Legacy

The scene is set. In 2 days the anniversary of the most precious entity to ever enter my crazy life comes to pass. My son, whose name is John Camron was born. As a father I sometimes feel I failed him. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe I was self consumed. I worked harder than ever I knew. I worked to keep what was mine, and I had a plenty. I had it all, I had a huge home, 3 luxury cars, a beautiful wife, a beautiful son. So I worked.... and I worked....... and I earned. If I was in the mafia they would have vouched "ya that Coby's a good earner".

Something was missing and as I have stated before here I lost it. To another who undoubtedly appreciates it far less than ever I would. So here I am left with memories that tug and pull. On the upcoming 8th anniversary of my son's birth I sit and reflect as I do often. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. I sat with my wife in front of a compassionate oncologist, you see I don't think i have stated this here before, but I had cancer, and a very bad one at that. I was 31 years old. I was only married 2 years. We sat there and were told I had six months to live, and they didn't say live they said to "get my affairs in order" Literally they told me this. You see I had a very rare form of cancer called Leiomyosarcoma. Life expectancy of less than a year from discovery.

Words like "no cure", "Palliative therapy", "Comfort", "Investigational reasearch" MD Anderson, Memorial Sloane Kettering. Those words are and were real for me. The whole time this occurred is a bit of a blur in my life that seems like it was not real at all. I don't ever speak of it really, not even to those that love me. It is something that is personal, but I died many years ago at least in theory. Because when a doctor writes you off you really feel it is over. My father the rock of the family, had driven me in tears. from a fateful talk with Rohit Kapoor a well known oncologist/hemotologist.I had never seen my father cry. That doctor actually cried in front of my father and I, and assured us he would fight this death sentance, with all of his education and his knowledge. I am thinking I am dead. My wife was alone and shattered, and yet she never ran, she stayed. So no later indiscretion could ever outweigh that in my mind. She was only 25 years old, a soon to be widow. yet she stayed I reacall a memory I never speak of. One, of my sisters, Patti and Kathy, my beautiful sisters. You see we were the three inseperable souls, always together in tandem, always the three in succesion. We three sat in my Mother and Fathers front yard. IRemember the sun was out, it was bright. I felt numb, and yet I caught their eyes. I remember feeling each blade of grass touch me. They told me how much they loved me. they told me how much they would miss my laugh, my candor and my spirit, how I would always be with them. My sister Kathy is a Clinical Research Nurse. I asked her to make me a promise. It is a debt that I could never repay her for. I asked her to not allow me to suffer. I asked her to allow me to pass with dignity. you see I had researched my fate. I didn't want to waste away. She promised me she would take care of me. So my story continues..... I managed to bear 4 chemicals of chemo, I know them well. Adriomycin, Doxirubicin, Ifosfimide, and mesna. Curious how I remember that cocktail. Actually It was called the "Red Devil" I was isolated during infusion that was only increasing my life expectancy by 5 % , you see My life expectancy to 1 year was 15%. My cancer ratio was 1 in 44,000,000 yes that's 1 in 44 million to contract leiomyosarcoma. so if I survived past 1 year my odds were 1 in 6,600 cases. In any given year in the U.S. there are only 120 cases discovered. Impossible odds. My oncologist was an expert in sarcoma's and she had treated 7 sarcomatoid patients in 24 years. I was dead.

Well, long story short I suffered a full year of chemo of the worst kind. I beat unthinkable odds, astronomical odds, unfathomable odds. When I agreed for an extra 5% chance to live my trade off was sterility. 6 months after the go ahead to conceive we conceived. My son was a miracle. He was not supposed to be possible and yet he is here. I asked my ex wife later if he was mine, not out of spite, simply faced with facts and numbers, percentages that were unimaginable. She of course was outraged as I assumed she would be, but she swore her indiscretion was a first.

I don't ever need to ask that question again in my life. So here I am, alone with my thoughts and all I see is him. My angel, my life, my anchor. Divorce is ugly and it tears down, so what can i give him? I have given him all that I am. A different perspective, you see my Autistic son is more creative than ever I could wish to be. The Image above, if you have made it this far was done by my son when he was 4 years old. When I asked it's name he said only "Cocho". I could leave him nothing better in his life than the kaleidoscope eyes of his Father. I do love him so........more than anything in the world. Happy birthday son........Love daddy

Ok this is me.....Huh?

OK. So my sister calls me today and asks me if I am depressed. I answer, huh? Her reply? "It seems like you might be, considering what you post on your blog". My answer? Huh? The photo to the left was taken by me. I thought it was fun and interesting. The very long hairlike strands that are very thin and to the rear of me are actually an artificial plant. Everyone that See's it asks if I really had a mullet. My answer? Huh?

I can assure all of you out there in blog-land that I am not depressed. Huh? Sometimes I get a lil down, but I don't we all? My typical day is consumed by business, and as of the recent months helping care for my mom. It doesn't leave much time for anything else. Obviously through my post's it has affected my personal relationships with others. I can live with that. I am carrying a lot of emotional baggage right now, and it's a bit much for some. Some are ok with my baggage, which happens to be a signature series by the Warhol Foundation. Huh? I have a really weird, and funny side to me. Most people never get to experience that side. My sister does. As you can tell I have changed the music here to reflect that quirky side. I am drinking a nice glass of wine, and tapping my shoes. I consider myself an Artist, whether I am or not is irrelevant. I am curious, different, confident, passionate, quirky, and funny. I am not depressed. Huh?

You see, before I started this blog I wrote quite a bit. I love writing poetry. My blog page took over the physical writing. Sometimes I forget that this is public. It however will not stop me from being genuine here. I love my sis and I hope she is over reacting. I love my adult beverages as they enhance my creative being. I am not an alcoholic. Huh? All the women that do not embrace or appreciate my warhol baggage for some odd reason continue to be great friends with me. Telling me things like "I just adore ya too much to get involved". Huh? Then I say what the....? Huh? I do have a nutty side, a side that likes to dance to techno, and eat pretzels with jelly. I have scrolled down and re-read some of my previous posts. Shit! I am depressed! Huh? lol. Welcome to the spaced out world of a completly bizarre yet subtley mild individual!

Hope

Sometimes I think I think too much. I sit, I think, I move, I think. A friend reminded me today that maybe I just think too much. Think about things way too much. Why over complicate things? There is so much out there to do, So much to see, and experience. Sometimes things just jump out at you. So what if you don't get everything you seek. Be yourself, be happy. Being genuine is golden. Something caught my attention today. as weird as I am it could have been a drop of water on a leaf. All I can say is it caught my attention. I am not the type to take the first step. I am going to change that. Out with the old in with the new.

I took this photo, and at the time I felt it was a good reflection of a happier time. I really guess photography is art isn't it?

Meltdown

So I sit, So hastily I tilt the glass to the winners in life.
Begrudging them, Those of you that trounce, with glee.

Those of you that refuse , refuse to see. Inside the cracks inside deep.
Dare you not to take that majestic journey into your own soul. To stare it in the face.

The ultimate mirror to either accept or deny. There I sit watching, dreaming, wanting.
The reflections of life's conquests that will never be.

Tattered and beaten my angry soul cries. Truth not known tugs it pulls, only to die.

So the lonely note persists. The only one I know. The ugly stench of failure. The safety of the unknown.

White-wash and cover, is the defense I find, and seek. The old taste of life's failures make my life seem bleak.

Oh so grey and monotone my life has become. I walk and observe, and I see love in the world with envious eyes that pierce the lucky with spiteful anger. You see I never have known true peace, true harmony, only jealous respite.

For myself and those like me, we know only one way. The hollowness that begs to be filled. So we fill it up and we drink it down with words like hope.

But you see hope is dead to me in all its forms. My mind creates pallets of color that I can only imagine. Pain is my friend and steady as she goes the pain never seems to let me down. The world however is a much different place. A place that is scary, and foreboding. My pain is real at least for now. It sticks and stabs at the soft tissue down below.

So softly I hear a piano's moan. It moans for me and only me.
One day I will be free, free from this prison that my own brilliant mind has created. For my own brilliance imprisons me.

If only.........If only.

As the time draws near..........

The music you are currently listening to is beginning to seep inside. I am about to begin another series of projects for an upcoming opening planned for the First Friday in September. San Antonio Texas has a monthly event in The Arts district Called 1st Friday. Patrons of the arts of all types gather and view crafts, listen to musicians, and at the core of it all are the Exhibits in roughly 16 galleries grouped very close to one another. My new series will be highlighted in one of these galleries named Loft 120.

So the preparation of my soul begins. Included in roughly 20 paintings that are as of yet undone will be 2 works that will never see the gallery walls. I will ship them to their prospective owners upon completion. I intend to chronicle through photos and video the insane process I go through to create . It will be painful at times to view or gaze upon. I am getting into a terribly risky mindset, but it is a mindset that I must enter to truly do that which I do. I want unabashed honesty and pure emotion to flow through my hands. Music, and to be specific Nine Inch Nails has always been the conduit to my inner sanctum. Only 1 other person has ever known what lies beneath the surface. I hope now there will be another.

I recently met a professional photographer whose work is absolutely amazing. She is a true Artist in every sense of the word. She captivates me with every word that exits her mouth. Utterly interesting in every facet. She is beautiful, she is published nationally, yet it's her inner beauty that I find affinity with. She and I are completely similar. I have asked her to assist me in my current project, and she accepted. Our collaboration may rise birth to something incredible. Something that breakthroughs are made of. I am happy to share this with all of you. Stay tuned..................................

Prototype

So I am in the process of creating a few pieces for a few friends. Here is a prototype of a canvas I am doing for a wonderful acquaintance. I hope I do her justice. In it's final stage it should be quite large I expect. Creating this mock up brought quite a bit of joy to me. I believe it captures a certain spirit of happiness. So far I am quite pleased. I am sure it will morph a bit before I cement it into its completeness. I will stay along this general path. I usually do not do anything so painstaking. As most of you have witnessed here I work very fast. This piece has me being quite careful and meticulous. I am enjoying it in its entirety. The subject matter is quite beautiful. I am working from a rather small digital image, so its very interesting to interpret it in my own way. I hope it meets the approval of the subject.

A Month of Purging

This piece is entitled "Honesty" It is a furious piece. It just might the best I have ever done. Definitely a rage piece. I remember the night I created it like it was yesterday. I had an opening to prepare for, and I had the arduous task of completing 25 pieces in 30 days. I accomplished the goal. What came out of that month was like soul vomit. I spoke to a friend today and she made the comment " Talk about pressure!" It may seem strange but in that month my studio looked like a homicide scene straight out of the movies. I drank more alcohol then I think I ever have in my life.

It was a purging month. It was a dark month. I revelled in the solitude that my canvases provided me. They were my lovers, my friends, my life. I wish I could rewind and stay in that mode forever. In that mindset there was no guilt. The guilt and self punishment came out like an oil-strike. I became a being that I always desired to be. I was an artist. A pained one at that.

I felt what the likes of Van Gough felt. I always thought about what the greats must have felt as they created masterpieces. I am no master but I think I had the same form of gratitude when it was all said and done. Hanging that first piece is a feeling I will never in my life forget. It was better than any sex I have had in my life. It was better than the best meal I have ever eaten. Most of the people at my 1st opening didn't even know I was the artist. Not for at least an hour. What a beautiful anonymous hour that was. I sat with a glass of wine or maybe three, and I watched them. I watched them mingle and whisper, and contemplate.

Then the strangest thing happened. My promoter Kelly came over to me and handed me a sold placard. Then it began, one after another the placards started to be placed. I remember feeling both happy and sad. Happy that I made some money, but very sad indeed. A huge part of my soul would be leaving that space without me attached. One by one they came down, and I remember feeling bad as I saw them wrapped. I remember hoping that the new owners would love them as much as I did. I still wonder about that. It's nice to know that a piece of me will live on forever if taken care of properly. I hope my legacy is one of perseverance, and strength. I can't wait to get my canvases in. I can't wait to get that feeling that only a birth mother knows. I can't wait to bear my soul once again. It's coming soon. And I can't wait!

Playing around!

I was just playing around with some simple Ideas and thinking of a wonderful friend of mine that I just adore "D", and out popped this lil number. She may never truly know how I feel about her. Maybe thats best. I rather like it a lot. Tell me what you think?

Let me know what emotions it brings to mind.

Girl In A Coma!

You will have by now noticed that I changed the music on my page. All the songs here are performed by a local San Antonio trio of young women Named Girl In A Coma. I have seen them in dive locations more times than I can remember. They were signed by Joan Jett's record label, Blackheart records. They have been touring the US and Europe for some time now. I have drank Lone Star beer with these wonderful gals, and can tell you that they are coming home on August the 2nd and I cant wait! They are destined for greatness. They are fresh, raw, and real!

So, blogger's? who is your favorite up and coming band?

From time to time here on my little blog I jump away from pictures of sexy women and canvases. Today I was looking through my archive of Show invites, and ran across this one. Kettle Art is a beautiful gallery in Dallas TX. I have seen many exhibits there.

The Image made me think of my horrific experience at the pump today. $63.00 to fill my tank! My god was I pissed! How the hell did we as a country allow this to happen? I have friends that literally cannot afford to drive to work daily. San Antonio Texas is a large city geographically. Usual round trips to and from major work centers are 65 to 80 miles.

I am lucky that I live pretty close to the community that I sell homes in.

Senator Phil Graham had the audacity to suggest that we were in a mental recession? What a pompous fool! He probably hasn't been to a gas station in 40 years. I tell you what, America needs to wake up and smell the coffee. John McCain will send this country further down the downward spiral!

What is the general consensus out there on the present gas situation? Let it all hang out!

Lindi

A small example of a two year old piece that I am proud of. I wish I was a better technical artist unfortunately I am not. No real explanation here except an incredibly beautiful subject! This was a very interesting sitting.

Yellow Part 2

I have uploaded the song Yellow to my page. This lil tyke embodies that song for me. The words so perfectly describe my love for him as though I sing them myself. I hope you enjoy!

Yellow

Hello again bloogers. Once again it is shameless self promotion time! lol, but seriously how many photo's can one guy have that include beautiful women and canvas?
The above mentioned painting is titled "Yellow" Although the picture doesn't show it very well the hue of the paint is Gold Patina. It was extremely difficult to work with. You may have noticed the name CAMRON in the center. That happens to be my son's name. I
love him dearly, and wanted to do a piece for him. Why not name it Camron? Well the word yellow is painted just below the yellow amoeba looking thingy in the center. Why yellow? My sons favorite song when he was about 3, the last year I spent together in my home with my son, was a song titled "yellow" by Coldplay. He would stand and watch the video and just dance to it. It is a beautiful memory I have of a family life lost. I decided to immortalize it on canvas. I hope I did my Lil man justice!

Happy Independence Day

A Beautiful Rendition of our Flag By Jasper Johns

May you all have a wonderful Holiday!

Hey theres a painting behind me!!

Hello out there in blog land. Man has there been allot of stuff happening in the world lately or what? The picture to the left was taken just yesterday. I am posting it because I am proud to say that I am losing weight by the pounds! Getting back to a better diet has really been a rough thing to do. I have managed to keep up the regimen.



My sister teases me to no end about how my weight fluctuates. For the last 2 months I have been eating healthier and more often believe it or not! I have found that if I buy a subway Italian sub at 10 am (foot long) and have it sliced 6 ways I can eat it all day long stay content and my weight is increasing as my inches are decreasing. I exercise daily now. Not Hulk Hogan exercise but push ups and sit ups.


What works for everyone else?