often wonder what it must have felt like to create such a masterpiece. Studying Pollocks history is interesting beyond words. Jackson was a talented Painter outside of his drip paintings which of course, were not embraced early on in the 40's and 50's. Somewhere, sometime Jackson found either through trial or error, that he was on to something that captured his discontent for the Art world around him. I have watched many, and I mean many films of Jackson actually creating these immense pieces. Wish I could have assisted him. Its like a symphony of destruction. Abstract Impressionism took the world by storm after World War II and New York City replaced Paris as its' Art Mecca.

Pollock had a penchant for booze, cigarettes, and women. It's funny how such a complex being was ruled and guided by such simple vices. Aren't we all? He also loved Jazz, which he listened to incessantly whilst slinging paint. I have often dreamed of procuring a space that I could Live and Paint in. A studio to end all studio's. Warhol's' "Factory" comes immediately to mind. I am going to spend the next 2 years extracting from the Real Estate market everything that I can. I will have my dream. I will stop at nothing to get it. I can see it. I can feel it! So with that said I need my blogger's help. I need to figure a way to get a major viewing in a LARGE metropolitan city. New York, LA or Chicago. I have a friend in Tampa Florida that is involved in the arts there, but I am squeamish to ask for assistance. Does anyone out there know of a curator or collector that might be interested in taking a chance on an unknown? There are many ways to finance this. I was thinking of spamming a million people with the promise of 30,000,000 pounds in an Iraqi bank vault, but then I thought , No that never works. All it will take I think is the right individual seeing the right piece at the right time. My Father has always been a businessman. He never really supported nor knew much about my painting. It was not until recently that he even saw one of my paintings. That's the way it has been for me and my passion. It has always been concealed. Always hidden. He once told me at the height of my Real Estate career that I couldn't serve two gods. His view has changed dramatically. Something opened his eyes recently. I received a check in the mail, and he was amazed. He said I can't believe someone sent you money by mail for a painting! I have been paid for work in the past and this event wasn't unheard of to me, but for him it was an Epiphany. The only thing that stops me from going full force is of course money. Does anyone out there know of grants that might be available?

You see I want to drop out and do this permanently. My 2 year plan might turn into 5 or 10 years, but it will happen none the less. I have been studying art out there for quite sometime. All of it amazing. I have come to the conclusion that mine is no better or worse than some of the best out there, which brings me back to Jackson. Pollock found something unusual, and he ran with it. I may have the same opportunity. If I act. San Antonio is inundated with spectacular talent art wise that is. My work is a bit different. I have the booze, I have the cigarettes, I may even from time to time have the women. What I need is a friendly eye to make it happen!

A lil More of # 1

2008-08-15T22:43:00.004-05:00

I don't want to give too much away at this point as this piece is sold and I want it to be a surprise. But it's coming along nicely. Sorry I haven't posted more but will soon. I am experimenting with sleeping pills tonight so do not be alarmed! I haven't been sleeping well as I have had allot on my mind lately. Not to worry though its been great stuff I assure you. Beautiful stuff actually. My mind is happy, but tired. so I took an ambien and I feel really relaxed. So goodnight! kaaan jkfgvvv n;kj/4ewpkjg******* See!!!! it works! Goodnight all. I am sure I will dream well tonight.

More of # 1

2008-08-11T22:20:00.005-05:00

So here is a sneak peek into #1 on the left is a lil newsprint that I married together. I rather liked the atonement. On the right is a lil more of the raw canvas. Keep in mind that this is stage 1 of many. This one will change and morphe as I go on. I am taking time on these now as my work environment and schedule have changed. I am used to churning and burning. I am going to coddle these a bit. Stay tuned!.....................................

So the time has come

2008-08-10T12:39:00.003-05:00

Yes the time has finally arrived. I am going to try to chronicle the birth of a painting here. I may succeed or I might fail. In any event I ask you to join me in this beautiful Odyssey. The accompanying picture is just a quick snap of the start of #1. There will be about 30 layers when all is said and done. I always put in newsprint and other oddities in my work. They are buried deep beneath layers of color. Usually only I know they are there. I keep a journal of each piece to remind me of whats underneath. The recipients of my work undoubtedly never realize whats underneath. Little hidden treasures of immortality I suppose.

The feeling I get as I touch the canvas is almost unbelievable. Its like electricity. it's life itself. My ipod hits my ears and a whole new world opens itself before me. That first taste of an ice cold beer gets my blood pumping. I hear the rhythmic beats of the drums screaming through my artificial courage, which is music. Let the dance begin. Stay tuned.............

My Lil Buddy

2008-08-07T23:01:00.003-05:00

It seems funny and strange how life comes at you. Sometimes slow, and other times full steam ahead. Right now it's full steam ahead. I have a special new friend whose name is Jocelyn. Before I even knew there was a nickname for her name I called her "Jossy". It fit. She and I have a really unique connection. First off she is an artist like myself. She is a photographer. I had the privilege to view a small portion of her portfolio, and let me tell you it really blew me away. She has the type of personality that I would describe as "open".

That is what she and I have. We can do or say anything in each others presence. The time that I get around her is really incredible. We went out to an arts gathering last week. There were hundreds of people there that night, and yet she was the only one there in my eyes. We had a magical night. The atmosphere was fantastic, and the company was angelic. I took this photo of her last night, and I gave her this painting. I haven't shown it here before, but it is my best, and it's my favorite. She is deserving of it. She and I connect on many different levels. My brain goes into a different mode when I speak with her. It's extremely hard to find people like her. Actually I haven't found one yet. Except for now. We started out talking and I think that is the key. We talk about everything and sometimes for hours. So as I write this I am actually on the phone with her. When does that happen. I laugh because she knows I am writing this, and she said " your typing fast now. Well I am going to end this by thanking my friend for being who she is. She has changed my outlook on things in so many different ways.

Young Love

2008-08-06T14:37:00.009-05:00

It's been a short time since I have last posted. I have been consumed by a few things in my life. Good things! I am preparing to paint again, so that is always exciting. I have met someone that at first looked like it was going south, however it came around full circle and is going quite well. So all in all life is ok....just ok. Why is that? I started thinking about this question, and it occurred to me that I over compare all of my relationships to my last big one. I don't think this is abnormal either. All of us had a "first love", but my ex wasn't by any means my "first love". I had loved many times before meeting her. I had just returned to San Antonio from the East Coast. I enrolled into college. I was 24 years old.

First day of classes arrives. I remember being excited as I had been living in a really cool apartment very close to campus. It had beautiful wall to wall cherry oak floors. It looked like a mini gallery. I have always had a knack for decorating. Being a painter has never hurt my surroundings. So here I am Mr. Hip off to class.

Towards the end of my day, I sauntered into my first day of Sociology 101. I remember my professors last name was Mota. In Spanish that means marijuana, I always found that funny. About 10 minutes into class in walked the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She had loosely curling dark brown hair well past her shoulders. She was dressed to kill in a tight grey body suit with a black "A" line skirt. I even remember what shoes she was wearing, they were pewter sandals with red blue and green jewels on them. I remember thinking wow! Her most striking feature were her eyes and eyebrows. They were perfectly manicured dark rectangles. Very striking. Definitely out of my league. So as the year went on I always noticed her on campus. Always with the same nerdy fella. My friends and I refereed to her as the "sweater queen".

One day I was caught trapped in an elevator with her. Just she and I for 3 floors. All of 45 seconds. I stared down at my feet the whole time. I never said a word. She politely acknowledged me and reminded me that we had sociology together. She also asked if she could borrow some notes as she noticed that I took lots of them. We agreed to meet at the laughlin library to exchange notes. Later she would remind me that it was my petrified in her presence, shy demeanor that attracted her to me. She passed sociology that semester. With a little help from her shy friend she received a "C". I never purchased the required text and received a "B". I know now she was my first True love. The first song you hear here today is the song we chose as our "First Dance" at our wedding reception. I remember it well.

She of course is the mother of my son. I spoke with her today, and as we talked she asked how I was doing in the love department. I told her it was weird because most of my relationships fail because I compare the relationship we had to my new ones. None of them ever size up. She said she has done the same with her relationship. She called it "Young love". She proposed that neither of us might ever have that same feeling again. I tend to agree. We laughed, we fought, we screamed, but we always loved. She and I were inseparable for almost 15 years. I couldn't have asked for more. Oh........ and sometimes on occasion, I go to San Antonio College to ride that elevator, and although she is not there, a ghostly shadow always stands there with me. I ride, and I remember.

Tell me your stories of young love!

Legacy

2008-07-28T01:11:00.015-05:00

The scene is set. In 2 days the anniversary of the most precious entity to ever enter my crazy life comes to pass. My son, whose name is John Camron was born. As a father I sometimes feel I failed him. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe I was self consumed. I worked harder than ever I knew. I worked to keep what was mine, and I had a plenty. I had it all, I had a huge home, 3 luxury cars, a beautiful wife, a beautiful son. So I worked.... and I worked....... and I earned. If I was in the mafia they would have vouched "ya that Coby's a good earner".

Something was missing and as I have stated before here I lost it. To another who undoubtedly appreciates it far less than ever I would. So here I am left with memories that tug and pull. On the upcoming 8th anniversary of my son's birth I sit and reflect as I do often. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. I sat with my wife in front of a compassionate oncologist, you see I don't think i have stated this here before, but I had cancer, and a very bad one at that. I was 31 years old. I was only married 2 years. We sat there and were told I had six months to live, and they didn't say live they said to "get my affairs in order" Literally they told me this. You see I had a very rare form of cancer called Leiomyosarcoma. Life expectancy of less than a year from discovery.

Words like "no cure", "Palliative therapy", "Comfort", "Investigational reasearch" MD Anderson, Memorial Sloane Kettering. Those words are and were real for me. The whole time this occurred is a bit of a blur in my life that seems like it was not real at all. I don't ever speak of it really, not even to those that love me. It is something that is personal, but I died many years ago at least in theory. Because when a doctor writes you off you really feel it is over. My father the rock of the family, had driven me in tears. from a fateful talk with Rohit Kapoor a well known oncologist/hemotologist.I had never seen my father cry. That doctor actually cried in front of my father and I, and assured us he would fight this death sentance, with all of his education and his knowledge. I am thinking I am dead. My wife was alone and shattered, and yet she never ran, she stayed. So no later indiscretion could ever outweigh that in my mind. She was only 25 years old, a soon to be widow. yet she stayed I reacall a memory I never speak of. One, of my sisters, Patti and Kathy, my beautiful sisters. You see we were the three inseperable souls, always together in tandem, always the three in succesion. We three sat in my Mother and Fathers front yard. IRemember the sun was out, it was bright. I felt numb, and yet I caught their eyes. I remember feeling each blade of grass touch me. They told me how much they loved me. they told me how much they would miss my laugh, my candor and my spirit, how I would always be with them. My sister Kathy is a Clinical Research Nurse. I asked her to make me a promise. It is a debt that I could never repay her for. I asked her to not allow me to suffer. I asked her to allow me to pass with dignity. you see I had researched my fate. I didn't want to waste away. She promised me she would take care of me. So my story continues..... I managed to bear 4 chemicals of chemo, I know them well. Adriomycin, Doxirubicin, Ifosfimide, and mesna. Curious how I remember that cocktail. Actually It was called the "Red Devil" I was isolated during infusion that was only increasing my life expectancy by 5 % , you see My life expectancy to 1 year was 15%. My cancer ratio was 1 in 44,000,000 yes that's 1 in 44 million to contract leiomyosarcoma. so if I survived past 1 year my odds were 1 in 6,600 cases. In any given year in the U.S. there are only 120 cases discovered. Impossible odds. My oncologist was an expert in sarcoma's and she had treated 7 sarcomatoid patients in 24 years. I was dead.

Well, long story short I suffered a full year of chemo of the worst kind. I beat unthinkable odds, astronomical odds, unfathomable odds. When I agreed for an extra 5% chance to live my trade off was sterility. 6 months after the go ahead to conceive we conceived. My son was a miracle. He was not supposed to be possible and yet he is here. I asked my ex wife later if he was mine, not out of spite, simply faced with facts and numbers, percentages that were unimaginable. She of course was outraged as I assumed she would be, but she swore her indiscretion was a first.

I don't ever need to ask that question again in my life. So here I am, alone with my thoughts and all I see is him. My angel, my life, my anchor. Divorce is ugly and it tears down, so what can i give him? I have given him all that I am. A different perspective, you see my Autistic son is more creative than ever I could wish to be. The Image above, if you have made it this far was done by my son when he was 4 years old. When I asked it's name he said only "Cocho". I could leave him nothing better in his life than the kaleidoscope eyes of his Father. I do love him so........more than anything in the world. Happy birthday son........Love daddy

Ok this is me.....Huh?

2008-07-26T00:08:00.004-05:00

OK. So my sister calls me today and asks me if I am depressed. I answer, huh? Her reply? "It seems like you might be, considering what you post on your blog". My answer? Huh? The photo to the left was taken by me. I thought it was fun and interesting. The very long hairlike strands that are very thin and to the rear of me are actually an artificial plant. Everyone that See's it asks if I really had a mullet. My answer? Huh?

I can assure all of you out there in blog-land that I am not depressed. Huh? Sometimes I get a lil down, but I don't we all? My typical day is consumed by business, and as of the recent months helping care for my mom. It doesn't leave much time for anything else. Obviously through my post's it has affected my personal relationships with others. I can live with that. I am carrying a lot of emotional baggage right now, and it's a bit much for some. Some are ok with my baggage, which happens to be a signature series by the Warhol Foundation. Huh? I have a really weird, and funny side to me. Most people never get to experience that side. My sister does. As you can tell I have changed the music here to reflect that quirky side. I am drinking a nice glass of wine, and tapping my shoes. I consider myself an Artist, whether I am or not is irrelevant. I am curious, different, confident, passionate, quirky, and funny. I am not depressed. Huh?

You see, before I started this blog I wrote quite a bit. I love writing poetry. My blog page took over the physical writing. Sometimes I forget that this is public. It however will not stop me from being genuine here. I love my sis and I hope she is over reacting. I love my adult beverages as they enhance my creative being. I am not an alcoholic. Huh? All the women that do not embrace or appreciate my warhol baggage for some odd reason continue to be great friends with me. Telling me things like "I just adore ya too much to get involved". Huh? Then I say what the....? Huh? I do have a nutty side, a side that likes to dance to techno, and eat pretzels with jelly. I have scrolled down and re-read some of my previous posts. Shit! I am depressed! Huh? lol. Welcome to the spaced out world of a completly bizarre yet subtley mild individual!

Hope

2008-07-25T01:25:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I think I think too much. I sit, I think, I move, I think. A friend reminded me today that maybe I just think too much. Think about things way too much. Why over complicate things? There is so much out there to do, So much to see, and experience. Sometimes things just jump out at you. So what if you don't get everything you seek. Be yourself, be happy. Being genuine is golden. Something caught my attention today. as weird as I am it could have been a drop of water on a leaf. All I can say is it caught my attention. I am not the type to take the first step. I am going to change that. Out with the old in with the new.

I took this photo, and at the time I felt it was a good reflection of a happier time. I really guess photography is art isn't it?

Meltdown

2008-07-24T01:59:00.001-05:00

So I sit, So hastily I tilt the glass to the winners in life.
Begrudging them, Those of you that trounce, with glee.

Those of you that refuse , refuse to see. Inside the cracks inside deep.
Dare you not to take that majestic journey into your own soul. To stare it in the face.

The ultimate mirror to either accept or deny. There I sit watching, dreaming, wanting.
The reflections of life's conquests that will never be.

Tattered and beaten my angry soul cries. Truth not known tugs it pulls, only to die.

So the lonely note persists. The only one I know. The ugly stench of failure. The safety of the unknown.

White-wash and cover, is the defense I find, and seek. The old taste of life's failures make my life seem bleak.

Oh so grey and monotone my life has become. I walk and observe, and I see love in the world with envious eyes that pierce the lucky with spiteful anger. You see I never have known true peace, true harmony, only jealous respite.

For myself and those like me, we know only one way. The hollowness that begs to be filled. So we fill it up and we drink it down with words like hope.

But you see hope is dead to me in all its forms. My mind creates pallets of color that I can only imagine. Pain is my friend and steady as she goes the pain never seems to let me down. The world however is a much different place. A place that is scary, and foreboding. My pain is real at least for now. It sticks and stabs at the soft tissue down below.

So softly I hear a piano's moan. It moans for me and only me.
One day I will be free, free from this prison that my own brilliant mind has created. For my own brilliance imprisons me.

If only.........If only.

As the time draws near..........

2008-07-21T22:51:00.007-05:00

The music you are currently listening to is beginning to seep inside. I am about to begin another series of projects for an upcoming opening planned for the First Friday in September. San Antonio Texas has a monthly event in The Arts district Called 1st Friday. Patrons of the arts of all types gather and view crafts, listen to musicians, and at the core of it all are the Exhibits in roughly 16 galleries grouped very close to one another. My new series will be highlighted in one of these galleries named Loft 120.

So the preparation of my soul begins. Included in roughly 20 paintings that are as of yet undone will be 2 works that will never see the gallery walls. I will ship them to their prospective owners upon completion. I intend to chronicle through photos and video the insane process I go through to create . It will be painful at times to view or gaze upon. I am getting into a terribly risky mindset, but it is a mindset that I must enter to truly do that which I do. I want unabashed honesty and pure emotion to flow through my hands. Music, and to be specific Nine Inch Nails has always been the conduit to my inner sanctum. Only 1 other person has ever known what lies beneath the surface. I hope now there will be another.

I recently met a professional photographer whose work is absolutely amazing. She is a true Artist in every sense of the word. She captivates me with every word that exits her mouth. Utterly interesting in every facet. She is beautiful, she is published nationally, yet it's her inner beauty that I find affinity with. She and I are completely similar. I have asked her to assist me in my current project, and she accepted. Our collaboration may rise birth to something incredible. Something that breakthroughs are made of. I am happy to share this with all of you. Stay tuned..................................

Prototype

2008-07-19T00:04:00.005-05:00

So I am in the process of creating a few pieces for a few friends. Here is a prototype of a canvas I am doing for a wonderful acquaintance. I hope I do her justice. In it's final stage it should be quite large I expect. Creating this mock up brought quite a bit of joy to me. I believe it captures a certain spirit of happiness. So far I am quite pleased. I am sure it will morph a bit before I cement it into its completeness. I will stay along this general path. I usually do not do anything so painstaking. As most of you have witnessed here I work very fast. This piece has me being quite careful and meticulous. I am enjoying it in its entirety. The subject matter is quite beautiful. I am working from a rather small digital image, so its very interesting to interpret it in my own way. I hope it meets the approval of the subject.

A Month of Purging

2008-07-17T00:03:00.004-05:00

This piece is entitled "Honesty" It is a furious piece. It just might the best I have ever done. Definitely a rage piece. I remember the night I created it like it was yesterday. I had an opening to prepare for, and I had the arduous task of completing 25 pieces in 30 days. I accomplished the goal. What came out of that month was like soul vomit. I spoke to a friend today and she made the comment " Talk about pressure!" It may seem strange but in that month my studio looked like a homicide scene straight out of the movies. I drank more alcohol then I think I ever have in my life.

It was a purging month. It was a dark month. I revelled in the solitude that my canvases provided me. They were my lovers, my friends, my life. I wish I could rewind and stay in that mode forever. In that mindset there was no guilt. The guilt and self punishment came out like an oil-strike. I became a being that I always desired to be. I was an artist. A pained one at that.

I felt what the likes of Van Gough felt. I always thought about what the greats must have felt as they created masterpieces. I am no master but I think I had the same form of gratitude when it was all said and done. Hanging that first piece is a feeling I will never in my life forget. It was better than any sex I have had in my life. It was better than the best meal I have ever eaten. Most of the people at my 1st opening didn't even know I was the artist. Not for at least an hour. What a beautiful anonymous hour that was. I sat with a glass of wine or maybe three, and I watched them. I watched them mingle and whisper, and contemplate.

Then the strangest thing happened. My promoter Kelly came over to me and handed me a sold placard. Then it began, one after another the placards started to be placed. I remember feeling both happy and sad. Happy that I made some money, but very sad indeed. A huge part of my soul would be leaving that space without me attached. One by one they came down, and I remember feeling bad as I saw them wrapped. I remember hoping that the new owners would love them as much as I did. I still wonder about that. It's nice to know that a piece of me will live on forever if taken care of properly. I hope my legacy is one of perseverance, and strength. I can't wait to get my canvases in. I can't wait to get that feeling that only a birth mother knows. I can't wait to bear my soul once again. It's coming soon. And I can't wait!

Playing around!

2008-07-14T18:34:00.004-05:00

I was just playing around with some simple Ideas and thinking of a wonderful friend of mine that I just adore "D", and out popped this lil number. She may never truly know how I feel about her. Maybe thats best. I rather like it a lot. Tell me what you think?

Let me know what emotions it brings to mind.

Girl In A Coma!

2008-07-13T21:10:00.004-05:00

You will have by now noticed that I changed the music on my page. All the songs here are performed by a local San Antonio trio of young women Named Girl In A Coma. I have seen them in dive locations more times than I can remember. They were signed by Joan Jett's record label, Blackheart records. They have been touring the US and Europe for some time now. I have drank Lone Star beer with these wonderful gals, and can tell you that they are coming home on August the 2nd and I cant wait! They are destined for greatness. They are fresh, raw, and real!

So, blogger's? who is your favorite up and coming band?

2008-07-12T10:58:00.004-05:00

From time to time here on my little blog I jump away from pictures of sexy women and canvases. Today I was looking through my archive of Show invites, and ran across this one. Kettle Art is a beautiful gallery in Dallas TX. I have seen many exhibits there.

The Image made me think of my horrific experience at the pump today. $63.00 to fill my tank! My god was I pissed! How the hell did we as a country allow this to happen? I have friends that literally cannot afford to drive to work daily. San Antonio Texas is a large city geographically. Usual round trips to and from major work centers are 65 to 80 miles.

I am lucky that I live pretty close to the community that I sell homes in.

Senator Phil Graham had the audacity to suggest that we were in a mental recession? What a pompous fool! He probably hasn't been to a gas station in 40 years. I tell you what, America needs to wake up and smell the coffee. John McCain will send this country further down the downward spiral!

What is the general consensus out there on the present gas situation? Let it all hang out!

Lindi

2008-07-06T14:56:00.003-05:00

A small example of a two year old piece that I am proud of. I wish I was a better technical artist unfortunately I am not. No real explanation here except an incredibly beautiful subject! This was a very interesting sitting.

Yellow Part 2

2008-07-06T09:24:00.003-05:00

I have uploaded the song Yellow to my page. This lil tyke embodies that song for me. The words so perfectly describe my love for him as though I sing them myself. I hope you enjoy!