For Heather:

Show me , Show me, Show me how you do that trick , the one that makes me scream she said, The one that makes me laugh she said, threw her arms around my neck. Show me how you do it, and I promise you, I promise that...I'll run away with you...I'll run away with you.......

Time didn't prove those words to me.. no, time like the bastard he is proved that words unspoken are words undone. I put together a playlist of music tonight that consists of 1 song...1 beautiful song... All the artist's that did it after the first did it well...but the first....Well, the first is the first.

I drove to the club...a smokey dark place filled with miscreants...my type!...Tattoos weren't chic then, although I had a few by then. Walking into a seemingly benign state of fixated dullness i walked. paid my toll as I did often I happened upon what I would later know to be my "paradise".

I met "her"there that evening. I simply met her. I recall her presence as though I had stepped into heaven itself. Her image haunts me. Confused? no as any of you know that regularly read my blog.....my main theme is love or love lost. My ex was not my first love as you all know...But "she"...."she" was.... Love like I never knew before, and yet there she stood, or better yet there she danced...Alone..Without a partner... In a beautiful black bolero hat, and a white shirt bejeweled with all the 80's had to offer. boots glistening and moving to a beat of an unheard god i watched! ...and I watched! I know you probably think I just dream these things up, but I caution you! I don't! They happened as sure as I am writing.....They happened. Love struck me immediately! Pierced right through my hardened exterior.

I can't really say I was attractive either...I had thick spiked hair...ratty clothing...I was everything that punk said I should be.....Hard....yet I wasn't....not to "her" To "her" I would become King! I was her savior, I was hers and hers alone. For years we were together, and I can't or don't remember a time that we fought. Not until the end. As is usual int the world the end always comes. I left our city to find a new beginning. When I returned someone else had already harvested my jewel. We had talked of being together forever, we were the same we were. She and I....In every way. Strawberry blond hair and eyes of green, Irish at that! I have a penchant for the Irish, don't know why? maybe she started it all..

So as life moved on I have to admit that "she" stayed with me... That forbidden fruit, if you will. MY family would tell you she and I were destined to be one in the same....But for some life is a cruel game. I found my first love a few back...I found her online...I was ecstatic! My father encouraged me to search....I found her at last! I found her alright...A bit too late... You see my 1st love had a different fate......

She died on a Texas highway on a Sunday Morning... In the clear of day she was killed in an automobile accident. I remember her face, her smile, her voice. She died on September 19th 2007. I found her on October the 3rd 2007.....14 days too late.

Time is a demon that robs us of our fate....it's never too late....or is it?

Heather's favorite color was pink!

Leap!

Life in it's escence is risk, and at what cost does life brings us to the brink? Going back in time we can all relate to youthful passions....The thrill of the first ball caught, or the wistful feeling of our first kiss. That glorious feeling of anatomical hormones rushing though our youthful bodies epitomizes the greatest joys in life. At what point do we loose that luster, that passion? does it ever go away?

Life is to be lived and at best to be conquered, but for most, what we find is that we linger in limbo....That ever steady state of complacency. Once in a blue moon....Some, not most, but some, linger beyond the point of return. Walking to the edge is a courageous and yet unfulfilled and lonely walk. A walk without respite. The edge can feel so, ...oh ....so comforting at times. Strange how the universe settles it's debts. To you, I am crazy, but in my own fantastic world of duplicity..... I am king! My will! Do what I will! .... But what of free will? A wise man once said that free will in man was his gift, but from whom I I ask? Am I alone? Alone here tonight within my thoughts . My mind is fed by lions with eyes of gold. My story told! Two fold! So ever so gently I am intertwined in a world created by own sick mind. A mind that needs to believe that my life has worth but not love?

To exit in a swans song is the easiest way to go. To shun, be brave, live....to go....Beyond the heights so high they are, I must Climb!...... Poetic justice is my friend tonight, as I lay here and fight...Fight with myself! ....In myself, and only about myself ! I shudder, but for another that see's me the same as I did then, but here I go again...Sin...to the world, I sin...Look in, into my darkest of souls, to my god, I sin! ...and in the end? I sin..........

Blogger's, not to worry I am fine, quite happy actually! I wrote this for a beautiful friend of mine..........Coby

For Debbie

Enjoy my friend!

Such is life...Stugatz!.. Embrace in that which makes no utter sense at all. Live life as though it's your only one....After all it is.........................

Vino! Ciao Bella!

The doors to the Cathedral have opened, and tonight my only thoughts are those of the past... The past, how we rewrite in every way, that which we think we recall, or even scarcely believe to be the truth. Twisting and turning, my roller coaster ride continues. Life in it's essence calls upon us to reach, grasp, and to shudder at it's feet the greatest of life's gifts....Our memory! Come with me on a magical journey back in time... I see myself a young man, a bare soul on the canvas of the world. Life wasn't always a box of chocolates. At times I can recall life being....Unbearable. An ugly duckling amongst stallions.. Walk and walk I will, try to get my fill of a life that at points, tried to sideline me.

This song takes me back to a happier time, along with a friend named Eva, I will walk the wooded trail of memories. Memories that as you soon will find can turn on a dime. Nothing is ever what you think. Eva may, or may not be a fictional heroine. A heroine of my soul, my very being. Cast away amongst memories I would rather not recall. Yet tonight I am forced to regurgitate memories of years gone by. From a time that I was an oaf, a hideous little oaf. Bespectacled and weak a vision of ineptitude. My waltz with Eva this evening has proven, better yet taught me that....we all have our demons. Mine were forged from rage...Rage against the machine if you will.

My demons travel with me at every turn I see it, and feel it. It never leaves me. Might I say hello? No, hello is too kind a word. I invite it in and so the story begins.

Small, frail, weak... The boy realizes he can't, or for lack of understanding... He won't rise above. The oppressor has him within it's grasp! Burn bright the phoenix that will rise. Brighter than anyone ever expected. A voice! I have Eva to thank, for although she may never know she broke the cocoon of a sleeping butterfly! many questions were answered this night, Known or unknown.. Countless bits of salacious information that guided a frog to his princedom. For you to understand, you must Know that Eva is my inner mind speaking, and sometimes shouting! Am I Sybil? No I assure I am not.

Eva by my side I will guide you through my soul. Trust is a gem. One not easily given. Yet Eva has mine. In my pent up world of make believe I cast a ring of platinum beset with stones of color! I realized tonight with my inner friend that we are all toiled in our selves. How can this be?

Allow me to describe Eva. Beautiful as she is. Confident...A dream in the minds of many I assure you. I recall visions of this creature that to describe I might need Shakespeare's tongue! I don't possess that talent so I will abide to my own words...Beauty in every way. A memory, Piercing eyes, The mane of a lion! Am I affixed? You see Eva was unattainable. A Schoolboys fantasy. A dream. So my life goes on......and on it goes down winding paths of insurrection. So deep in Mother earth have I traveled that I forget that I am an Oaf. Impish at best. Yet I grow.Stories shared this evening lead me to believe that I may not have been an imp after all. I counter myself with myself. You See Eva might just be me. To my friend Eva................. only you will truly know if you are real or not. To my friend I thank you. I may be thanking Myself....Only you know for certain..........

Ah, the rush of spring is upon us all. I recall a memory as deep as it is seated it glares at me. A young man walks, and I used to love to walk. Down streets of glory, like a rocket I flew through the streets of New York. I was a sponge, soaking up every second of time that made itself available. I loved the street book vendors. Not because they had something to read, rather they tried so very hard to get me to buy anything they had. Let me tell you, They listened intently on any given signal and BAMM! there it was they were with me. Affinity on the corner!

Of course life back then was oh so simple. I recall a very close friend of mine His name was David. He was my best friend. We would go down to canal street to try and find anything by Willie Smith....AKA willywear....Man were we crazy. We went down to the Bowery one night and found ourselves in a club that we waited maybe three hours to get into, and Lo and behold who did we see? It was Cindy Crawford in VIP, literally it really was. I remember staring at her for all of 10 minutes straight. She of course was cordoned off by velvet ropes, but a young man can hope? whew! NYC and me a great combination! I recently asked my son if he would go there with me, he said "No daddy I want to go to Nicaragua"!