So I am here. filled with dread, The most precious of my creations loves me , my canvas' love me. My family loves me......The world loves me......But do I love me? I think not. I begrudge myself like nobody else alive. Realization sets in....My camera will never shoot images that will be on LIFE magazine. My son will probably never see me past age 55....My life is slowly dwindling to it's end. What have I acomplished other than to shatter dreams and hopes? It is a question I ponder tonight.

I photographed this in 2007

What A Crazy World we live in

Yes I do! In all Honesty I always have. Looking in places I thought you might be. Searching...Always searching...Not a day went by I didn't think "I wonder what she's doing, I wonder where she is". For some odd reason you always drove our car. I always rode shotgun. You never wanted to pay tolls either! I remember your beautiful white bikini, and how I would marvel at the tone of your skin in the sun, bronze, and glistening in the bright light of the sun that could not outshine you. I remember your swatch watch, your nimble fingers and how fantastic your nails looked when painted burgundy.

Where you were all these years I do not know, but I want to! I love our talks like you can't imagine. The Picture to the right was painted by Andy Warhol in 1984 Three full years before we met and yet here it is as a symbol of how I felt then , and now. 25 years later and I love you as much now as I did then, maybe more. Yes More!

I know i slack from time to time in writing here but when I do I make certain one thing rings true! I love you!

Sunday Sunday

I love Sunday's 

I didn't always love Sunday's 

Sometimes I "liked Sunday's

When I would take care of my mom on Sunday's I Loved being with her

A long time ago, I always worked on Sunday's

Today I love Sunday's because Sunday

is one day closer to you!

See ya tomorrow ~

Breathe!

True love comes but a mere once in life.  At a time when calamity and sadness have filled my life in walked the most beautiful creature ever did I see.  I am dumbfounded and punch drunken at the thought of what has appeared before me.  never in a million years would I have been able able to pen a more perfect script.  However it ends up I am thankful you are here.  

    I have and will love you always more now than ever before if that's even possible.  I am a different man today than the one you knew then.  A better man than ever I was.  Dance with me tonight in my dreams.....  

"Virginia is for Lovers"

    In the annals of time it can be said that love ever elusive as she is, is a son of a bitch. This last year has been one fraught with unbearable milestones in my my life. My mother passed away on December 16th 2011. My mother was woman. In every sense of the word. Caring, Loving, fiercely defensive of her children. I loved my mother more than I have ever loved anything. Her passing was not a shock, however nothing could have ever prepared me for the greatest loss of my life.

     I speak of love here often, as you all know....I have not been graced with life's greatest treasures...or have I? In my 45 years of life I have had 3 great loves....This I know above all to be true...Love never dies...Heather was the 1st, as I have written here we were a mere 16 years of age until I joined the US Navy we were together the two of us. I loved her with all that my young soul could muster. We all know about Melinda......My dear Melinda Mother of my most precious gift Camron, my beautiful boy, my lineage, my birth right, my namesake.

     In between there is a shadow of a woman that I have never mentioned here before. The type of woman that with a glance would make your heart skip a beat. The type of woman whose laugh would melt your very being. The type of woman that any man would fall head over heels in love with, and coddle for an eternity. For more years than I can count I searched for this poignant part of my past. I always claim that my score with love is Coby 0 love 100. I never seem to win in love. But looking back maybe I am the luckiest fella on this planet. I take you back to 1988 a young sailor on a Saturday night out to a nightclub in Virginia Beach Virginia. I remember her like it was yesterday.
   
     The club's name was September's. I saw her there dancing...... with another fella at that! In a form fitting tube type dress with semi wide shoulder straps.....It was navy blue and white horizontal stripes. Her very visage struck me straight away. I knew I had to have her, I had to speak to her, this beautiful vision before me. I was never afraid of women but shy would be an under-statement. Tina and I were lucky enough to experience a whirlwind love affair. I fell for her immediately. within 6 months we were married. Yes married I said. Truly the love of all loves was now my wife at the ripe old age of 20, I a mere 21. I was but a year older. Tina was my world for a short time until youth captured the both of us and did to us what youth always does....Tears you apart. I could go on forever on what I remember of our short time together. Just the thought of her name haunted me my entire life. What if? What if I hadn't been such a young asshole? What if I had been a strong man at such a young age and defied statistics? What if..........

    My entire life through relationship after relationship I searched for Tina. I cannot remember a time or year or even a minute that I didn't look for her. Many times coming quite close to finding her. So close.....but always eluding me was that shadow of a woman I loved with more of my soul than ever I gave away. The advent of the internet led me on the treasure hunt of a lifetime....Literally a lifetime. I found Tina on facebook about a year ago.

     I spoke with her today. Funny how I always speak of Serendipity here. I actually "heard" her voice today. I cannot describe what I felt at that moment. I wish it would have lasted forever. I was drunk in her voice. It was just as I remembered. We spoke as though we had never had a 23 year gap in there. we spoke with ease and for 45 minutes I was in heaven again. Tina, I never stopped loving you. My family would attest to the fact that although beauty has always found me, I always wanted you....The most beautiful of them all, My Tina, my soul-mate. I know you are my soulmate because my soul has never relinquished your memory from itself. I love you today as though you and I never separated and ultimately divorced. Those earthly terms don't apply in this case. I long to hear your voice again. I will hear your voice again this I know. Two souls connected can never part, and in this lifetime I will have you once more. It's a dream I have.................to be continued......"When two worlds collide a miraculous birth occurs" Stephen Hocking.

FTW

Fuck The world I always say. Art chaos has always quelched my hideous soul. I spite those that grab and feed and lie at best. Unsung rhetoric of the worst sort. Nothing compares to the emptiness I feel. The world around me begs and pleads to be part of my maniacal orchestra where words like love exist not. Fuck the World I say and all it is in it's petty thievery. They lie in wait for the bait that covets the ritual of hate.

Yes the fucking painting is of my hand......

I just want Something I can never Have

So goes the melody, The soft sound of familiarity that rings in my ears. Never the one to get the prize....Such is life in the losers circle. Always falling short of glory by a nose even. Cruelty in it's purest form. Sound is my resolve, and my wittiest friend. Dark Day's again....

Wickets

Wickets are snipity things I cling to when I feel lonely or upset. Wickets aren't really "things" at all. In reality wickets are my hopes and dreams. Sometimes there are many cracked and shattered wickets strewn to the front and back of my internal being.
Reality being what it is callous, and cold are truths......
Truth serum is what I need. My truth serum has always been my painting, I haven't painted in some time now. I think it may be time.

Tonight I will induce myself into a drunken stupor and do what it is I do. I will paint for you.........

Caught in the middle

Left to right.......Tonight I ask for strength...why fight.

Caught in the middle with nowhere to run.....

Seeing no end......From the middle I come.

Treachery to witness to sit and stare at the calamity that surrounds me out there.

Caught in the middle without a chance to move.

Such a young age to have to anchor this mess...

Awaiting the end of it I watch life's clock....

I'm supposed to be the kid.......not the rock.




p.s It's alway's darkest before the dawn.

Truth

I just want something I can never have. Chasing happiness in life is a sad tale, one I tell over, and over in my bruised and battered mind. I fight....I fight...but to whom? In it's plain sense of reality I only fight myself. Something within that bites, tugs and draws me into it's nothingness.. Satisfaction denied with the click of a furious touch of a fingertip. Digitized my soul has become and in itself it's lost. So beautiful am I to me, and me alone.

Highways

So this is my life. The time to rise as a yeast infested concoction of heavenly chemistry rises to become a glorious pan of bread. For oh too long now I have traveled the path of least resistance. Traveled third class in a life that dealt me a bad hand. Or did it? Reflecting back a ceremonious twisted and depraved road has led me to this. It has truly led me to you. Without reservation I say this. You are my oxygen. You have awakened a sleeping giant. Many will scoff and laugh as they do and in the end? It will matter not. My dream will happen and nothing will stand in it’s way. Like a rusty and beaten steamroller I will trounce on a destiny that has lain low in it’s own secrecy. It is you. you know who you are. I am a butterfly indeed.....I feel more alive at this moment than ever I have felt before. It is as if something has plugged me into a live wire of insurmountable voltage. My mind roams free in ways I haven’t known in ages. A sleepy bear is awakening from a hibernation of hell. Join me in my feast as I fight for my dream! My dream is you, only you, you know who you are.

Serendipity

Funny how fate works. one day your on facebook and a tiny lil game draws you into a yearlong odyssey of pleasure and pain. In the true sense of the word Serendipity was at work all along. By definition Serendipity means: (n) The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident. As one of my favorite movies challenges, is life a mere set of fortunate accidents after all? To look at the twists and turns of where I am today versus this same time last year one thing holds true. As cruel as Fate and destiny can be we have a wonderful safeguard to it all.....Serendipity.

I am pleased with you in every way. You are blood that feeds my heart. You are simply the air I breath. Quiet is your way, and solid is your foundation whether you see it or not. Intelligence your sword, and beauty is your destiny. How many turns you took to find me is anyone's guess. At every one of them the outcome would be different. Yet....Here you are, my most precious act of Serendipity.

I often gaze at the night sky wondering where the stars are in your eyes. I imagine you see them the same as I, yet different. Your eyes so big, and bright seeing the same stars at night, yet different. Yes I say it truly is a myriad of fortunate accidents that have led you to me. So you tell me? Is there really such a thing as fate? Or...Is life really an unset whirlwind of beautiful Serendipity. Life is very much like the photo I took that appears in this post. An unknown curve in the road. We cannot see it's beginning nor it's end. You have rekindled the eyes I once knew and lost to a digital world of meaningless fodder. You truly found the real me in a mixture of concocted masks. I hope I make you as happy as you make me my precious angel. This is for you and only you, you know who you are!

If only

If only i could see the things that I don't see, If only I could grab the things that elude me.
I could walk a thousand miles , and never take a breath. Time so slowly crawling underneath my solemn fears. You release the frantic majesty within making days go ever so clear.
Falling and tumbling rolling in and out of wind-shed torrents of color.
Blistering to the touch my empty soul awakens to see a new dawn of amazement.
Deep and dark the search has been finding one and then another. Falling from grace on each attempt until the search seems futile Oh so futile.
A shimmering mind before me so new and so raw, so innocent and yet complex with darkness.
Tugging, pulling in all directions at once my soul yearns to know you. A picture in my minds eye.
Standing in the rain I feel each drop as they cascade and wash away a weary exterior.
Each drop cleansing a dirty self conscious.
I await that day of realization....The realization of you.

Sublime Libation

Magical as a sultry libation. Tingly to the palate. Demure in presence, and yet as strong as a a bar of steel. Pristine in every way, delicate and torrid in one. Stunning in ways that most only dare to dream. Dreams take shape in forms unknown. Vivid sheets of crimson I see. A universe unto itself the simple thought of you creates heat. Heat from within slowly brewing its magical Libation....Steamy and wet it glides into spaces forbidden. Filling voids. Magically my libation comforts me. Until the time comes....tingling sensations abound! Leap! Jump! Tumble!......lifting a chalice! et al deforum in tact we deflect whats near. In your image I lose my fear. Red flecks of color hold crimson dear.

Fantasia

I look I see I am. How is it that what I see is not seen? How is it that what I feel is not felt? Such is life in the rut sometimes. Grinding each day down as it comes. Fantasizing about the ever elusive fantasia. In the depths of my mind my fantasia may be quite different in body and constitution from others same rendition. Simple is my wonderland......A land filled with you. "You", can mean many things and people even. As for me, my "you" is...... simply you. Twisting and turning trying to get the you I see to see yourself is not an easy task. Nothing in life is ever easy now is it? Vivid thoughts of candy cane lanes and gold paved paths swirl through my mind, and I see reverence. I see Beauty, I see you. You don't quite see the same. Shame really as the you I see is just like me. Similar in many ways different in others. I have written many pieces of prose on this very subject.....The subject of self loathing and doubt, and fear. I have been there and back. You say I always see a silver lining and I may just do that very thing. The price paid to reach this land of fantasia was high indeed. Paid for by misery and greed. quite possibly not my own in it's own true sense, but never ending in it's thirst for self worth. What will become of my fantasia? Only time will tell the tale. Until then I grind each day as the last, and at the end of each day I will think of you......... my lonely past.

Transparancy

Transparency in a Twilight world. One filled with endless dawns. Brisk waves cleanse and purge the souls fears and desires all in one broad pass.
Eyes piercing as the sun itself. Lost in a cool breeze floating high above the mist in a cauldron of wonderment. Each and every glimpse precious as gold and never long enough.
famished is the urge for another glance. Thirsty in a desert filled with mirages.

Longing for the tide this twilight night.

Under the star speckled heavens my imagination takes me to a place known only to myself.

Gazing up to a statuesque shadow. Not knowing whats real at all. Bliss in my own imagination.

Sliding down a slope lined with cascading waves of pristine crystal clear waters shallow yet deep as the darkest oceans.

Twilight tonight.

Under the Tahitian moon

The Moon, The Stars, The planets.
Dancing in the summer sky tonight.
Breathing life into the night sky, I wonder.....
Can you see the same scene as I?
Is the moon as bright in your night sky?

Brightly colored kites flying high.
High so high in the night sky.
On a beach.....
This night, Two shadows cross, If only in my mind.

A sparkle , and a smile.
A giggle, and a sigh....
High in the night sky the moon dances ....
You in its light.

Tonight....
Dream!
Of the night sky and a bright moon...
Two shadows passing in the dark...

PLAYNE

What is Playne?....Well Yes! I spelled it wrong, but please do not misjudge....Playne is never Playne.......Plain is simply in the eye of the beholder. The regular everyday Plain-isms that exist are too many and oh so common to list here. I had a friend today tell me she was plain...How funny I find it that although she looks in the mirror everyday she see's not what I see. You see she is quite frankly the most sublime creature alive. She is and yet she see's not. How can this be? Freud said we rarely take notice that which is right in front of our noses. So we take Sigmund

words and we twist them to our liking and tonight I write...I write about that which is seemingly unknown. Unknown but Lurking a talent my friend knows well. The consumate Lurker. Let's delve into the depth's of beauty. You and I tonight into the maledict and misunderstood slippery beauty that is unknown to you and so inherently apparent in my mind. So let plain in and let plain behold all the worl shall be plain....Let it rain plain...Given the choice between Barbie or Plain I choose PLAIN! Sometimes that which you refuse to see is simply what the world see's and every now and again I wish you could see what I consider Plain.....

Яεζηοя

Art is a message . Art is a scent in the wind. Art is beauty, and beauty is everywhere. You see it in the crowds of people that walk the busy city streets. You see it in the cafe's. It is ever-present around u and always elusive. The hardest Beauty of all is the beauty you see every day. Tucked away neatly in a mirror. Staring at yourself is beauty to behold, or so we are told. Rarely do we see what others do in ourselves. Rarely do we notice the small and insignificant subtleties that define who we really are. I am a beauty barometer. I seek to find the beauty that you yourself cannot see. All the worlds a stage a grand stage that is set up to please the crowds. I modified an absolutely beautiful photo that was given me. It has the patina of the so's when things were lavish, rich with history and glamor. The roaring 20's they were known. Something about that era has always appealed to me.

Open Gateways into the past My mind carries me flying with the wind. Back to a time when prosperity abounded. Back to a time when honor was king and honesty was queen! Where has the past gone? Sometimes rarely you catch a glimpse of it. Gaze into the youth of today and sometimes you can see the past!

Beauty abounds this evening........Sit back, relax....sleep sweet....and Dream!

Night Kites

Like a kaleidescope kites fly high......like my imagination soaring through the night sky.
colors so dense they disappear in the moment of an instant...so quick and yet it prolongs for eternity. time is a thief..It robs and it steals....but on certain nights time heals...heals the wounds that never seem to mend....

Jump forward I see a me that I rarely see.... I see a happy me

Sand Castles

Bright with glistening flecks of crystalline glass. A menagerie of color.
once sullen now blistering hot to the touch.

Lost are the days that seemed to drag on forever with painful memories of time gone by.
The days are now never long enough. I fight sleep to keep the time I have.

In search of a muse was my driving force, a muse to retract the fears made whole by the dark.

A fresh beacon of hope and joy like a mighty lighthouse my muse came forth.
Now every breath I take is in full step with my hearts ever desire.

Kind, and gentle is the wind she rides on.

Amazing rooms await in a Sand Castle of my own construction.
A Majestic Sand Castle made of Dreams! Ride the wind and dream with me this day for soon I pray you and I will build a Sand Castle come what may.

Coby

Emeralds

Green shining Emeralds. Regal in every way. Deep green pools of substance unknown.
Diving deeper and seeking the source of deep green emerald oceans.

Wrapped up In rapture as only I at this point can feel. If the end draws near I wish to forever swim in deep green pools, The pristine volumes that are your eyes.

Coby Olivarez

Chrysalis

It's been many moons since my last post. Over the course of the last three months many evolutions of life have occurred for me. Deconstruction of years of angst hurt and turmoil was instantaneous. Over many years as you all know I have traveled a lonely highway of darkness seeking light and never finding it. I can assure you all now that I bathe in it. Bask in it even. Sleepless nights that used to signal frenzied frustration have now morphed into quiet conversations, and butterflies in my stomach. Yes I have butterflies even as I type this. It's anticipation of the most beautiful voice ever have I heard.

I know the time is near that I am bestowed the frenzy of excitement that is my souls only calling. "The one". My.... "Lisa Loeb". Those of you out there that know me know about my Lisa Loeb theory. For me Lisa Loeb represented the ever elusive "One". Always in search, and yet never coming close to finding My Lisa Loeb.

The photo above is my Lisa Loeb, the One. I will leave her name anonymous, but I am enormously Happy with who she is and what she is. Quite frankly a perfect individual in every way. Below is a piece of prose written for her by me. She of course has read it and there are many many others, and with her gracious blessing I will share them daily here. Quite different in nature from anything before them I hope you enjoy them.

My Lisa Loeb knows what the first one means obviously, but I would love your interpretations my blogger family. To My Lisa Loeb I say thank you for making every day something to look forward to. Always remember this as I say it often......DREAM!

The Little Yellow Box

The fateful day I saw a little yellow box is a day from this day forward I will never forget. Boxes can mean and carry many different things. Boxes for shoes, boxes for shirts. Boxes for things we wish to keep but never see or touch again. We store our hopes, dreams, memories, and keepsakes in boxes of all shapes and sizes. Insignificant in stature, plain in every way boxes are the building blocks of our lives. We live in boxes, we eat from boxes, we watch television through boxes. As many boxes cross our lives each and every day, the day your little yellow box crossed mine will be a day I never forget. From that day on that little yellow box has made each and every day of my life hopeful. Hopeful that one day I can travel to you in another type of box and realize a dream I have, the dream of sharing my heart, mind and soul with what I feel is the most beautiful box of them all......It's you! All wrapped up in a sublime lil box that enchants my inner being. every day I fall deeper and deeper into the wonderment that is you. You invade every minute of every hour of everyday that I spend on the biggest box of them all. Whether you ever feel the same for me or not I will always cherish the day that you came to me in a little yellow box.

Coby

so I have a new post as I am certain most have stopped reading. I am forlorn tonight. I found that a friend, I can see her smile tonight I see it.....She took her life and for what? I ask myself had I been in her shoes would I do the same? The answer is no! I love life as hard a card as i have been dealt I love life! I hope you do too! thnx and bye.............................

Blubber

Oh how I love this time of year! Halloween has always been the best time of the year for me and this year was no different. I have a strange ritual of sorts that I do year in year out. I read the book Blubber by Judy Blume. Yes I know what your thinking ladies Judy helped you through your comming of age with "Are you there god it's me Margaret". To me Blubber represented life as a fifth grader like no other. Every year at Halloween I read it because the book was set at that time. I have gotten it down to a science. I can read the entire book in 2 hours flat! I know I said that I was done here on blogger and in a way I am because I wanted to drift away from the past and look towards the future! The future is bright here. I have my passion which of course is painting, and my family and a silent observer that if I could marry today I would, but thats for another day.

Halloween is so damn sexy don't ya think? It has evolved into this naughty little holiday that is bigger than christmas by the way. It has become our night to be naughty. Trouble is as my favorite band in the world (MINISTRY) or should I say Al Jourgensen founder of Ministry wrote so many years ago....."for me everyday is Halloween"!

Hope all my blogger friends Halloween was tops!

Ciao for now!

Poem about a toilet

Yes I love this because....
I am an insane piece of shit...
and you brought me down...


But the fact is is that I see a vision of what and I never really had:
Because of you I feel I can feel myself:
then again I see the things that bring you the presipice of where I knew I've been:

Ohh I can see myself:
Has nothing to do with the you and the me, Although the plans you had I can hardly see:

You see Everything turns outside from the inside:

I see red and then I dont know what I have found...

Ya know I cleanse myself on the OUTSIDe
Yes I cleanse myselff on the inside.

I scatter all the world to the tides they turn and they feel me like I knew that you would turn:

But then the man with the sodfull legs turned me down to see myself:


Yes I wrote this and yes I hate the world as you shallow and you fallow to hear my voice, but you just can't.........

It's easy from the outside.....................

Yes! I painted this masterful work of sodry, Hold on as we glide to the bottom of the Quarry.

New Format

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Hot Drippy Wet
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Iconic Beauty Warmth
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Beauty
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I am back with a different spin on the world. A bit of a blogging sabatical.
Art is Life
Art is Death
Art is Chaos
Art is hot
Art is Drippy
Art is wet

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The End.

This last post is for you. We sat alone along time ago and listened to this song and even then, we knew at some point one of us would remember the other by it.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


I write this last post as a farewell to you my blogging friends. Yes this will be my last post. I have spent the last 2 years of writing in a public forum as a sort of cleansing if you will. Those of you that have so graciously followed ...Thank you. You have traveled with me through this journey.....I am at peace with myself ,and to every extent with the person that put me here to begin with. Tonight I made Risotto, In full Italian style. I cooked and I felt and I drank, and I wept for that truly is what Risotto is meant to be. Emotion on a plate. The song playing is by Don Henley. It is a song I know well.

For Melinda This blog is titled foryouandonlyyouyouknowwhoyouare.... "Ya I'm learning to live without you now...but I miss you sometimes.... But the more I know the less I understand... All The things I thought I'd knew... I'm learning again.... I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter... but I think it's about forgiveness..forgiveness even if ...even if you don't love me anymore"......
Yes we change in a cycle ....of who knows what ...and in the end ....it all seems for naught....
walk this entire life so taut........... and I really thought I knew........ It was really only you ............but with all that we went through....All the penniless moments... that we cascaded through ..All the strange and vivid adventures It was only me and you..loving endless triumphs ...of just me..just me and fucking and you........
"I'm learning to live without you now...but I miss you baby.... But the more I know the less I understand... All The things I thought I'd thought I figured out.. I have to learn again.... I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... Everything changes and my friends seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness...Forgiveness...Even if..Even if you don't love me anymore."


Everything changes........... yes it changes my friends ..The heart seems to glitter....... even though you know it's gone.....I traveled a lifetime......... to be with you, and in an instant you were gone. For another I do long.............."I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness...Forgiveness...Even if..Even if you don't love me"...., Yes the old heart tugs at the new.....She knows who she is....as crazy as it seems....

Goodbye Mel, I love you now as I did then, but then again what is love anyway? A fading memory of a time gone by. I wish you luck. And Yes I think it's about forgiveness.....And Yes I do forgive you.

Even if...Even if ..You don't love me........................................................................................................................................................................

It's Impossible

Tonight I write not for myself, but for two others that I wish you all knew. So in this as I sit here i will introduce you to my life. I have always had an adventurous spirit to a fault my family would tell you. Never fearful of the unknown. I was always a bit out of the norm. I always take comfort in knowing that my eccentricities were condoned by my beautiful mother. You see she herself was in every way quite the artist. Although she took the safe path I believe my mother held the artistic capacity that later in my life fueled my talent. You see my mother was an art teacher, it is what I have gathered , the thing she loved the most. Of her three children I really feel I take after her the most. My sisters may disagree, however there are traits in her that only I possess. You see this story tonight will be about a man coming to grips with the fact that life isn't always fair, and it shouldn't be really. Sometimes life has a way of setting itself straight no matter the cost. And the price is high I assure you. I was never really all that close to my parents as a young man. At 19 I left my family and went on a journey that they themselves will never know. Bit's here and there to console curiosity, but my life at that time was mine and mine alone. My sisters provided them with all they could handle. Marriage, college and the like. As for me I was referred to as Junior. The ever wayward Junior. Junior always had a story...He always had an adventure....Good or bad he was consistent with a story. I returned home and found a love, and that love separated him from his family. Time passed....Yes lots of time passed....

So we skip past decades of time to find us here in the present...I find myself here and for reasons I can't explain I am a grown man that has been blessed with the greatest gift a mortal can be given. I have been given a second chance. A chance to know and love the greatest individuals I will ever know. I sat and watched them this evening and my heart broke open. It wasn't what they were doing, rather it was what they weren't doing.As some of you may know my mother was afflicted wit Multiple Sclerosis in the late 80's. It has taken a horrible toll on her, and on my father. So I watch them carefully today as I have done for nearly 2 years now. And I wonder what life could have been. The horrors I experience through their struggles is unfathomable. I have learned not to speak of bad days as good days inevitably come.

My life is greatly altered and changed since I made the decision to move in and watch over them. My father makes a point weekly to let me know that merely having me here puts them at ease. Knowing that if needed I am here. I do quite a bit for them in the way of daily happenings. I don't think that most would ever understand. If my post's wreak of loneliness they do...A different kind of loneliness, because it is double edged, as a sword. On one side it is filled with laughter and content, and on the other hollow and empty. How can that be?

I will explain. I have had the honor of getting to know my parents like no other. I see them both in their good moments and bad. I hear all of their life's stories over and over. I hear my mother cry in pain, and I feel my fathers frustration. It is a cruel tandem. And yet I am privileged to experience the whole of it. A friend asked me recently why I couldn't find a companion. Funny thing is......I can, Yet can I really? I am too deep now with my parents. I cannot have a life outside of theirs...not now. How could I ever leave them? I can't, and won't. Therefore my personal life is at least for now totally entwined with theirs. My relationships are one night stands at best, and for now that has to be good enough for me. It is good enough for me. I sat with them this evening as I do Every evening, and we laughed. I relished in the deep hard laugh of my beautiful mother. When all is said and done I will feel that something out there gave me a second chance to know these two as never I had known.

For that I am thankful.

P.S This is their favorite song. It was written by Armando Manzanero, and remade by Perry Como. You may know it as "It's Impossible" This version was wonderfully re done by Adrea' Bocelli and Christina Aguillera. After all llife is impossible.........

Exploring the Rabbit Hole once again......

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time, and time , and fucking time again... again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.

Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................

I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......

Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies beneath.....

Envy treats....

Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....

Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"I am a bitch. How do you want me? From behind or on my knees?.... I am a slut.Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!"

Oh! and if you were wondering! yes I painted this beautifully sinfull piece today.........let's play!

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.
Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................
I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......
Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies Envy treats....
Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....
Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up...

"I am a bitch. How do you want me? From behind or on my knees?.... I am a slut.Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!"

.

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.
Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................
I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......
Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies Envy treats....
Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....
Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up....

"I am a bitch.How do you want me? From behind or on my knees? I am a slut!.... Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!".

I'LL BE ART NOISE!

Funny thing about life:

Funny how life is such a multitude of Dualities. I love, I hate, I am having a bad day, yet in an instant something small can turn my day into something glorious.

The last month or so has really been a hard one for me no doubt. Outwardly, I have been a rock. Inside, I have been anything but.

Throughout all this time a lil visitor always seems to level me out. He is slight of build, but has the strength of
an entire nation. He is inquisitive. He loves and adores the weather. He will receive a telescope for Christmas. He is forgiving. He is understanding. He is a star unto himself. He is the coolest creature I know, and he knows it because he knows his daddy is a pretty cool cat himself. He is my legacy. I can write about him for hours. I think I will:

This upcoming Wednesday which is our day together, I will take him to the bank to set him up with his own account. My lil man is really interested and fascinated by money. Not in an adult way either which may make it a lil bad. His fascination is quite innocent. I will take him with his grandfather, and together 3 generations of Olivarez men will open an account for our newest tycoon. He will be able to follow it's growth on the internet. He told me this evening that he wants to save 200 dollars, and immediately it changed to 5000, then 100 thousand.

My pride masks all the negativity of the last week as I realize that my son doesn't understand that his mother and I were ever together to begin with. This can be good and bad , but for now it's good.

I can see him right now in my mind. I hope he see's things that I never could. I hope he see's the cure of cancer. I hope he see's world Peace. I hope He see's... It's quite pleasing to know my gene-pool will go on beyond my great grandfather, and his son, and his son, and then me. It's perplexing to think that my son may see the year 2100. It pleases me to know that he will always know me as his father, his daddy. The man that stands up for him in any circumstance he gets into.

My sacrifices are for him, and only him. He pleases me in every way. To my dear son John Camron I leave this electronic fingerprint for all the world to know that I love you so.

See you tomorrow my angel! Know that your daddy is never far away.


I took the above photo in downtown San Antonio. I loved its fortitude, like that of my lil man!

Independance Day................

Now I know what you all must be thinking? Coby listens to Country Music?????......Actually I don't, however, I am a lover of music. So this song seems quite fitting today. Oh....and yes I do like it . I always have. Martina Mcbride has such a beautiful voice. Don't ask me if I know her extensive catalogue....I don't....but I do love this 1 song.

Today was a day like any other in my life. I woke up, I showered, I ate breakfast. Not unlike any other day I suppose, but today was a little different. I had my son yesterday so today I woke up and took him to school. He as you all know lives with his mom, and they live about an hours drive from me. Funny thing is we all live in San Antonio. It's actually that big! So here he and I are on the long drive to school. He told me that his mommy was going to be going to court today. Of course I already knew because.... I too would be in court this day...This dreary miserable, drizzling cold day. I made the split decision to tell him why. I am his father after all. You see......I don't recall ever stating this here before but here goes.....

His mother and I have been seperated for 5 years now. Why we never formally divorced has been a question of great speculation all these years. Some said a love like ours could never be broken. Some said we didn't have the time or money. Some said we were just plain stupid.....Some said.....

When I got home I had but one thing on my mind. I have to look dashing! Why this was a concern to me is anyones guess. Maybe it was some sick romantic notion that I felt if I looked great it wouldn't happen. I sat in a dark courtroom, and it wasn't anything like I had envisioned. For some odd reason I thought the end of a union filled with romance would somehow be romantic. The only thing romantic about it was my long walk through downtown San Antonio in the rain after it was done.

In the end 18 and one quarter years of history together were wiped clean in a matter of minutes. The wait was 20 times as long as the act itself. I looked good, and it did not matter. I shared this experience with one friend,... and only one friend as it was happening. Other than a last minute notice to my parents, I had not told a single soul.

As I write this....It will be my sisters' first notification of this event. I kept it completely to myself. I feel good in many ways that my long ordeal is finaly legally over. I feel that it may take some time for me to digest the whole of it. I walked out of that courtroom as I came in.....

Alone.

My now ex- Mother in Law called me shorltly afterwards and told me that no matter what I would always be her Son in Law. She told me how much she loved and cared for me. I thought that was quite nice in a weird way.

I walked around downtown, and snapped alot of pictures. The one on here today was one of them. In the foreground just peaking into the shot is a beautiful lone building called the Tower life building. It stands alone amidst others. It is different as am I. So today really was a romantic day in a way. It's the day I gave my heart away.......

09.11.01

I painted this canvas in the fall of 2005. One of my best friends in the world Adrian has it. It is titled "09.11.01". When I painted it I wanted to convey a fogginess...A haze. The photo is not out of focus. The painting itself is out of focus, just like we as nation were out of focus, and left with the horrible aftermath of a world tragedy. I had been to the Towers many times in my life. They were the shining symbols progress, and Metropolitan Life. To me, they represented the city itself. They truly were the fingerprints of the worlds greatest city.

All the while in Gotham-esque awe I never once thought about the human beings that worked inside them. My many visits to Windows on the World, The restaurant on the 106th and 107th floor of Tower 1 were filled with memories of utter joy. Never once had I taken the opportunity to notice the People there. How I wish I had.

I painted the Towers red to symbolize many things. Fire, Rage, Fear, Angst. Across it I scrawled the words "Lest we Forget".

I lost a very close friend to the tragedy of 9-11. His name was Wallace Allen. He was a great man in many ways. He was so proud to have been able to say that he worked in the Towers at the World Trade Center. It had in many ways become his calling card. If you asked him where he worked he would quickly tell you. Tha Towas. No I didn't misspell that, That's the way he said it as his New York accent was always present. I met him ironically in San Antonio Texas in the mid 90's. He was here on a contract job with the phone company. It was that profession that led him to his fate. He worked for Atlantic Bell, which had a contract with Northern Telecom. He was in Tower # 1 on September 11 2001 when it fell. I didn't find out about his fate for 3 months.

Today of course is the Eigth anniversary of that fateful day. Barely any coverage anymore. Hardly a whisper.......I plan to do a very controversial piece of artwork soon. With all of your help I can do it. I have researched, and nothing like it exists. I see it in my mind. It is an image. I plan to do it and it will be noticed because of it's sheer Factor of terror. It will be frightening. It will hit a nerve. Will you all help me? I am hoping you will.

Lest We Forget.......................

Rain!

I love the rain, It comes along so infrequently. It washes all the dirt away.....

It rained hard and steady this morning for at least 2 hours. I woke up quite early this morning to the sound of thunder. It was blissful! The weather has been flirting with us down here for a few days now. Mother Earth finally opened her arms and let it rain!

Clean?

Man my soul needs cleansing...It needs it so very badly...I have spent oceans of time contemplating mistakes and non observances.....It's time to heal, and yet I can't, for some unknown reason do it. I don't want to let go, and I know I should, If only I could....Everyone around me tells me your spectacular, your the best!, and yet I feel that no I am not the best.....I am not even second best.... Maybe third best is ok, but I don't want to be third best. I live in a fantasy-land of the past...I reflect and look back, and I can see myself smile....I haven't smiled in such a long time... I want to smile again...I love the band Filter, the music takes back to a better time, a time when I was at peace, and I love peace...I need peace....I beg for peace in this fucked up life that doesn't stop or hope to stop for me.....I want peace.....

She can give me peace...she could..... If only she knew....I sit I type I reflect and I feel sadness, always...Little ray's of sunlight come along, and then, inevitably the darkness comes....I feel like a fool that will never learn the error of his ways......Never learn or will I? No I will never learn...It is my destiny to stay stupified in my own melancholy world of shit....It's where I feel the most safe....Safety in gloom is far better than reality is it not? No, it isn't, and yet I tread the waters of life without a course.....Souless at best... If only for a moment, if only she could see, feel and touch as I do... If only...... I pour my heart and soul out here, and all I really hope for is that one chance...That miniscule chance that she would find me.....I know she won't...And If she did, she wouldn't see my words as I do.......Only I can see the real me...and in that she is me............

Song of the Irish

I sit before my keyboard, and I have emotions for you, for me, for all of us...An era has come to pass....A Man's life stands before us this evening, and we, or I should clarify I, feel his life was worth mine. Senator Edward M. Kennedy...I was named after his brother Jack...I was called Jackie when I was young enough not to remember, although the fabric of the Kennedy's was ingrained in me from a very young age. They were fighters they fought for us when we didn't know what fighting was. I can honestly sit before you tonight and glince at the trials that this family have fought for you and I as though we were their own. The last of a brotherhood of empathy have exited our world, and I pray that their fight will continue....Sail softly mariner for the whole world will resound your accomplishments this evening......Sail into the salts sweat as only a mariner can understand. The sea holds a man's fare as no other can behold! Sail into the unknown as any sailor would with courage!..........Looking into dark clouds and always know that a nation that saw, and understood that you, my friend protected us as men....Without reservation of class, or upbringing...Teddy you fought the hard fight. I admire and wish to follow in your hearty mariners spirit........God Bless you my brother! Rest in peace Teddy....Sail away!

The Begining of the end......

In control.....yes I am in control...or am I? Yes I am... I am in a mood I want to move, and go I shall... I am on the move.... The picture here was shot by me and,I am in complete control of what I do not know, and that's a good thing...I want to branch out..........I need a change of scenery...I need to move to where I have no Idea, but a go is a must........Circa 2005 I sit in a beautifully furnished and ravishingly accommodated Town Home here in good ole Sa Texas., No one here loves hardwood floors like me, why is that?

So yes my place was the place to be .....Ya right...But yes it was...Art decked the walls with balls of holly and Santa was scared......Strewn with all the world had to offer and life was good or so I thought.......In and out they came and they fed.....They bled upon the alter of decadence.....And we danced we played hard like we were....I painted like a furious hound back then...I painted for the masses.....They watched , They stared, they glared....I was king, I was god...I was the ultimate plaything for those with money and influence here... here we are and where are they? Oh no they are long gone and I am a hellion with a purpose now. I hate what we were and what they think they still are................A bullshit community of feeders...........And here I am....Angry and ready to feed the world my menu of shit!......For too many years I have held back and now is the time to rise....Be the Artist I AM! I AM! Not for words ,but these hands that have never failed me....You have never failed me.....Don't fail me now.....They look like yours,but they are angry and mad at the world and they have a way of digging in.......Don't fail me now.......Fuck Bernie Madoff....Stinking thief! Hands don't fail me now......I will paint and sell I will if it kills me I will sell......Many have succeeded before me and I will Succeed now.....Bow down before me world as My voice means something.....I am destined to be something to behold.............................................................in the end I want, I feel, and I dream.....and alas It was all a dream! Or was it?

Reptile

So softly I tap the keys on my imaginary keyboard....Off to a fantasy world filled with Applause at the triumphs of a king...... My court is filled and the bell has rung.....It's final chord so softly my bell tolls for a crowd unaware of the fanfare and tribute it has for it's guest of honor.....You...The final swan song ...Thus is life........What I want is what I need and inspiration is the key...And yes you have inspired me to be who I am at any cost, And the price is high. I aboard my magical fantasy piano do stroke, as my fingers never knew...Never knew they could....Yes the soft depressing song they hummmmmmm...Yes they do.... In total sync....tonight it's Insync in it's brutal form. The life I love is the life forlorn. I crave the bread that doesn't give me nourishment. Why? I ask I plead....and still I have no reprieve...The cuts they grind as if my very mind.... It goes mad even sad.....But Still the thought the whispering in my mind tells me that yes You make it all go away............You make it all go away.................

I just want something I can never have.

Gypsy!

I can recall when I first heard this fantastic group, It had to be circa 1988. I was living in Virginia Beach, Virginia. My best friend David Shaw and I were in the US Navy. He was dating an Iranian woman that lived in Washington DC. Falls Church Virginia to be exact. We had just purchased a 1964 Buick Skylark for 400 dollars. We thought that this old piece of American muscle was just hip enough for two young metro's. At that time there wasn't even a term Metro, but we were the epitome of it. We loved fashion, and clothing, and hip house music. We bought and read "Interview" magazine , created by Andy Wahol, just to see if our long sideburns were still "IN". We dreamed of New York City as though it were the center of the cosmos, lost in a never-ending sea of hipness. So off to DC, we went one fine weekend. Two carefree friends going to visit Dave's girlfriend. For privacy reasons I will only refer to her by her first name, which is Shadi. She had arranged a blind date for me, her best friend Nadia. Nadia was breathtakingly beautiful and very, very Tall! I am not tall .....5 foot five pushing 5 foot 6 at best.

We hit it off immediately. We went to a club that night in DC called the 5th Column. It was a really great club full of the world for sure. What I mean by that, is what I always loved about DC. It was full of people from everywhere else but the US. I love the US, but I love the world more!

I remember I heard the song "Bomboleo" by a group called the Gypsy Kings, and to the amazement of all that we were with........ I didn't know nor had I ever heard of them. They were all amazed, and almost appalled that with my Spanish heritage that I knew not . I didn't speak Spanish, and to this day do not. But!.....that doesn't mean I don't love this type of music because I do. I have a secret love affair with it. So melodic and utterly beautiful. The first song on my blog tonight is titled "Un Amor" or "A Love". Quite fitting as I adore love as you all know.

It's funny that it took a community of Iranian Immigrants to show me the unbelievable beauty of my own heritage. I was young, and fresh, and full of zeal. I still am strangely, that same young man today I was then. Only in an older package. My Spanish roots undoubtedly bore my passion. Passion I have, and passion I will die with. This music takes me back to a time that was cavalier in every way, dreamy roads to nowhere.Traveling in an old car that was spray painted on the inside, arm hanging out an open window, wind in my hair! Free! Roaming, and In Love! Not with a woman, but with the world itself. Wild eyed, no cynicism, pure and free

Time ticks by and a lifetime passes and where did it take me? That answer is yet to be told to me. Still, I love this world beyond all... but family. So beautiful is this music that in a small way.....It forged the inner being that I am.

Although the Gypsy Kings are French Nationals their roots are from Spain. I had the pleasure of walking on Spanish soil, and what a glorious country it is. I am thankful to have been able to see a-lot of the world as a young man. I hope to see her again as she has never let me down.

P.S If anyone can translate "Un Amor" for me It would be an un-payable favor!

Sweet Dreams bloggers!