Blubber

Oh how I love this time of year! Halloween has always been the best time of the year for me and this year was no different. I have a strange ritual of sorts that I do year in year out. I read the book Blubber by Judy Blume. Yes I know what your thinking ladies Judy helped you through your comming of age with "Are you there god it's me Margaret". To me Blubber represented life as a fifth grader like no other. Every year at Halloween I read it because the book was set at that time. I have gotten it down to a science. I can read the entire book in 2 hours flat! I know I said that I was done here on blogger and in a way I am because I wanted to drift away from the past and look towards the future! The future is bright here. I have my passion which of course is painting, and my family and a silent observer that if I could marry today I would, but thats for another day.

Halloween is so damn sexy don't ya think? It has evolved into this naughty little holiday that is bigger than christmas by the way. It has become our night to be naughty. Trouble is as my favorite band in the world (MINISTRY) or should I say Al Jourgensen founder of Ministry wrote so many years ago....."for me everyday is Halloween"!

Hope all my blogger friends Halloween was tops!

Ciao for now!

Poem about a toilet

Yes I love this because....
I am an insane piece of shit...
and you brought me down...


But the fact is is that I see a vision of what and I never really had:
Because of you I feel I can feel myself:
then again I see the things that bring you the presipice of where I knew I've been:

Ohh I can see myself:
Has nothing to do with the you and the me, Although the plans you had I can hardly see:

You see Everything turns outside from the inside:

I see red and then I dont know what I have found...

Ya know I cleanse myself on the OUTSIDe
Yes I cleanse myselff on the inside.

I scatter all the world to the tides they turn and they feel me like I knew that you would turn:

But then the man with the sodfull legs turned me down to see myself:


Yes I wrote this and yes I hate the world as you shallow and you fallow to hear my voice, but you just can't.........

It's easy from the outside.....................

Yes! I painted this masterful work of sodry, Hold on as we glide to the bottom of the Quarry.

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I am back with a different spin on the world. A bit of a blogging sabatical.
Art is Life
Art is Death
Art is Chaos
Art is hot
Art is Drippy
Art is wet

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The End.

This last post is for you. We sat alone along time ago and listened to this song and even then, we knew at some point one of us would remember the other by it.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


I write this last post as a farewell to you my blogging friends. Yes this will be my last post. I have spent the last 2 years of writing in a public forum as a sort of cleansing if you will. Those of you that have so graciously followed ...Thank you. You have traveled with me through this journey.....I am at peace with myself ,and to every extent with the person that put me here to begin with. Tonight I made Risotto, In full Italian style. I cooked and I felt and I drank, and I wept for that truly is what Risotto is meant to be. Emotion on a plate. The song playing is by Don Henley. It is a song I know well.

For Melinda This blog is titled foryouandonlyyouyouknowwhoyouare.... "Ya I'm learning to live without you now...but I miss you sometimes.... But the more I know the less I understand... All The things I thought I'd knew... I'm learning again.... I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter... but I think it's about forgiveness..forgiveness even if ...even if you don't love me anymore"......
Yes we change in a cycle ....of who knows what ...and in the end ....it all seems for naught....
walk this entire life so taut........... and I really thought I knew........ It was really only you ............but with all that we went through....All the penniless moments... that we cascaded through ..All the strange and vivid adventures It was only me and you..loving endless triumphs ...of just me..just me and fucking and you........
"I'm learning to live without you now...but I miss you baby.... But the more I know the less I understand... All The things I thought I'd thought I figured out.. I have to learn again.... I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... Everything changes and my friends seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness...Forgiveness...Even if..Even if you don't love me anymore."


Everything changes........... yes it changes my friends ..The heart seems to glitter....... even though you know it's gone.....I traveled a lifetime......... to be with you, and in an instant you were gone. For another I do long.............."I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness...Forgiveness...Even if..Even if you don't love me"...., Yes the old heart tugs at the new.....She knows who she is....as crazy as it seems....

Goodbye Mel, I love you now as I did then, but then again what is love anyway? A fading memory of a time gone by. I wish you luck. And Yes I think it's about forgiveness.....And Yes I do forgive you.

Even if...Even if ..You don't love me........................................................................................................................................................................

It's Impossible

Tonight I write not for myself, but for two others that I wish you all knew. So in this as I sit here i will introduce you to my life. I have always had an adventurous spirit to a fault my family would tell you. Never fearful of the unknown. I was always a bit out of the norm. I always take comfort in knowing that my eccentricities were condoned by my beautiful mother. You see she herself was in every way quite the artist. Although she took the safe path I believe my mother held the artistic capacity that later in my life fueled my talent. You see my mother was an art teacher, it is what I have gathered , the thing she loved the most. Of her three children I really feel I take after her the most. My sisters may disagree, however there are traits in her that only I possess. You see this story tonight will be about a man coming to grips with the fact that life isn't always fair, and it shouldn't be really. Sometimes life has a way of setting itself straight no matter the cost. And the price is high I assure you. I was never really all that close to my parents as a young man. At 19 I left my family and went on a journey that they themselves will never know. Bit's here and there to console curiosity, but my life at that time was mine and mine alone. My sisters provided them with all they could handle. Marriage, college and the like. As for me I was referred to as Junior. The ever wayward Junior. Junior always had a story...He always had an adventure....Good or bad he was consistent with a story. I returned home and found a love, and that love separated him from his family. Time passed....Yes lots of time passed....

So we skip past decades of time to find us here in the present...I find myself here and for reasons I can't explain I am a grown man that has been blessed with the greatest gift a mortal can be given. I have been given a second chance. A chance to know and love the greatest individuals I will ever know. I sat and watched them this evening and my heart broke open. It wasn't what they were doing, rather it was what they weren't doing.As some of you may know my mother was afflicted wit Multiple Sclerosis in the late 80's. It has taken a horrible toll on her, and on my father. So I watch them carefully today as I have done for nearly 2 years now. And I wonder what life could have been. The horrors I experience through their struggles is unfathomable. I have learned not to speak of bad days as good days inevitably come.

My life is greatly altered and changed since I made the decision to move in and watch over them. My father makes a point weekly to let me know that merely having me here puts them at ease. Knowing that if needed I am here. I do quite a bit for them in the way of daily happenings. I don't think that most would ever understand. If my post's wreak of loneliness they do...A different kind of loneliness, because it is double edged, as a sword. On one side it is filled with laughter and content, and on the other hollow and empty. How can that be?

I will explain. I have had the honor of getting to know my parents like no other. I see them both in their good moments and bad. I hear all of their life's stories over and over. I hear my mother cry in pain, and I feel my fathers frustration. It is a cruel tandem. And yet I am privileged to experience the whole of it. A friend asked me recently why I couldn't find a companion. Funny thing is......I can, Yet can I really? I am too deep now with my parents. I cannot have a life outside of theirs...not now. How could I ever leave them? I can't, and won't. Therefore my personal life is at least for now totally entwined with theirs. My relationships are one night stands at best, and for now that has to be good enough for me. It is good enough for me. I sat with them this evening as I do Every evening, and we laughed. I relished in the deep hard laugh of my beautiful mother. When all is said and done I will feel that something out there gave me a second chance to know these two as never I had known.

For that I am thankful.

P.S This is their favorite song. It was written by Armando Manzanero, and remade by Perry Como. You may know it as "It's Impossible" This version was wonderfully re done by Adrea' Bocelli and Christina Aguillera. After all llife is impossible.........

Exploring the Rabbit Hole once again......

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time, and time , and fucking time again... again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.

Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................

I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......

Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies beneath.....

Envy treats....

Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....

Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"I am a bitch. How do you want me? From behind or on my knees?.... I am a slut.Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!"

Oh! and if you were wondering! yes I painted this beautifully sinfull piece today.........let's play!

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.
Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................
I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......
Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies Envy treats....
Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....
Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up...

"I am a bitch. How do you want me? From behind or on my knees?.... I am a slut.Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!"

.

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.
Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................
I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......
Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies Envy treats....
Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....
Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up....

"I am a bitch.How do you want me? From behind or on my knees? I am a slut!.... Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!".

I'LL BE ART NOISE!

Funny thing about life:

Funny how life is such a multitude of Dualities. I love, I hate, I am having a bad day, yet in an instant something small can turn my day into something glorious.

The last month or so has really been a hard one for me no doubt. Outwardly, I have been a rock. Inside, I have been anything but.

Throughout all this time a lil visitor always seems to level me out. He is slight of build, but has the strength of
an entire nation. He is inquisitive. He loves and adores the weather. He will receive a telescope for Christmas. He is forgiving. He is understanding. He is a star unto himself. He is the coolest creature I know, and he knows it because he knows his daddy is a pretty cool cat himself. He is my legacy. I can write about him for hours. I think I will:

This upcoming Wednesday which is our day together, I will take him to the bank to set him up with his own account. My lil man is really interested and fascinated by money. Not in an adult way either which may make it a lil bad. His fascination is quite innocent. I will take him with his grandfather, and together 3 generations of Olivarez men will open an account for our newest tycoon. He will be able to follow it's growth on the internet. He told me this evening that he wants to save 200 dollars, and immediately it changed to 5000, then 100 thousand.

My pride masks all the negativity of the last week as I realize that my son doesn't understand that his mother and I were ever together to begin with. This can be good and bad , but for now it's good.

I can see him right now in my mind. I hope he see's things that I never could. I hope he see's the cure of cancer. I hope he see's world Peace. I hope He see's... It's quite pleasing to know my gene-pool will go on beyond my great grandfather, and his son, and his son, and then me. It's perplexing to think that my son may see the year 2100. It pleases me to know that he will always know me as his father, his daddy. The man that stands up for him in any circumstance he gets into.

My sacrifices are for him, and only him. He pleases me in every way. To my dear son John Camron I leave this electronic fingerprint for all the world to know that I love you so.

See you tomorrow my angel! Know that your daddy is never far away.


I took the above photo in downtown San Antonio. I loved its fortitude, like that of my lil man!

Independance Day................

Now I know what you all must be thinking? Coby listens to Country Music?????......Actually I don't, however, I am a lover of music. So this song seems quite fitting today. Oh....and yes I do like it . I always have. Martina Mcbride has such a beautiful voice. Don't ask me if I know her extensive catalogue....I don't....but I do love this 1 song.

Today was a day like any other in my life. I woke up, I showered, I ate breakfast. Not unlike any other day I suppose, but today was a little different. I had my son yesterday so today I woke up and took him to school. He as you all know lives with his mom, and they live about an hours drive from me. Funny thing is we all live in San Antonio. It's actually that big! So here he and I are on the long drive to school. He told me that his mommy was going to be going to court today. Of course I already knew because.... I too would be in court this day...This dreary miserable, drizzling cold day. I made the split decision to tell him why. I am his father after all. You see......I don't recall ever stating this here before but here goes.....

His mother and I have been seperated for 5 years now. Why we never formally divorced has been a question of great speculation all these years. Some said a love like ours could never be broken. Some said we didn't have the time or money. Some said we were just plain stupid.....Some said.....

When I got home I had but one thing on my mind. I have to look dashing! Why this was a concern to me is anyones guess. Maybe it was some sick romantic notion that I felt if I looked great it wouldn't happen. I sat in a dark courtroom, and it wasn't anything like I had envisioned. For some odd reason I thought the end of a union filled with romance would somehow be romantic. The only thing romantic about it was my long walk through downtown San Antonio in the rain after it was done.

In the end 18 and one quarter years of history together were wiped clean in a matter of minutes. The wait was 20 times as long as the act itself. I looked good, and it did not matter. I shared this experience with one friend,... and only one friend as it was happening. Other than a last minute notice to my parents, I had not told a single soul.

As I write this....It will be my sisters' first notification of this event. I kept it completely to myself. I feel good in many ways that my long ordeal is finaly legally over. I feel that it may take some time for me to digest the whole of it. I walked out of that courtroom as I came in.....

Alone.

My now ex- Mother in Law called me shorltly afterwards and told me that no matter what I would always be her Son in Law. She told me how much she loved and cared for me. I thought that was quite nice in a weird way.

I walked around downtown, and snapped alot of pictures. The one on here today was one of them. In the foreground just peaking into the shot is a beautiful lone building called the Tower life building. It stands alone amidst others. It is different as am I. So today really was a romantic day in a way. It's the day I gave my heart away.......

09.11.01

I painted this canvas in the fall of 2005. One of my best friends in the world Adrian has it. It is titled "09.11.01". When I painted it I wanted to convey a fogginess...A haze. The photo is not out of focus. The painting itself is out of focus, just like we as nation were out of focus, and left with the horrible aftermath of a world tragedy. I had been to the Towers many times in my life. They were the shining symbols progress, and Metropolitan Life. To me, they represented the city itself. They truly were the fingerprints of the worlds greatest city.

All the while in Gotham-esque awe I never once thought about the human beings that worked inside them. My many visits to Windows on the World, The restaurant on the 106th and 107th floor of Tower 1 were filled with memories of utter joy. Never once had I taken the opportunity to notice the People there. How I wish I had.

I painted the Towers red to symbolize many things. Fire, Rage, Fear, Angst. Across it I scrawled the words "Lest we Forget".

I lost a very close friend to the tragedy of 9-11. His name was Wallace Allen. He was a great man in many ways. He was so proud to have been able to say that he worked in the Towers at the World Trade Center. It had in many ways become his calling card. If you asked him where he worked he would quickly tell you. Tha Towas. No I didn't misspell that, That's the way he said it as his New York accent was always present. I met him ironically in San Antonio Texas in the mid 90's. He was here on a contract job with the phone company. It was that profession that led him to his fate. He worked for Atlantic Bell, which had a contract with Northern Telecom. He was in Tower # 1 on September 11 2001 when it fell. I didn't find out about his fate for 3 months.

Today of course is the Eigth anniversary of that fateful day. Barely any coverage anymore. Hardly a whisper.......I plan to do a very controversial piece of artwork soon. With all of your help I can do it. I have researched, and nothing like it exists. I see it in my mind. It is an image. I plan to do it and it will be noticed because of it's sheer Factor of terror. It will be frightening. It will hit a nerve. Will you all help me? I am hoping you will.

Lest We Forget.......................

Rain!

I love the rain, It comes along so infrequently. It washes all the dirt away.....

It rained hard and steady this morning for at least 2 hours. I woke up quite early this morning to the sound of thunder. It was blissful! The weather has been flirting with us down here for a few days now. Mother Earth finally opened her arms and let it rain!

Clean?

Man my soul needs cleansing...It needs it so very badly...I have spent oceans of time contemplating mistakes and non observances.....It's time to heal, and yet I can't, for some unknown reason do it. I don't want to let go, and I know I should, If only I could....Everyone around me tells me your spectacular, your the best!, and yet I feel that no I am not the best.....I am not even second best.... Maybe third best is ok, but I don't want to be third best. I live in a fantasy-land of the past...I reflect and look back, and I can see myself smile....I haven't smiled in such a long time... I want to smile again...I love the band Filter, the music takes back to a better time, a time when I was at peace, and I love peace...I need peace....I beg for peace in this fucked up life that doesn't stop or hope to stop for me.....I want peace.....

She can give me peace...she could..... If only she knew....I sit I type I reflect and I feel sadness, always...Little ray's of sunlight come along, and then, inevitably the darkness comes....I feel like a fool that will never learn the error of his ways......Never learn or will I? No I will never learn...It is my destiny to stay stupified in my own melancholy world of shit....It's where I feel the most safe....Safety in gloom is far better than reality is it not? No, it isn't, and yet I tread the waters of life without a course.....Souless at best... If only for a moment, if only she could see, feel and touch as I do... If only...... I pour my heart and soul out here, and all I really hope for is that one chance...That miniscule chance that she would find me.....I know she won't...And If she did, she wouldn't see my words as I do.......Only I can see the real me...and in that she is me............

Song of the Irish

I sit before my keyboard, and I have emotions for you, for me, for all of us...An era has come to pass....A Man's life stands before us this evening, and we, or I should clarify I, feel his life was worth mine. Senator Edward M. Kennedy...I was named after his brother Jack...I was called Jackie when I was young enough not to remember, although the fabric of the Kennedy's was ingrained in me from a very young age. They were fighters they fought for us when we didn't know what fighting was. I can honestly sit before you tonight and glince at the trials that this family have fought for you and I as though we were their own. The last of a brotherhood of empathy have exited our world, and I pray that their fight will continue....Sail softly mariner for the whole world will resound your accomplishments this evening......Sail into the salts sweat as only a mariner can understand. The sea holds a man's fare as no other can behold! Sail into the unknown as any sailor would with courage!..........Looking into dark clouds and always know that a nation that saw, and understood that you, my friend protected us as men....Without reservation of class, or upbringing...Teddy you fought the hard fight. I admire and wish to follow in your hearty mariners spirit........God Bless you my brother! Rest in peace Teddy....Sail away!

The Begining of the end......

In control.....yes I am in control...or am I? Yes I am... I am in a mood I want to move, and go I shall... I am on the move.... The picture here was shot by me and,I am in complete control of what I do not know, and that's a good thing...I want to branch out..........I need a change of scenery...I need to move to where I have no Idea, but a go is a must........Circa 2005 I sit in a beautifully furnished and ravishingly accommodated Town Home here in good ole Sa Texas., No one here loves hardwood floors like me, why is that?

So yes my place was the place to be .....Ya right...But yes it was...Art decked the walls with balls of holly and Santa was scared......Strewn with all the world had to offer and life was good or so I thought.......In and out they came and they fed.....They bled upon the alter of decadence.....And we danced we played hard like we were....I painted like a furious hound back then...I painted for the masses.....They watched , They stared, they glared....I was king, I was god...I was the ultimate plaything for those with money and influence here... here we are and where are they? Oh no they are long gone and I am a hellion with a purpose now. I hate what we were and what they think they still are................A bullshit community of feeders...........And here I am....Angry and ready to feed the world my menu of shit!......For too many years I have held back and now is the time to rise....Be the Artist I AM! I AM! Not for words ,but these hands that have never failed me....You have never failed me.....Don't fail me now.....They look like yours,but they are angry and mad at the world and they have a way of digging in.......Don't fail me now.......Fuck Bernie Madoff....Stinking thief! Hands don't fail me now......I will paint and sell I will if it kills me I will sell......Many have succeeded before me and I will Succeed now.....Bow down before me world as My voice means something.....I am destined to be something to behold.............................................................in the end I want, I feel, and I dream.....and alas It was all a dream! Or was it?

Reptile

So softly I tap the keys on my imaginary keyboard....Off to a fantasy world filled with Applause at the triumphs of a king...... My court is filled and the bell has rung.....It's final chord so softly my bell tolls for a crowd unaware of the fanfare and tribute it has for it's guest of honor.....You...The final swan song ...Thus is life........What I want is what I need and inspiration is the key...And yes you have inspired me to be who I am at any cost, And the price is high. I aboard my magical fantasy piano do stroke, as my fingers never knew...Never knew they could....Yes the soft depressing song they hummmmmmm...Yes they do.... In total sync....tonight it's Insync in it's brutal form. The life I love is the life forlorn. I crave the bread that doesn't give me nourishment. Why? I ask I plead....and still I have no reprieve...The cuts they grind as if my very mind.... It goes mad even sad.....But Still the thought the whispering in my mind tells me that yes You make it all go away............You make it all go away.................

I just want something I can never have.

Gypsy!

I can recall when I first heard this fantastic group, It had to be circa 1988. I was living in Virginia Beach, Virginia. My best friend David Shaw and I were in the US Navy. He was dating an Iranian woman that lived in Washington DC. Falls Church Virginia to be exact. We had just purchased a 1964 Buick Skylark for 400 dollars. We thought that this old piece of American muscle was just hip enough for two young metro's. At that time there wasn't even a term Metro, but we were the epitome of it. We loved fashion, and clothing, and hip house music. We bought and read "Interview" magazine , created by Andy Wahol, just to see if our long sideburns were still "IN". We dreamed of New York City as though it were the center of the cosmos, lost in a never-ending sea of hipness. So off to DC, we went one fine weekend. Two carefree friends going to visit Dave's girlfriend. For privacy reasons I will only refer to her by her first name, which is Shadi. She had arranged a blind date for me, her best friend Nadia. Nadia was breathtakingly beautiful and very, very Tall! I am not tall .....5 foot five pushing 5 foot 6 at best.

We hit it off immediately. We went to a club that night in DC called the 5th Column. It was a really great club full of the world for sure. What I mean by that, is what I always loved about DC. It was full of people from everywhere else but the US. I love the US, but I love the world more!

I remember I heard the song "Bomboleo" by a group called the Gypsy Kings, and to the amazement of all that we were with........ I didn't know nor had I ever heard of them. They were all amazed, and almost appalled that with my Spanish heritage that I knew not . I didn't speak Spanish, and to this day do not. But!.....that doesn't mean I don't love this type of music because I do. I have a secret love affair with it. So melodic and utterly beautiful. The first song on my blog tonight is titled "Un Amor" or "A Love". Quite fitting as I adore love as you all know.

It's funny that it took a community of Iranian Immigrants to show me the unbelievable beauty of my own heritage. I was young, and fresh, and full of zeal. I still am strangely, that same young man today I was then. Only in an older package. My Spanish roots undoubtedly bore my passion. Passion I have, and passion I will die with. This music takes me back to a time that was cavalier in every way, dreamy roads to nowhere.Traveling in an old car that was spray painted on the inside, arm hanging out an open window, wind in my hair! Free! Roaming, and In Love! Not with a woman, but with the world itself. Wild eyed, no cynicism, pure and free

Time ticks by and a lifetime passes and where did it take me? That answer is yet to be told to me. Still, I love this world beyond all... but family. So beautiful is this music that in a small way.....It forged the inner being that I am.

Although the Gypsy Kings are French Nationals their roots are from Spain. I had the pleasure of walking on Spanish soil, and what a glorious country it is. I am thankful to have been able to see a-lot of the world as a young man. I hope to see her again as she has never let me down.

P.S If anyone can translate "Un Amor" for me It would be an un-payable favor!

Sweet Dreams bloggers!

In the Shadows

It's always interesting logging on to blogger and milling through miles and miles of topics. I have my favorite blogs of course, and I hope that my quirky view on life doesn't offend or scare anyone away! I mention this only because I seem to get quite a few hits daily and sometimes wonder who those people in shadows might be? Are they drive by readers? Are they Felons? Are they people at all! It's really pretty fun to wonder about "The Shadow People". I sometimes do drive by's on other blogs as well.

I took this photo about a month or so ago. I am finding that I am into photography more than painting right now. "The Shadow People" are not unlike my photo. They are there as is the photo.....But you can't really see them can you? Now i know you all are probably wondering why that is important anyway? Well really it isn't. But if you happen to be a "Shadow Person" stop and say hello!

Dating in the Dark

So I just finished watching the new ABC series "Dating in the Dark". I am hooked! I love this concept and I hate it at the same time. I wish I had the forethought to produce it as I feel as a member of the dating world that I could buy into this experiment. Or not...Many times over have I anticipated an arranged meeting and felt like rejection was around the corner. To my fascination more times than not it went well, or sooooo I thought... Am I a hulk? no....Am I a hunk? noooo...Well maybe a lil but to the slurry that is cast before me maybe not! i am interesting and fun and jovial, and well I am the patchwork of Americana that Americana has made me. Am I a catch? Yes I am a catch, because I appreciate and nurture the inner thoughts of all that is feminine. Or so I thought. This lil program changed my views. Are all women looking for Brad Fucking Pitt? Are they secretly meeting and longing for Armand Fucking Assante? I don't know you tell me? I can jog 1 mile and paint a pretty picture of life's meaning and yet I haven't the first clue as to what drives the female Psyche. Or do I? A mixed up puzzle you all are and we adore or try to and what do we get? A slammed door in a dark room without respite for as the program indicates looks drive the wagon. Or do they? I am not bad looking by any means and yet I feel this might be the case. Or is it? I am pissed because this experiment has gone array, and Well Fuck it lets have an experiment of own shall we? Let me know blogger's can we dance? Can we experiment? I will be waiting for your answers!,,,,,,,,,,And Comments!

Such a fallacy of notions

Poetic are tongues that never for whatever reasons speak: Yes I feel poetic justice around me tonight. Long lived is the fallacy of truth in all of us....Yet we scamper and grasp at the unknown....Poetry lives in each and every one us, and sometimes it consumes each and every one of us....Still I search and dig in the world that once I owned. But not today.... Illusions of gradier abound and yet still we all play this glorious game called life...

Shall we see the end? to this bold and vibrant world that steals, and pulls at every direction the threads of being? I wish for once I could remedy my blistered soul to see that I am truly a being of faith. Faith comes with consequences and it binds and tears at all that I wish were real. Like the dust we all are truly insignificant pieces of a grand puzzle that we will never solve....

So tonight lets glince at the world and flirt with her for she is is something out of pure fallacy....cold and treacherous...Walk softly, and yet our steps are heavy...within ourselves our steps are heavy.....

Dreams are just that, they are our longing, longing to do and say and to do and to say for .....today.....Allow the truth to seep within chasm's of strangers turning into dust.............

Mazzy Star

I recall the very first time I heard her voice. Angelic really. Unlike any other I heard before or since. Tonight I was just relaxing and threw on some of my favorite mellow music, and lo and behold this treasure just jumped out! I loved Mazzy Star.....Hope Sandoval, the singer with the angelic voice is 1 year older than I am. I remember when I first heard this song I didn't really know what to make of it.....Was it Country......Was it blues......was it alternative.......It has a dark soothing appeal to it. It just makes you sway.

I could listen to "fade into you" over and over, and have at times........A great glass of wine and Mazzy Star, now that's a beautiful evening! Anyone wanna join me?

Groups like this do not exist any longer, the world will not sit still long enough to produce such slow brewed concoctions of beauty. We are all too consumed in our digital worlds. each diode marking a chapter of our electronic self.

There is a glorious new Moon out tonight. It is burnt orange in color and completely full. All of you out there can see the exact same moon as I, The real question is did you even notice that it was there? That's the question we need to ask ourselves........Beauty abounds around us and yet do we see? I know I do.....I tend to notice the small things, or in this case a very large thing that most people fail to notice..... I sat outside tonight and stared at that beautiful moon, Mazzy Star running through my head....... Life is good, life is precious....Life is beauty, and I am pleased......

And so comes the rain!

Ahhh! The smell of it, I can see it...It's rain... Rain here in South Texas is as rare as the Hope Diamond and yet I can smell it....It's coming! Time to meditate in a dreamland of fun and frolic! 4th of July has come and gone and as my sister put it so eloquently....We made memories! We went to the Schertz 4th Jubilee with my niece, her sister in law, Pat and my son and I. My little man had such a wonderful day! His Dad had a great day too! Food rides and music....Not my type of music but music none the less, We had fun! Fun in life is what you make it, and life is tough at best right now. It was an oasis day outside the daily grind.

And so the rain comes to wash away all the muck.....I want to embark on a life transition into a new dawn of artistic expression. I am going to become a stylist...In every sense of the word. I am going to go to school to become a cosmetologist.....A free-er form of expression than real estate. Real Estate has been good to me, but it is so constricting......I need freedom! Freedom I shall have! Now I know what most think but not to worry I am deeply heterosexual. In this new endeavour I get the three things In life that I love the most. Artistic Creativity......Music.....Women.....

I plan to open a brutally hip and treacherous Salon. I have the name and envision the Image itself in my brain. I will not be stopped. I plan to use my strong points to be the best there is. I will attain it.......So the rain comes and washes away the old......On to a new dawn!

P.S I took the photo here of a friend of mine kelly. We have a photoshoot later this week. I liked the outcome. This was 1 of a series of 40 Shots I took of her

Happy Father's Day..........................

As this wonderful holiday approaches, I , well I feel the somberness of recollection. I have my gorgeous son with me right at this moment! He is such a beautiful soul! I look at him and, I see infinity! He is all that is good in this world. So innocent and, at peace with all around him. He is really into Abraham Lincoln right now. I have spent the last hour discussing this great man with him. I think of my own father and the man he is. A man beyond the word itself. So strong, so steadfast.

Then there's me... The square peg. I wonder if my son will ever see me as I see my own father. I would like to dream and hope that he would. Will my son ever know me like I know myself? I hope not. I hope he See's daddy as I see my father. His father lost his soul many years ago. I don't pretend to love him. I gave up all for him. I am a shell, a hollow soul, but not where he is concerned. Bitter thoughts of lost tomorrows abound this evening, and at this very minute he stands before me and I smile. I smile at him to comfort him. He knows that his daddy is different. He must. I hope he See's my love through the smoky eyes of bitterness that surrounds my being. One part of his life is filled with laughter, and for me it's the same, only the laughter is pointed at me, the everlasting fallacy of comedy. A true comedian I must be, so as my life has seemed to be a melodrama of comedy. Yes the joke's on me I guess, I perceive the truth to be that, yes the jokes on me. In the end I am alone, truly alone. Everyone has someone, and yet I do not. The women that skirt in and out of my life are mere nibbles, hirshey's kisses if you will. Always a new one never one that really matters per se'. A playboy am I? No not really because in the end I am the one left lonely, disturbed and lonely. I can rarely form a bond, a true bond with many. And so my young man approaches and offers me love, and I give it! He is the only soul that truly and infinitely loves me. For me that is enough! I see his mother in his eyes and it makes my knees weak. I have never let her go, ever.

The one person that I have never let go. I wish she knew. I wish she knew the torture, I wish she knew the pain. I wish she knew...... I have never quite been the man since, that I was with her. behind every successful man there is a woman........ I really have never been the same. Success eludes me......I see my lil man's smile and I wonder if he remembers when I was there. All of us together......I have asked him this question before and he always reply's that he remembers and I wish that he did, although the realist in me knows he doesn't. As family's gather this weekend I know there will be laughter and joy, and I too will smile. Deep down there is a half of me that will cry. Half of me will wish I could turn back the hands of time and have nothing but love like I remember love to be. Not success, not creativity, only love. So my broken heart takes another sorry step towards the realization that there really isn't anything more. For my lil man I will show a smile as I love him so.

Back on the Attack!

So my mighty blogger friends! I have been absent for a bit......Back to the scrappy indignant angst that makes my lil world go round and round! First off: What the fuck happened to our economy? Where has it gone? I for one still buy beer and wine and porno mags so where is everyone else? Ha ha! I was just kiddin about buying wine and beer! lol. I was reading the latest gossip today about John and kate plus eight.......Who really gives a shit? Has our society come to this evil end? I can now be reached by the entire universe via blackberry.......I want to stay safe and warm in my own solitude! however should you wish I can be reached via the internet, and text, and cell, and myspace, and facebook, and roaming aimlessly on the public transit system just to get a feel for the downtrodden.

I was buying a pack of smokes yesterday and a guy asked me for a dollar. I thought about it and, I have to say I really wanted my dollar. I needed my dollar. I looked at him and I felt obligated to part with my George Washington......Then he got all pissy with me about how he was in a pickle with the IRS and his home was up for auction. I thought WTF? Here I am wanting to be nice and he throws some stupid line on me. Well What did I do? Yupz You guessed it I gave him the damn dollar. Just so happens That I picked up a website contract wednesday morning, so I said WTF.....I saw him ask another guy for a buck, and he did'nt get that one.....I wonder if I should panhandle, and tell people I need plastic surgery. It might be worth filming and all.

I will accept paypal donations for this endevour and donate all the proceeds to Spanky's.....What is Spanky's you ask? Well We call it Spanks.....Its a cool lil dive bar that I hang out at. Heavy Karaoke and tatoo's.......My kinda joint! I want to paint again soon, but i am feeling uninspired. I wish Godzilla would just like fight the Mothra already! I have been helping my dad take care of my mom for a full week now as we lost her caregiver.....I am getting a lil stir Crazy, but my mom is loads of fun.....She is quite the joker. I havent smoke so many cigarrettes though. It's her only vice so who am I not to join her as she smokes? My sis is comming tommorrow to help out so I will get to get out for a second or two, or three.

I have an all access pass to a group named Riot next Wednesday. My friend Donnie Van Stavern plays bass in Riot. Yes Riot was a huge heavy rock band in the 80's but they also did metal in the 90's and they are on a reunion tour. Worldwide tour. Just so happens that i drink tequilla with Donnie Weekly. So I get to be a somebody for a night. We plan to have some damn messed up fun......Groupies beware!

I have been addicted to facebook lately. I can now join groups like: We like pizza......I play great Applications like:....What kind of jewelry would I be if I was in Sri Lanka? Yes I have fun continually! I have re-connected with a whole lotta people that didn't give a fuck about me back in tha day! So hey It's all good in tha hood! I have forged some great friendships as well!

As for the recent controversy surrounding American Idol? I feel that the true artist won that one......Adam was a bit dramatical for my taste. I personally like the Ruben Studdards of the world. LOL.....Oh and Clay Aiken rocked man.....He rocked! I am amazed that America wakes up everyday and tunes in and technically drops out.....We are like sheep.......Bahhing our way through life without the least bit of concern.......Oh but wait I have a message on FaceBook! Oh and I got a tweet from Ashton.......Damn I get it!

I am currently being followed by 863 Christian groups on Twitter. They all want me to be saved. I didnt know I was lost? Maybe I am.......Damn Spanks was good last week....Oh shit maybe I do need to be saved?

I am currently listening to Public Enemy like right now.....So I am feeling Millitant.....I am wearing my Millitant clothes Right now........

I am spending quite a bit of time with my son lately.....He is growing up sooooo fast! We are having a great time as he grows......His mother is pleased.....I took him to the barber on Wednesday.......He was a straight up lil man! I was very proud of him....Why you ask? he finally got to get his hair cut the way he wanted! I had no imput into it. I let him do as he saw fit. I still paid for it.........It came out great......

I don't think I have ever posted a post like this before.....But what the hell its my life and I can write if want to???? lol....

Cryptic messages do abound!

The old wound to all of us... it has a different meaning and patina. It could be so simple as a comrade that turns on us....It could mean a persons glance in the hopes to catch an eye...It could mean so many different things..... We all travel a path unknown to us, if only we could proceed time by a mere few seconds what wisdom we would have?....If only we had that intimate information to alter our course? What a concept? The paths we walk are all different and yet by our own human hands, or feet for that matter, we make them the same. Writing is an expressive art form. One I was urged by my beautiful sister Patti to explore. Allot of times she shows amazement as to the being that creates these posts. Tonight I write for you, and for me... I simply write. I had a conversation this evening with a person I consider a confidant. I asked her a simple question and put her in a corner of sorts. I asked her to write her thoughts on me in 100 words or less. Here it is:



" My friend, Cobes.... is a special, and unique person. If he crosses your path, call yourself blessed. and do not ever expect him to give you what you see. he has his own mind, and his own perception of this world. when in the company of Mr. Olivarez you will never be bored and he will surprise you with his intense insight to life and love..... the most brilliant dialectic you will ever know. He is a poet in his own right, with a deep, and spiritual heart. Freedom of expression and free to live life. So full of life and optimism even with the trials and tribulations... now that is beautiful !! "

As I read these words, I became choked up because I never really know how others see, or view me... I always have a picture of people not being able to see past the doom and gloom and really....really see what is there. Happiness and thankfulness. That is what I am.. Thankful that I am alive...Thankful that I have a strong family...Thankfull...just plain ole thankful. Thank you my friend for seeing in me all that I want all of you to see...... Oh and by the way! Thank you Patti, my beautiful middle sister, because you and I share a bond that can never be broken.... We share Love! For yoU this evening my dear sister I Play this song, as i know its's among your favorites. Always remember "Home Sweet Home" !

I laugh, I learn!

Spurting out words of Cataclysm's is easy for me so I give you the words of "The Spurned"

Deft: Deftly we try to escape the ties that bind us to treachery

Skill: Skillfully we maneuver around life's obstacles like keystone cops

Want: We all want what we cannot have.

Needs: Do we really need all we have?

Lust: We lust for that which we do not dare.

Craft: Craftily we all seek that which eludes us

Gain: Can we ever gain or dare to attain life's lofty goals set before us? ( I say yes!)

Money: Is there ever enough? or the lack there of?

Ambition: Tutelage on this subject has taught me that we can never have enough of it!

Correlation: we never see eye to eye.

Diction: Can you speak on my level?

Sarcasm: Refer to the quote above! lol

Honesty: Can one ever be honest with themselves?

Truism: Jeopardy is fun.

Angst: Do I or do I not hate the world?

Personality: To have, or have not.

Inquisitive: My credit card is maxed therefore I cannot look you up on intellius.com!

Comical: I see myself everyday therefore do I need a definition?

Hope: There is open interpretation to this one isn't there?

Longing: We all yearn for the untouchable in the end.

For Heather:

Show me , Show me, Show me how you do that trick , the one that makes me scream she said, The one that makes me laugh she said, threw her arms around my neck. Show me how you do it, and I promise you, I promise that...I'll run away with you...I'll run away with you.......

Time didn't prove those words to me.. no, time like the bastard he is proved that words unspoken are words undone. I put together a playlist of music tonight that consists of 1 song...1 beautiful song... All the artist's that did it after the first did it well...but the first....Well, the first is the first.

I drove to the club...a smokey dark place filled with miscreants...my type!...Tattoos weren't chic then, although I had a few by then. Walking into a seemingly benign state of fixated dullness i walked. paid my toll as I did often I happened upon what I would later know to be my "paradise".

I met "her"there that evening. I simply met her. I recall her presence as though I had stepped into heaven itself. Her image haunts me. Confused? no as any of you know that regularly read my blog.....my main theme is love or love lost. My ex was not my first love as you all know...But "she"...."she" was.... Love like I never knew before, and yet there she stood, or better yet there she danced...Alone..Without a partner... In a beautiful black bolero hat, and a white shirt bejeweled with all the 80's had to offer. boots glistening and moving to a beat of an unheard god i watched! ...and I watched! I know you probably think I just dream these things up, but I caution you! I don't! They happened as sure as I am writing.....They happened. Love struck me immediately! Pierced right through my hardened exterior.

I can't really say I was attractive either...I had thick spiked hair...ratty clothing...I was everything that punk said I should be.....Hard....yet I wasn't....not to "her" To "her" I would become King! I was her savior, I was hers and hers alone. For years we were together, and I can't or don't remember a time that we fought. Not until the end. As is usual int the world the end always comes. I left our city to find a new beginning. When I returned someone else had already harvested my jewel. We had talked of being together forever, we were the same we were. She and I....In every way. Strawberry blond hair and eyes of green, Irish at that! I have a penchant for the Irish, don't know why? maybe she started it all..

So as life moved on I have to admit that "she" stayed with me... That forbidden fruit, if you will. MY family would tell you she and I were destined to be one in the same....But for some life is a cruel game. I found my first love a few back...I found her online...I was ecstatic! My father encouraged me to search....I found her at last! I found her alright...A bit too late... You see my 1st love had a different fate......

She died on a Texas highway on a Sunday Morning... In the clear of day she was killed in an automobile accident. I remember her face, her smile, her voice. She died on September 19th 2007. I found her on October the 3rd 2007.....14 days too late.

Time is a demon that robs us of our fate....it's never too late....or is it?

Heather's favorite color was pink!