So I am here. filled with dread, The most precious of my creations loves me , my canvas' love me. My family loves me......The world loves me......But do I love me? I think not. I begrudge myself like nobody else alive. Realization sets in....My camera will never shoot images that will be on LIFE magazine. My son will probably never see me past age 55....My life is slowly dwindling to it's end. What have I acomplished other than to shatter dreams and hopes? It is a question I ponder tonight.

I photographed this in 2007

What A Crazy World we live in

Yes I do! In all Honesty I always have. Looking in places I thought you might be. Searching...Always searching...Not a day went by I didn't think "I wonder what she's doing, I wonder where she is". For some odd reason you always drove our car. I always rode shotgun. You never wanted to pay tolls either! I remember your beautiful white bikini, and how I would marvel at the tone of your skin in the sun, bronze, and glistening in the bright light of the sun that could not outshine you. I remember your swatch watch, your nimble fingers and how fantastic your nails looked when painted burgundy.

Where you were all these years I do not know, but I want to! I love our talks like you can't imagine. The Picture to the right was painted by Andy Warhol in 1984 Three full years before we met and yet here it is as a symbol of how I felt then , and now. 25 years later and I love you as much now as I did then, maybe more. Yes More!

I know i slack from time to time in writing here but when I do I make certain one thing rings true! I love you!

Sunday Sunday

I love Sunday's 

I didn't always love Sunday's 

Sometimes I "liked Sunday's

When I would take care of my mom on Sunday's I Loved being with her

A long time ago, I always worked on Sunday's

Today I love Sunday's because Sunday

is one day closer to you!

See ya tomorrow ~

Breathe!

True love comes but a mere once in life.  At a time when calamity and sadness have filled my life in walked the most beautiful creature ever did I see.  I am dumbfounded and punch drunken at the thought of what has appeared before me.  never in a million years would I have been able able to pen a more perfect script.  However it ends up I am thankful you are here.  

    I have and will love you always more now than ever before if that's even possible.  I am a different man today than the one you knew then.  A better man than ever I was.  Dance with me tonight in my dreams.....  

"Virginia is for Lovers"

    In the annals of time it can be said that love ever elusive as she is, is a son of a bitch. This last year has been one fraught with unbearable milestones in my my life. My mother passed away on December 16th 2011. My mother was woman. In every sense of the word. Caring, Loving, fiercely defensive of her children. I loved my mother more than I have ever loved anything. Her passing was not a shock, however nothing could have ever prepared me for the greatest loss of my life.

     I speak of love here often, as you all know....I have not been graced with life's greatest treasures...or have I? In my 45 years of life I have had 3 great loves....This I know above all to be true...Love never dies...Heather was the 1st, as I have written here we were a mere 16 years of age until I joined the US Navy we were together the two of us. I loved her with all that my young soul could muster. We all know about Melinda......My dear Melinda Mother of my most precious gift Camron, my beautiful boy, my lineage, my birth right, my namesake.

     In between there is a shadow of a woman that I have never mentioned here before. The type of woman that with a glance would make your heart skip a beat. The type of woman whose laugh would melt your very being. The type of woman that any man would fall head over heels in love with, and coddle for an eternity. For more years than I can count I searched for this poignant part of my past. I always claim that my score with love is Coby 0 love 100. I never seem to win in love. But looking back maybe I am the luckiest fella on this planet. I take you back to 1988 a young sailor on a Saturday night out to a nightclub in Virginia Beach Virginia. I remember her like it was yesterday.
   
     The club's name was September's. I saw her there dancing...... with another fella at that! In a form fitting tube type dress with semi wide shoulder straps.....It was navy blue and white horizontal stripes. Her very visage struck me straight away. I knew I had to have her, I had to speak to her, this beautiful vision before me. I was never afraid of women but shy would be an under-statement. Tina and I were lucky enough to experience a whirlwind love affair. I fell for her immediately. within 6 months we were married. Yes married I said. Truly the love of all loves was now my wife at the ripe old age of 20, I a mere 21. I was but a year older. Tina was my world for a short time until youth captured the both of us and did to us what youth always does....Tears you apart. I could go on forever on what I remember of our short time together. Just the thought of her name haunted me my entire life. What if? What if I hadn't been such a young asshole? What if I had been a strong man at such a young age and defied statistics? What if..........

    My entire life through relationship after relationship I searched for Tina. I cannot remember a time or year or even a minute that I didn't look for her. Many times coming quite close to finding her. So close.....but always eluding me was that shadow of a woman I loved with more of my soul than ever I gave away. The advent of the internet led me on the treasure hunt of a lifetime....Literally a lifetime. I found Tina on facebook about a year ago.

     I spoke with her today. Funny how I always speak of Serendipity here. I actually "heard" her voice today. I cannot describe what I felt at that moment. I wish it would have lasted forever. I was drunk in her voice. It was just as I remembered. We spoke as though we had never had a 23 year gap in there. we spoke with ease and for 45 minutes I was in heaven again. Tina, I never stopped loving you. My family would attest to the fact that although beauty has always found me, I always wanted you....The most beautiful of them all, My Tina, my soul-mate. I know you are my soulmate because my soul has never relinquished your memory from itself. I love you today as though you and I never separated and ultimately divorced. Those earthly terms don't apply in this case. I long to hear your voice again. I will hear your voice again this I know. Two souls connected can never part, and in this lifetime I will have you once more. It's a dream I have.................to be continued......"When two worlds collide a miraculous birth occurs" Stephen Hocking.

FTW

Fuck The world I always say. Art chaos has always quelched my hideous soul. I spite those that grab and feed and lie at best. Unsung rhetoric of the worst sort. Nothing compares to the emptiness I feel. The world around me begs and pleads to be part of my maniacal orchestra where words like love exist not. Fuck the World I say and all it is in it's petty thievery. They lie in wait for the bait that covets the ritual of hate.

Yes the fucking painting is of my hand......

I just want Something I can never Have

So goes the melody, The soft sound of familiarity that rings in my ears. Never the one to get the prize....Such is life in the losers circle. Always falling short of glory by a nose even. Cruelty in it's purest form. Sound is my resolve, and my wittiest friend. Dark Day's again....

Wickets

Wickets are snipity things I cling to when I feel lonely or upset. Wickets aren't really "things" at all. In reality wickets are my hopes and dreams. Sometimes there are many cracked and shattered wickets strewn to the front and back of my internal being.
Reality being what it is callous, and cold are truths......
Truth serum is what I need. My truth serum has always been my painting, I haven't painted in some time now. I think it may be time.

Tonight I will induce myself into a drunken stupor and do what it is I do. I will paint for you.........

Caught in the middle

Left to right.......Tonight I ask for strength...why fight.

Caught in the middle with nowhere to run.....

Seeing no end......From the middle I come.

Treachery to witness to sit and stare at the calamity that surrounds me out there.

Caught in the middle without a chance to move.

Such a young age to have to anchor this mess...

Awaiting the end of it I watch life's clock....

I'm supposed to be the kid.......not the rock.




p.s It's alway's darkest before the dawn.

Truth

I just want something I can never have. Chasing happiness in life is a sad tale, one I tell over, and over in my bruised and battered mind. I fight....I fight...but to whom? In it's plain sense of reality I only fight myself. Something within that bites, tugs and draws me into it's nothingness.. Satisfaction denied with the click of a furious touch of a fingertip. Digitized my soul has become and in itself it's lost. So beautiful am I to me, and me alone.

Highways

So this is my life. The time to rise as a yeast infested concoction of heavenly chemistry rises to become a glorious pan of bread. For oh too long now I have traveled the path of least resistance. Traveled third class in a life that dealt me a bad hand. Or did it? Reflecting back a ceremonious twisted and depraved road has led me to this. It has truly led me to you. Without reservation I say this. You are my oxygen. You have awakened a sleeping giant. Many will scoff and laugh as they do and in the end? It will matter not. My dream will happen and nothing will stand in it’s way. Like a rusty and beaten steamroller I will trounce on a destiny that has lain low in it’s own secrecy. It is you. you know who you are. I am a butterfly indeed.....I feel more alive at this moment than ever I have felt before. It is as if something has plugged me into a live wire of insurmountable voltage. My mind roams free in ways I haven’t known in ages. A sleepy bear is awakening from a hibernation of hell. Join me in my feast as I fight for my dream! My dream is you, only you, you know who you are.

Serendipity

Funny how fate works. one day your on facebook and a tiny lil game draws you into a yearlong odyssey of pleasure and pain. In the true sense of the word Serendipity was at work all along. By definition Serendipity means: (n) The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident. As one of my favorite movies challenges, is life a mere set of fortunate accidents after all? To look at the twists and turns of where I am today versus this same time last year one thing holds true. As cruel as Fate and destiny can be we have a wonderful safeguard to it all.....Serendipity.

I am pleased with you in every way. You are blood that feeds my heart. You are simply the air I breath. Quiet is your way, and solid is your foundation whether you see it or not. Intelligence your sword, and beauty is your destiny. How many turns you took to find me is anyone's guess. At every one of them the outcome would be different. Yet....Here you are, my most precious act of Serendipity.

I often gaze at the night sky wondering where the stars are in your eyes. I imagine you see them the same as I, yet different. Your eyes so big, and bright seeing the same stars at night, yet different. Yes I say it truly is a myriad of fortunate accidents that have led you to me. So you tell me? Is there really such a thing as fate? Or...Is life really an unset whirlwind of beautiful Serendipity. Life is very much like the photo I took that appears in this post. An unknown curve in the road. We cannot see it's beginning nor it's end. You have rekindled the eyes I once knew and lost to a digital world of meaningless fodder. You truly found the real me in a mixture of concocted masks. I hope I make you as happy as you make me my precious angel. This is for you and only you, you know who you are!

If only

If only i could see the things that I don't see, If only I could grab the things that elude me.
I could walk a thousand miles , and never take a breath. Time so slowly crawling underneath my solemn fears. You release the frantic majesty within making days go ever so clear.
Falling and tumbling rolling in and out of wind-shed torrents of color.
Blistering to the touch my empty soul awakens to see a new dawn of amazement.
Deep and dark the search has been finding one and then another. Falling from grace on each attempt until the search seems futile Oh so futile.
A shimmering mind before me so new and so raw, so innocent and yet complex with darkness.
Tugging, pulling in all directions at once my soul yearns to know you. A picture in my minds eye.
Standing in the rain I feel each drop as they cascade and wash away a weary exterior.
Each drop cleansing a dirty self conscious.
I await that day of realization....The realization of you.

Sublime Libation

Magical as a sultry libation. Tingly to the palate. Demure in presence, and yet as strong as a a bar of steel. Pristine in every way, delicate and torrid in one. Stunning in ways that most only dare to dream. Dreams take shape in forms unknown. Vivid sheets of crimson I see. A universe unto itself the simple thought of you creates heat. Heat from within slowly brewing its magical Libation....Steamy and wet it glides into spaces forbidden. Filling voids. Magically my libation comforts me. Until the time comes....tingling sensations abound! Leap! Jump! Tumble!......lifting a chalice! et al deforum in tact we deflect whats near. In your image I lose my fear. Red flecks of color hold crimson dear.

Fantasia

I look I see I am. How is it that what I see is not seen? How is it that what I feel is not felt? Such is life in the rut sometimes. Grinding each day down as it comes. Fantasizing about the ever elusive fantasia. In the depths of my mind my fantasia may be quite different in body and constitution from others same rendition. Simple is my wonderland......A land filled with you. "You", can mean many things and people even. As for me, my "you" is...... simply you. Twisting and turning trying to get the you I see to see yourself is not an easy task. Nothing in life is ever easy now is it? Vivid thoughts of candy cane lanes and gold paved paths swirl through my mind, and I see reverence. I see Beauty, I see you. You don't quite see the same. Shame really as the you I see is just like me. Similar in many ways different in others. I have written many pieces of prose on this very subject.....The subject of self loathing and doubt, and fear. I have been there and back. You say I always see a silver lining and I may just do that very thing. The price paid to reach this land of fantasia was high indeed. Paid for by misery and greed. quite possibly not my own in it's own true sense, but never ending in it's thirst for self worth. What will become of my fantasia? Only time will tell the tale. Until then I grind each day as the last, and at the end of each day I will think of you......... my lonely past.

Transparancy

Transparency in a Twilight world. One filled with endless dawns. Brisk waves cleanse and purge the souls fears and desires all in one broad pass.
Eyes piercing as the sun itself. Lost in a cool breeze floating high above the mist in a cauldron of wonderment. Each and every glimpse precious as gold and never long enough.
famished is the urge for another glance. Thirsty in a desert filled with mirages.

Longing for the tide this twilight night.

Under the star speckled heavens my imagination takes me to a place known only to myself.

Gazing up to a statuesque shadow. Not knowing whats real at all. Bliss in my own imagination.

Sliding down a slope lined with cascading waves of pristine crystal clear waters shallow yet deep as the darkest oceans.

Twilight tonight.

Under the Tahitian moon

The Moon, The Stars, The planets.
Dancing in the summer sky tonight.
Breathing life into the night sky, I wonder.....
Can you see the same scene as I?
Is the moon as bright in your night sky?

Brightly colored kites flying high.
High so high in the night sky.
On a beach.....
This night, Two shadows cross, If only in my mind.

A sparkle , and a smile.
A giggle, and a sigh....
High in the night sky the moon dances ....
You in its light.

Tonight....
Dream!
Of the night sky and a bright moon...
Two shadows passing in the dark...

PLAYNE

What is Playne?....Well Yes! I spelled it wrong, but please do not misjudge....Playne is never Playne.......Plain is simply in the eye of the beholder. The regular everyday Plain-isms that exist are too many and oh so common to list here. I had a friend today tell me she was plain...How funny I find it that although she looks in the mirror everyday she see's not what I see. You see she is quite frankly the most sublime creature alive. She is and yet she see's not. How can this be? Freud said we rarely take notice that which is right in front of our noses. So we take Sigmund

words and we twist them to our liking and tonight I write...I write about that which is seemingly unknown. Unknown but Lurking a talent my friend knows well. The consumate Lurker. Let's delve into the depth's of beauty. You and I tonight into the maledict and misunderstood slippery beauty that is unknown to you and so inherently apparent in my mind. So let plain in and let plain behold all the worl shall be plain....Let it rain plain...Given the choice between Barbie or Plain I choose PLAIN! Sometimes that which you refuse to see is simply what the world see's and every now and again I wish you could see what I consider Plain.....

Яεζηοя

Art is a message . Art is a scent in the wind. Art is beauty, and beauty is everywhere. You see it in the crowds of people that walk the busy city streets. You see it in the cafe's. It is ever-present around u and always elusive. The hardest Beauty of all is the beauty you see every day. Tucked away neatly in a mirror. Staring at yourself is beauty to behold, or so we are told. Rarely do we see what others do in ourselves. Rarely do we notice the small and insignificant subtleties that define who we really are. I am a beauty barometer. I seek to find the beauty that you yourself cannot see. All the worlds a stage a grand stage that is set up to please the crowds. I modified an absolutely beautiful photo that was given me. It has the patina of the so's when things were lavish, rich with history and glamor. The roaring 20's they were known. Something about that era has always appealed to me.

Open Gateways into the past My mind carries me flying with the wind. Back to a time when prosperity abounded. Back to a time when honor was king and honesty was queen! Where has the past gone? Sometimes rarely you catch a glimpse of it. Gaze into the youth of today and sometimes you can see the past!

Beauty abounds this evening........Sit back, relax....sleep sweet....and Dream!

Night Kites

Like a kaleidescope kites fly high......like my imagination soaring through the night sky.
colors so dense they disappear in the moment of an instant...so quick and yet it prolongs for eternity. time is a thief..It robs and it steals....but on certain nights time heals...heals the wounds that never seem to mend....

Jump forward I see a me that I rarely see.... I see a happy me