Thursday, April 18, 2013

L'Amore

Kind of says it all I think!  

I love being in love with you!
Sitting here this evening awaiting your arrival here.  It puts a knot in my throat!  A tingle in my belly! A glisten in my eye!

So special you are in every way I cannot verbalize.

First thing on my mind this Morning and the last thing on my mind tonight!                
                                                                                                   

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

New beginnings Define your Soul!

Much like these spaces your dream for me is my dream for you








Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Is Life really simple after all?




Simplicity is bliss. After all life is supposed to to be simple no?  I can't imagine most things being simple at all. One thing in my life that is quite blissfully simple, is simply loving you.  Complex?  It could be for certain, however you make it easy.  Easy to sit and watch your eyes.  Did you know they sparkle when they see me?  It sis something I noticed and I hope that mine do the same.

I have always loved this photograph, I recall the day I took it.  It awed me, this special little piece of Texas Highway.  It was alone. It was peaceful, and yet it was a bit of a scary place.  life is sometimes a mirror of that stretch of road.  Never knowing what lay beyond the next curve.  take a chance with me.  Do not be scared.  let go of your fears.  Come drive this road called life with me.  If only!


Monday, April 15, 2013

Heavenly

So, many many months even years pass, and the creative mind does wander.  Have I found my Lisa Loeb?  By god I have!  Unlike any other with eyes of fire and a personality to match I have found my fire!  I think of this feeling and I do not loathe it.  I do not loathe it...I say again i do not in fact loathe it. I LOVE IT! she is a glimpse of Heaven on earth, Heavenly if you will. Such sweet sounds entice my being. My mind is amuck!  I am simply and completely in love with a being that was made for me and only me.  Common in ways I cannot describe.  Will she leave me? No,  not her. She will never leave me. She is a permanent part of my psyche! She is I, and I her!   I love you Heavenly god knows I do, with everything that is in my being I love you, and only you! Now you know who you truly are!   :)

Monday, November 26, 2012

I saw her saw


I saw her. It hurt. It shouldn't but it did. She stood there not wanting to make eye contact.  Why is that I ask?  Is it guilt? Is it shame?  Is it him?  No It's me.......I want to paint and paint I did.  I painted and felt for the 1st time in a long time safe in a world of my own creation free from the reality that binds me.  Purity?  there is no such thing.  I am a poser after all. : /

Saturday, April 7, 2012



















So I am here. filled with dread, The most precious of my creations loves me , my canvas' love me. My family loves me......The world loves me......But do I love me? I think not. I begrudge myself like nobody else alive. Realization sets in....My camera will never shoot images that will be on LIFE magazine. My son will probably never see me past age 55....My life is slowly dwindling to it's end. What have I acomplished other than to shatter dreams and hopes? It is a question I ponder tonight.

I photographed this in 2007

Friday, March 23, 2012

What A Crazy World we live in


Yes I do! In all Honesty I always have. Looking in places I thought you might be. Searching...Always searching...Not a day went by I didn't think "I wonder what she's doing, I wonder where she is". For some odd reason you always drove our car. I always rode shotgun. You never wanted to pay tolls either! I remember your beautiful white bikini, and how I would marvel at the tone of your skin in the sun, bronze, and glistening in the bright light of the sun that could not outshine you. I remember your swatch watch, your nimble fingers and how fantastic your nails looked when painted burgundy.

Where you were all these years I do not know, but I want to! I love our talks like you can't imagine. The Picture to the right was painted by Andy Warhol in 1984 Three full years before we met and yet here it is as a symbol of how I felt then , and now. 25 years later and I love you as much now as I did then, maybe more. Yes More!

I know i slack from time to time in writing here but when I do I make certain one thing rings true! I love you!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sunday Sunday

I love Sunday's 
I didn't always love Sunday's 
Sometimes I "liked Sunday's
When I would take care of my mom on Sunday's I Loved being with her
A long time ago, I always worked on Sunday's
Today I love Sunday's because Sunday
is one day closer to you!
See ya tomorrow ~






Thursday, January 26, 2012

Breathe!






True love comes but a mere once in life.  At a time when calamity and sadness have filled my life in walked the most beautiful creature ever did I see.  I am dumbfounded and punch drunken at the thought of what has appeared before me.  never in a million years would I have been able able to pen a more perfect script.  However it ends up I am thankful you are here.  

    I have and will love you always more now than ever before if that's even possible.  I am a different man today than the one you knew then.  A better man than ever I was.  Dance with me tonight in my dreams.....  

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

"Virginia is for Lovers"

    In the annals of time it can be said that love ever elusive as she is, is a son of a bitch. This last year has been one fraught with unbearable milestones in my my life. My mother passed away on December 16th 2011. My mother was woman. In every sense of the word. Caring, Loving, fiercely defensive of her children. I loved my mother more than I have ever loved anything. Her passing was not a shock, however nothing could have ever prepared me for the greatest loss of my life.

     I speak of love here often, as you all know....I have not been graced with life's greatest treasures...or have I? In my 45 years of life I have had 3 great loves....This I know above all to be true...Love never dies...Heather was the 1st, as I have written here we were a mere 16 years of age until I joined the US Navy we were together the two of us. I loved her with all that my young soul could muster. We all know about Melinda......My dear Melinda Mother of my most precious gift Camron, my beautiful boy, my lineage, my birth right, my namesake.

     In between there is a shadow of a woman that I have never mentioned here before. The type of woman that with a glance would make your heart skip a beat. The type of woman whose laugh would melt your very being. The type of woman that any man would fall head over heels in love with, and coddle for an eternity. For more years than I can count I searched for this poignant part of my past. I always claim that my score with love is Coby 0 love 100. I never seem to win in love. But looking back maybe I am the luckiest fella on this planet. I take you back to 1988 a young sailor on a Saturday night out to a nightclub in Virginia Beach Virginia. I remember her like it was yesterday.
   
     The club's name was September's. I saw her there dancing...... with another fella at that! In a form fitting tube type dress with semi wide shoulder straps.....It was navy blue and white horizontal stripes. Her very visage struck me straight away. I knew I had to have her, I had to speak to her, this beautiful vision before me. I was never afraid of women but shy would be an under-statement. Tina and I were lucky enough to experience a whirlwind love affair. I fell for her immediately. within 6 months we were married. Yes married I said. Truly the love of all loves was now my wife at the ripe old age of 20, I a mere 21. I was but a year older. Tina was my world for a short time until youth captured the both of us and did to us what youth always does....Tears you apart. I could go on forever on what I remember of our short time together. Just the thought of her name haunted me my entire life. What if? What if I hadn't been such a young asshole? What if I had been a strong man at such a young age and defied statistics? What if..........

    My entire life through relationship after relationship I searched for Tina. I cannot remember a time or year or even a minute that I didn't look for her. Many times coming quite close to finding her. So close.....but always eluding me was that shadow of a woman I loved with more of my soul than ever I gave away. The advent of the internet led me on the treasure hunt of a lifetime....Literally a lifetime. I found Tina on facebook about a year ago.

     I spoke with her today. Funny how I always speak of Serendipity here. I actually "heard" her voice today. I cannot describe what I felt at that moment. I wish it would have lasted forever. I was drunk in her voice. It was just as I remembered. We spoke as though we had never had a 23 year gap in there. we spoke with ease and for 45 minutes I was in heaven again. Tina, I never stopped loving you. My family would attest to the fact that although beauty has always found me, I always wanted you....The most beautiful of them all, My Tina, my soul-mate. I know you are my soulmate because my soul has never relinquished your memory from itself. I love you today as though you and I never separated and ultimately divorced. Those earthly terms don't apply in this case. I long to hear your voice again. I will hear your voice again this I know. Two souls connected can never part, and in this lifetime I will have you once more. It's a dream I have.................to be continued......"When two worlds collide a miraculous birth occurs" Stephen Hocking.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

FTW








Fuck The world I always say. Art chaos has always quelched my hideous soul. I spite those that grab and feed and lie at best. Unsung rhetoric of the worst sort. Nothing compares to the emptiness I feel. The world around me begs and pleads to be part of my maniacal orchestra where words like love exist not. Fuck the World I say and all it is in it's petty thievery. They lie in wait for the bait that covets the ritual of hate.

Yes the fucking painting is of my hand......

I just want Something I can never Have









So goes the melody, The soft sound of familiarity that rings in my ears. Never the one to get the prize....Such is life in the losers circle. Always falling short of glory by a nose even. Cruelty in it's purest form. Sound is my resolve, and my wittiest friend. Dark Day's again....

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Wickets
















Wickets are snipity things I cling to when I feel lonely or upset. Wickets aren't really "things" at all. In reality wickets are my hopes and dreams. Sometimes there are many cracked and shattered wickets strewn to the front and back of my internal being.
Reality being what it is callous, and cold are truths......
Truth serum is what I need. My truth serum has always been my painting, I haven't painted in some time now. I think it may be time.

Tonight I will induce myself into a drunken stupor and do what it is I do. I will paint for you.........

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Caught in the middle



















Left to right.......Tonight I ask for strength...why fight.

Caught in the middle with nowhere to run.....

Seeing no end......From the middle I come.

Treachery to witness to sit and stare at the calamity that surrounds me out there.

Caught in the middle without a chance to move.

Such a young age to have to anchor this mess...

Awaiting the end of it I watch life's clock....

I'm supposed to be the kid.......not the rock.




p.s It's alway's darkest before the dawn.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Truth



















I just want something I can never have. Chasing happiness in life is a sad tale, one I tell over, and over in my bruised and battered mind. I fight....I fight...but to whom? In it's plain sense of reality I only fight myself. Something within that bites, tugs and draws me into it's nothingness.. Satisfaction denied with the click of a furious touch of a fingertip. Digitized my soul has become and in itself it's lost. So beautiful am I to me, and me alone.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Highways



















So this is my life. The time to rise as a yeast infested concoction of heavenly chemistry rises to become a glorious pan of bread. For oh too long now I have traveled the path of least resistance. Traveled third class in a life that dealt me a bad hand. Or did it? Reflecting back a ceremonious twisted and depraved road has led me to this. It has truly led me to you. Without reservation I say this. You are my oxygen. You have awakened a sleeping giant. Many will scoff and laugh as they do and in the end? It will matter not. My dream will happen and nothing will stand in it’s way. Like a rusty and beaten steamroller I will trounce on a destiny that has lain low in it’s own secrecy. It is you. you know who you are. I am a butterfly indeed.....I feel more alive at this moment than ever I have felt before. It is as if something has plugged me into a live wire of insurmountable voltage. My mind roams free in ways I haven’t known in ages. A sleepy bear is awakening from a hibernation of hell. Join me in my feast as I fight for my dream! My dream is you, only you, you know who you are.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Serendipity



















Funny how fate works. one day your on facebook and a tiny lil game draws you into a yearlong odyssey of pleasure and pain. In the true sense of the word Serendipity was at work all along. By definition Serendipity means: (n) The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident. As one of my favorite movies challenges, is life a mere set of fortunate accidents after all? To look at the twists and turns of where I am today versus this same time last year one thing holds true. As cruel as Fate and destiny can be we have a wonderful safeguard to it all.....Serendipity.

I am pleased with you in every way. You are blood that feeds my heart. You are simply the air I breath. Quiet is your way, and solid is your foundation whether you see it or not. Intelligence your sword, and beauty is your destiny. How many turns you took to find me is anyone's guess. At every one of them the outcome would be different. Yet....Here you are, my most precious act of Serendipity.

I often gaze at the night sky wondering where the stars are in your eyes. I imagine you see them the same as I, yet different. Your eyes so big, and bright seeing the same stars at night, yet different. Yes I say it truly is a myriad of fortunate accidents that have led you to me. So you tell me? Is there really such a thing as fate? Or...Is life really an unset whirlwind of beautiful Serendipity. Life is very much like the photo I took that appears in this post. An unknown curve in the road. We cannot see it's beginning nor it's end. You have rekindled the eyes I once knew and lost to a digital world of meaningless fodder. You truly found the real me in a mixture of concocted masks. I hope I make you as happy as you make me my precious angel. This is for you and only you, you know who you are!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Amanda























I sit I am and so much of me is nothing.....Until you.....show me how...I say to myself ...You do it, and I promise....I'll run away with you.....I see you..... you...So utterly perfect in every way...And I dream you see me..... ...So cluttering is your image that it makes me weak... Literally and utterly weak. Physically in every way, a weak sod of a human....And yet strong I am in your presence, and I ask why? and the answer is this!....If I must ask..... I know not......Yet I do.....Just like heaven...... It's everything you are, Everything you do.... Your crystaline eyes like Halo's they perplex me to my very soul , like a phoenix rising in your vision I am not worthy... I say I am so not worthy.... yet I am........Amanda I love everything about you... I love you.. Amanda....with all I am and all I ever hope to be. I adore, cherish, and dream you...I am your strength, you are mine...tick tock, and so the story goes..........be mine if only in my mind my love.....yes frantic is my mind and without caution I proclaim ....Just like heaven..........................

Yes I took this photogragh tonight of my self against a lonely street until there was you......If Only my love If only....

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

If only






















If only i could see the things that I don't see, If only I could grab the things that elude me.
I could walk a thousand miles , and never take a breath. Time so slowly crawling underneath my solemn fears. You release the frantic majesty within making days go ever so clear.
Falling and tumbling rolling in and out of wind-shed torrents of color.
Blistering to the touch my empty soul awakens to see a new dawn of amazement.
Deep and dark the search has been finding one and then another. Falling from grace on each attempt until the search seems futile Oh so futile.
A shimmering mind before me so new and so raw, so innocent and yet complex with darkness.
Tugging, pulling in all directions at once my soul yearns to know you. A picture in my minds eye.
Standing in the rain I feel each drop as they cascade and wash away a weary exterior.
Each drop cleansing a dirty self conscious.
I await that day of realization....The realization of you.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Sublime Libation























Magical as a sultry libation. Tingly to the palate. Demure in presence, and yet as strong as a a bar of steel. Pristine in every way, delicate and torrid in one. Stunning in ways that most only dare to dream. Dreams take shape in forms unknown. Vivid sheets of crimson I see. A universe unto itself the simple thought of you creates heat. Heat from within slowly brewing its magical Libation....Steamy and wet it glides into spaces forbidden. Filling voids. Magically my libation comforts me. Until the time comes....tingling sensations abound! Leap! Jump! Tumble!......lifting a chalice! et al deforum in tact we deflect whats near. In your image I lose my fear. Red flecks of color hold crimson dear.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Fantasia










I look I see I am. How is it that what I see is not seen? How is it that what I feel is not felt? Such is life in the rut sometimes. Grinding each day down as it comes. Fantasizing about the ever elusive fantasia. In the depths of my mind my fantasia may be quite different in body and constitution from others same rendition. Simple is my wonderland......A land filled with you. "You", can mean many things and people even. As for me, my "you" is...... simply you. Twisting and turning trying to get the you I see to see yourself is not an easy task. Nothing in life is ever easy now is it? Vivid thoughts of candy cane lanes and gold paved paths swirl through my mind, and I see reverence. I see Beauty, I see you. You don't quite see the same. Shame really as the you I see is just like me. Similar in many ways different in others. I have written many pieces of prose on this very subject.....The subject of self loathing and doubt, and fear. I have been there and back. You say I always see a silver lining and I may just do that very thing. The price paid to reach this land of fantasia was high indeed. Paid for by misery and greed. quite possibly not my own in it's own true sense, but never ending in it's thirst for self worth. What will become of my fantasia? Only time will tell the tale. Until then I grind each day as the last, and at the end of each day I will think of you......... my lonely past.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Transparancy























Transparency in a Twilight world. One filled with endless dawns. Brisk waves cleanse and purge the souls fears and desires all in one broad pass.
Eyes piercing as the sun itself. Lost in a cool breeze floating high above the mist in a cauldron of wonderment. Each and every glimpse precious as gold and never long enough.
famished is the urge for another glance. Thirsty in a desert filled with mirages.

Longing for the tide this twilight night.

Under the star speckled heavens my imagination takes me to a place known only to myself.

Gazing up to a statuesque shadow. Not knowing whats real at all. Bliss in my own imagination.

Sliding down a slope lined with cascading waves of pristine crystal clear waters shallow yet deep as the darkest oceans.

Twilight tonight.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Under the Tahitian moon





















The Moon, The Stars, The planets.
Dancing in the summer sky tonight.
Breathing life into the night sky, I wonder.....
Can you see the same scene as I?
Is the moon as bright in your night sky?

Brightly colored kites flying high.
High so high in the night sky.
On a beach.....
This night, Two shadows cross, If only in my mind.

A sparkle , and a smile.
A giggle, and a sigh....
High in the night sky the moon dances ....
You in its light.

Tonight....
Dream!
Of the night sky and a bright moon...
Two shadows passing in the dark...

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

PLAYNE





What is Playne?....Well Yes! I spelled it wrong, but please do not misjudge....Playne is never Playne.......Plain is simply in the eye of the beholder. The regular everyday Plain-isms that exist are too many and oh so common to list here. I had a friend today tell me she was plain...How funny I find it that although she looks in the mirror everyday she see's not what I see. You see she is quite frankly the most sublime creature alive. She is and yet she see's not. How can this be? Freud said we rarely take notice that which is right in front of our noses. So we take Sigmund
words and we twist them to our liking and tonight I write...I write about that which is seemingly unknown. Unknown but Lurking a talent my friend knows well. The consumate Lurker. Let's delve into the depth's of beauty. You and I tonight into the maledict and misunderstood slippery beauty that is unknown to you and so inherently apparent in my mind. So let plain in and let plain behold all the worl shall be plain....Let it rain plain...Given the choice between Barbie or Plain I choose PLAIN! Sometimes that which you refuse to see is simply what the world see's and every now and again I wish you could see what I consider Plain.....

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Яεζηοя


Art is a message . Art is a scent in the wind. Art is beauty, and beauty is everywhere. You see it in the crowds of people that walk the busy city streets. You see it in the cafe's. It is ever-present around u and always elusive. The hardest Beauty of all is the beauty you see every day. Tucked away neatly in a mirror. Staring at yourself is beauty to behold, or so we are told. Rarely do we see what others do in ourselves. Rarely do we notice the small and insignificant subtleties that define who we really are. I am a beauty barometer. I seek to find the beauty that you yourself cannot see. All the worlds a stage a grand stage that is set up to please the crowds. I modified an absolutely beautiful photo that was given me. It has the patina of the so's when things were lavish, rich with history and glamor. The roaring 20's they were known. Something about that era has always appealed to me.

Open Gateways into the past My mind carries me flying with the wind. Back to a time when prosperity abounded. Back to a time when honor was king and honesty was queen! Where has the past gone? Sometimes rarely you catch a glimpse of it. Gaze into the youth of today and sometimes you can see the past!

Beauty abounds this evening........Sit back, relax....sleep sweet....and Dream!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Night Kites

























Like a kaleidescope kites fly high......like my imagination soaring through the night sky.
colors so dense they disappear in the moment of an instant...so quick and yet it prolongs for eternity. time is a thief..It robs and it steals....but on certain nights time heals...heals the wounds that never seem to mend....

Jump forward I see a me that I rarely see.... I see a happy me

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Sand Castles




Bright with glistening flecks of crystalline glass. A menagerie of color.
once sullen now blistering hot to the touch.

Lost are the days that seemed to drag on forever with painful memories of time gone by.
The days are now never long enough. I fight sleep to keep the time I have.

In search of a muse was my driving force, a muse to retract the fears made whole by the dark.

A fresh beacon of hope and joy like a mighty lighthouse my muse came forth.
Now every breath I take is in full step with my hearts ever desire.

Kind, and gentle is the wind she rides on.

Amazing rooms await in a Sand Castle of my own construction.
A Majestic Sand Castle made of Dreams! Ride the wind and dream with me this day for soon I pray you and I will build a Sand Castle come what may.

Coby

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Emeralds



Green shining Emeralds. Regal in every way. Deep green pools of substance unknown.
Diving deeper and seeking the source of deep green emerald oceans.

Wrapped up In rapture as only I at this point can feel. If the end draws near I wish to forever swim in deep green pools, The pristine volumes that are your eyes.

Coby Olivarez

Monday, September 27, 2010

Chrysalis



It's been many moons since my last post. Over the course of the last three months many evolutions of life have occurred for me. Deconstruction of years of angst hurt and turmoil was instantaneous. Over many years as you all know I have traveled a lonely highway of darkness seeking light and never finding it. I can assure you all now that I bathe in it. Bask in it even. Sleepless nights that used to signal frenzied frustration have now morphed into quiet conversations, and butterflies in my stomach. Yes I have butterflies even as I type this. It's anticipation of the most beautiful voice ever have I heard.

I know the time is near that I am bestowed the frenzy of excitement that is my souls only calling. "The one". My.... "Lisa Loeb". Those of you out there that know me know about my Lisa Loeb theory. For me Lisa Loeb represented the ever elusive "One". Always in search, and yet never coming close to finding My Lisa Loeb.

The photo above is my Lisa Loeb, the One. I will leave her name anonymous, but I am enormously Happy with who she is and what she is. Quite frankly a perfect individual in every way. Below is a piece of prose written for her by me. She of course has read it and there are many many others, and with her gracious blessing I will share them daily here. Quite different in nature from anything before them I hope you enjoy them.

My Lisa Loeb knows what the first one means obviously, but I would love your interpretations my blogger family. To My Lisa Loeb I say thank you for making every day something to look forward to. Always remember this as I say it often......DREAM!

The Little Yellow Box

The fateful day I saw a little yellow box is a day from this day forward I will never forget. Boxes can mean and carry many different things. Boxes for shoes, boxes for shirts. Boxes for things we wish to keep but never see or touch again. We store our hopes, dreams, memories, and keepsakes in boxes of all shapes and sizes. Insignificant in stature, plain in every way boxes are the building blocks of our lives. We live in boxes, we eat from boxes, we watch television through boxes. As many boxes cross our lives each and every day, the day your little yellow box crossed mine will be a day I never forget. From that day on that little yellow box has made each and every day of my life hopeful. Hopeful that one day I can travel to you in another type of box and realize a dream I have, the dream of sharing my heart, mind and soul with what I feel is the most beautiful box of them all......It's you! All wrapped up in a sublime lil box that enchants my inner being. every day I fall deeper and deeper into the wonderment that is you. You invade every minute of every hour of everyday that I spend on the biggest box of them all. Whether you ever feel the same for me or not I will always cherish the day that you came to me in a little yellow box.

Coby

Saturday, March 27, 2010

so I have a new post as I am certain most have stopped reading. I am forlorn tonight. I found that a friend, I can see her smile tonight I see it.....She took her life and for what? I ask myself had I been in her shoes would I do the same? The answer is no! I love life as hard a card as i have been dealt I love life! I hope you do too! thnx and bye.............................

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Blubber



Oh how I love this time of year! Halloween has always been the best time of the year for me and this year was no different. I have a strange ritual of sorts that I do year in year out. I read the book Blubber by Judy Blume. Yes I know what your thinking ladies Judy helped you through your comming of age with "Are you there god it's me Margaret". To me Blubber represented life as a fifth grader like no other. Every year at Halloween I read it because the book was set at that time. I have gotten it down to a science. I can read the entire book in 2 hours flat! I know I said that I was done here on blogger and in a way I am because I wanted to drift away from the past and look towards the future! The future is bright here. I have my passion which of course is painting, and my family and a silent observer that if I could marry today I would, but thats for another day.

Halloween is so damn sexy don't ya think? It has evolved into this naughty little holiday that is bigger than christmas by the way. It has become our night to be naughty. Trouble is as my favorite band in the world (MINISTRY) or should I say Al Jourgensen founder of Ministry wrote so many years ago....."for me everyday is Halloween"!

Hope all my blogger friends Halloween was tops!

Ciao for now!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Poem about a toilet




Yes I love this because....
I am an insane piece of shit...
and you brought me down...


But the fact is is that I see a vision of what and I never really had:
Because of you I feel I can feel myself:
then again I see the things that bring you the presipice of where I knew I've been:

Ohh I can see myself:
Has nothing to do with the you and the me, Although the plans you had I can hardly see:

You see Everything turns outside from the inside:

I see red and then I dont know what I have found...

Ya know I cleanse myself on the OUTSIDe
Yes I cleanse myselff on the inside.

I scatter all the world to the tides they turn and they feel me like I knew that you would turn:

But then the man with the sodfull legs turned me down to see myself:


Yes I wrote this and yes I hate the world as you shallow and you fallow to hear my voice, but you just can't.........

It's easy from the outside.....................

Yes! I painted this masterful work of sodry, Hold on as we glide to the bottom of the Quarry.

Friday, October 23, 2009

New Format



Hot Drippy Wet
Hot
Hot Drippy Wet
Drippy
Hot Drippy Wet
Wet

Iconic Beauty Warmth
Iconic
Iconic Beauty Warmth
Beauty
Iconic Beauty Warmth
Warmth

I am back with a different spin on the world. A bit of a blogging sabatical.
Art is Life
Art is Death
Art is Chaos
Art is hot
Art is Drippy
Art is wet

Buffer Zone Region 1.3


333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

Buffer Zone Region 1.2


222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222

222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222

222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222

222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222

Buffer Zone Region 1


111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

Monday, October 12, 2009

The End.









This last post is for you. We sat alone along time ago and listened to this song and even then, we knew at some point one of us would remember the other by it.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


I write this last post as a farewell to you my blogging friends. Yes this will be my last post. I have spent the last 2 years of writing in a public forum as a sort of cleansing if you will. Those of you that have so graciously followed ...Thank you. You have traveled with me through this journey.....I am at peace with myself ,and to every extent with the person that put me here to begin with. Tonight I made Risotto, In full Italian style. I cooked and I felt and I drank, and I wept for that truly is what Risotto is meant to be. Emotion on a plate. The song playing is by Don Henley. It is a song I know well.

For Melinda This blog is titled foryouandonlyyouyouknowwhoyouare.... "Ya I'm learning to live without you now...but I miss you sometimes.... But the more I know the less I understand... All The things I thought I'd knew... I'm learning again.... I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter... but I think it's about forgiveness..forgiveness even if ...even if you don't love me anymore"......
Yes we change in a cycle ....of who knows what ...and in the end ....it all seems for naught....
walk this entire life so taut........... and I really thought I knew........ It was really only you ............but with all that we went through....All the penniless moments... that we cascaded through ..All the strange and vivid adventures It was only me and you..loving endless triumphs ...of just me..just me and fucking and you........
"I'm learning to live without you now...but I miss you baby.... But the more I know the less I understand... All The things I thought I'd thought I figured out.. I have to learn again.... I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... Everything changes and my friends seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness...Forgiveness...Even if..Even if you don't love me anymore."


Everything changes........... yes it changes my friends ..The heart seems to glitter....... even though you know it's gone.....I traveled a lifetime......... to be with you, and in an instant you were gone. For another I do long.............."I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness...Forgiveness...Even if..Even if you don't love me"...., Yes the old heart tugs at the new.....She knows who she is....as crazy as it seems....

Goodbye Mel, I love you now as I did then, but then again what is love anyway? A fading memory of a time gone by. I wish you luck. And Yes I think it's about forgiveness.....And Yes I do forgive you.

Even if...Even if ..You don't love me........................................................................................................................................................................

Thursday, October 8, 2009

It's Impossible

Tonight I write not for myself, but for two others that I wish you all knew. So in this as I sit here i will introduce you to my life. I have always had an adventurous spirit to a fault my family would tell you. Never fearful of the unknown. I was always a bit out of the norm. I always take comfort in knowing that my eccentricities were condoned by my beautiful mother. You see she herself was in every way quite the artist. Although she took the safe path I believe my mother held the artistic capacity that later in my life fueled my talent. You see my mother was an art teacher, it is what I have gathered , the thing she loved the most. Of her three children I really feel I take after her the most. My sisters may disagree, however there are traits in her that only I possess. You see this story tonight will be about a man coming to grips with the fact that life isn't always fair, and it shouldn't be really. Sometimes life has a way of setting itself straight no matter the cost. And the price is high I assure you. I was never really all that close to my parents as a young man. At 19 I left my family and went on a journey that they themselves will never know. Bit's here and there to console curiosity, but my life at that time was mine and mine alone. My sisters provided them with all they could handle. Marriage, college and the like. As for me I was referred to as Junior. The ever wayward Junior. Junior always had a story...He always had an adventure....Good or bad he was consistent with a story. I returned home and found a love, and that love separated him from his family. Time passed....Yes lots of time passed....


So we skip past decades of time to find us here in the present...I find myself here and for reasons I can't explain I am a grown man that has been blessed with the greatest gift a mortal can be given. I have been given a second chance. A chance to know and love the greatest individuals I will ever know. I sat and watched them this evening and my heart broke open. It wasn't what they were doing, rather it was what they weren't doing.As some of you may know my mother was afflicted wit Multiple Sclerosis in the late 80's. It has taken a horrible toll on her, and on my father. So I watch them carefully today as I have done for nearly 2 years now. And I wonder what life could have been. The horrors I experience through their struggles is unfathomable. I have learned not to speak of bad days as good days inevitably come.


My life is greatly altered and changed since I made the decision to move in and watch over them. My father makes a point weekly to let me know that merely having me here puts them at ease. Knowing that if needed I am here. I do quite a bit for them in the way of daily happenings. I don't think that most would ever understand. If my post's wreak of loneliness they do...A different kind of loneliness, because it is double edged, as a sword. On one side it is filled with laughter and content, and on the other hollow and empty. How can that be?


I will explain. I have had the honor of getting to know my parents like no other. I see them both in their good moments and bad. I hear all of their life's stories over and over. I hear my mother cry in pain, and I feel my fathers frustration. It is a cruel tandem. And yet I am privileged to experience the whole of it. A friend asked me recently why I couldn't find a companion. Funny thing is......I can, Yet can I really? I am too deep now with my parents. I cannot have a life outside of theirs...not now. How could I ever leave them? I can't, and won't. Therefore my personal life is at least for now totally entwined with theirs. My relationships are one night stands at best, and for now that has to be good enough for me. It is good enough for me. I sat with them this evening as I do Every evening, and we laughed. I relished in the deep hard laugh of my beautiful mother. When all is said and done I will feel that something out there gave me a second chance to know these two as never I had known.


For that I am thankful.

P.S This is their favorite song. It was written by Armando Manzanero, and remade by Perry Como. You may know it as "It's Impossible" This version was wonderfully re done by Adrea' Bocelli and Christina Aguillera. After all llife is impossible.........

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Exploring the Rabbit Hole once again......
































I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time, and time , and fucking time again... again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.
I lay it at your feet....
It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.
Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................
I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......
Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies beneath.....
Envy treats....
Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....
Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
"I am a bitch. How do you want me? From behind or on my knees?.... I am a slut.Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!"
Oh! and if you were wondering! yes I painted this beautifully sinfull piece today.........let's play!

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.
Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................
I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......
Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies Envy treats....
Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....
Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up...
"I am a bitch. How do you want me? From behind or on my knees?.... I am a slut.Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!"
.
I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.
Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................
I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......
Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies Envy treats....
Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....
Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up....
"I am a bitch.How do you want me? From behind or on my knees? I am a slut!.... Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!".

I'LL BE ART NOISE!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Funny thing about life:


Funny how life is such a multitude of Dualities. I love, I hate, I am having a bad day, yet in an instant something small can turn my day into something glorious.

The last month or so has really been a hard one for me no doubt. Outwardly, I have been a rock. Inside, I have been anything but.

Throughout all this time a lil visitor always seems to level me out. He is slight of build, but has the strength of
an entire nation. He is inquisitive. He loves and adores the weather. He will receive a telescope for Christmas. He is forgiving. He is understanding. He is a star unto himself. He is the coolest creature I know, and he knows it because he knows his daddy is a pretty cool cat himself. He is my legacy. I can write about him for hours. I think I will:

This upcoming Wednesday which is our day together, I will take him to the bank to set him up with his own account. My lil man is really interested and fascinated by money. Not in an adult way either which may make it a lil bad. His fascination is quite innocent. I will take him with his grandfather, and together 3 generations of Olivarez men will open an account for our newest tycoon. He will be able to follow it's growth on the internet. He told me this evening that he wants to save 200 dollars, and immediately it changed to 5000, then 100 thousand.

My pride masks all the negativity of the last week as I realize that my son doesn't understand that his mother and I were ever together to begin with. This can be good and bad , but for now it's good.

I can see him right now in my mind. I hope he see's things that I never could. I hope he see's the cure of cancer. I hope he see's world Peace. I hope He see's... It's quite pleasing to know my gene-pool will go on beyond my great grandfather, and his son, and his son, and then me. It's perplexing to think that my son may see the year 2100. It pleases me to know that he will always know me as his father, his daddy. The man that stands up for him in any circumstance he gets into.

My sacrifices are for him, and only him. He pleases me in every way. To my dear son John Camron I leave this electronic fingerprint for all the world to know that I love you so.

See you tomorrow my angel! Know that your daddy is never far away.


I took the above photo in downtown San Antonio. I loved its fortitude, like that of my lil man!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Independance Day................


Now I know what you all must be thinking? Coby listens to Country Music?????......Actually I don't, however, I am a lover of music. So this song seems quite fitting today. Oh....and yes I do like it . I always have. Martina Mcbride has such a beautiful voice. Don't ask me if I know her extensive catalogue....I don't....but I do love this 1 song.

Today was a day like any other in my life. I woke up, I showered, I ate breakfast. Not unlike any other day I suppose, but today was a little different. I had my son yesterday so today I woke up and took him to school. He as you all know lives with his mom, and they live about an hours drive from me. Funny thing is we all live in San Antonio. It's actually that big! So here he and I are on the long drive to school. He told me that his mommy was going to be going to court today. Of course I already knew because.... I too would be in court this day...This dreary miserable, drizzling cold day. I made the split decision to tell him why. I am his father after all. You see......I don't recall ever stating this here before but here goes.....

His mother and I have been seperated for 5 years now. Why we never formally divorced has been a question of great speculation all these years. Some said a love like ours could never be broken. Some said we didn't have the time or money. Some said we were just plain stupid.....Some said.....

When I got home I had but one thing on my mind. I have to look dashing! Why this was a concern to me is anyones guess. Maybe it was some sick romantic notion that I felt if I looked great it wouldn't happen. I sat in a dark courtroom, and it wasn't anything like I had envisioned. For some odd reason I thought the end of a union filled with romance would somehow be romantic. The only thing romantic about it was my long walk through downtown San Antonio in the rain after it was done.

In the end 18 and one quarter years of history together were wiped clean in a matter of minutes. The wait was 20 times as long as the act itself. I looked good, and it did not matter. I shared this experience with one friend,... and only one friend as it was happening. Other than a last minute notice to my parents, I had not told a single soul.

As I write this....It will be my sisters' first notification of this event. I kept it completely to myself. I feel good in many ways that my long ordeal is finaly legally over. I feel that it may take some time for me to digest the whole of it. I walked out of that courtroom as I came in.....

Alone.

My now ex- Mother in Law called me shorltly afterwards and told me that no matter what I would always be her Son in Law. She told me how much she loved and cared for me. I thought that was quite nice in a weird way.

I walked around downtown, and snapped alot of pictures. The one on here today was one of them. In the foreground just peaking into the shot is a beautiful lone building called the Tower life building. It stands alone amidst others. It is different as am I. So today really was a romantic day in a way. It's the day I gave my heart away.......

Friday, September 11, 2009

09.11.01


I painted this canvas in the fall of 2005. One of my best friends in the world Adrian has it. It is titled "09.11.01". When I painted it I wanted to convey a fogginess...A haze. The photo is not out of focus. The painting itself is out of focus, just like we as nation were out of focus, and left with the horrible aftermath of a world tragedy. I had been to the Towers many times in my life. They were the shining symbols progress, and Metropolitan Life. To me, they represented the city itself. They truly were the fingerprints of the worlds greatest city.

All the while in Gotham-esque awe I never once thought about the human beings that worked inside them. My many visits to Windows on the World, The restaurant on the 106th and 107th floor of Tower 1 were filled with memories of utter joy. Never once had I taken the opportunity to notice the People there. How I wish I had.

I painted the Towers red to symbolize many things. Fire, Rage, Fear, Angst. Across it I scrawled the words "Lest we Forget".

I lost a very close friend to the tragedy of 9-11. His name was Wallace Allen. He was a great man in many ways. He was so proud to have been able to say that he worked in the Towers at the World Trade Center. It had in many ways become his calling card. If you asked him where he worked he would quickly tell you. Tha Towas. No I didn't misspell that, That's the way he said it as his New York accent was always present. I met him ironically in San Antonio Texas in the mid 90's. He was here on a contract job with the phone company. It was that profession that led him to his fate. He worked for Atlantic Bell, which had a contract with Northern Telecom. He was in Tower # 1 on September 11 2001 when it fell. I didn't find out about his fate for 3 months.

Today of course is the Eigth anniversary of that fateful day. Barely any coverage anymore. Hardly a whisper.......I plan to do a very controversial piece of artwork soon. With all of your help I can do it. I have researched, and nothing like it exists. I see it in my mind. It is an image. I plan to do it and it will be noticed because of it's sheer Factor of terror. It will be frightening. It will hit a nerve. Will you all help me? I am hoping you will.

Lest We Forget.......................