Independance Day................

Now I know what you all must be thinking? Coby listens to Country Music?????......Actually I don't, however, I am a lover of music. So this song seems quite fitting today. Oh....and yes I do like it . I always have. Martina Mcbride has such a beautiful voice. Don't ask me if I know her extensive catalogue....I don't....but I do love this 1 song.

Today was a day like any other in my life. I woke up, I showered, I ate breakfast. Not unlike any other day I suppose, but today was a little different. I had my son yesterday so today I woke up and took him to school. He as you all know lives with his mom, and they live about an hours drive from me. Funny thing is we all live in San Antonio. It's actually that big! So here he and I are on the long drive to school. He told me that his mommy was going to be going to court today. Of course I already knew because.... I too would be in court this day...This dreary miserable, drizzling cold day. I made the split decision to tell him why. I am his father after all. You see......I don't recall ever stating this here before but here goes.....

His mother and I have been seperated for 5 years now. Why we never formally divorced has been a question of great speculation all these years. Some said a love like ours could never be broken. Some said we didn't have the time or money. Some said we were just plain stupid.....Some said.....

When I got home I had but one thing on my mind. I have to look dashing! Why this was a concern to me is anyones guess. Maybe it was some sick romantic notion that I felt if I looked great it wouldn't happen. I sat in a dark courtroom, and it wasn't anything like I had envisioned. For some odd reason I thought the end of a union filled with romance would somehow be romantic. The only thing romantic about it was my long walk through downtown San Antonio in the rain after it was done.

In the end 18 and one quarter years of history together were wiped clean in a matter of minutes. The wait was 20 times as long as the act itself. I looked good, and it did not matter. I shared this experience with one friend,... and only one friend as it was happening. Other than a last minute notice to my parents, I had not told a single soul.

As I write this....It will be my sisters' first notification of this event. I kept it completely to myself. I feel good in many ways that my long ordeal is finaly legally over. I feel that it may take some time for me to digest the whole of it. I walked out of that courtroom as I came in.....

Alone.

My now ex- Mother in Law called me shorltly afterwards and told me that no matter what I would always be her Son in Law. She told me how much she loved and cared for me. I thought that was quite nice in a weird way.

I walked around downtown, and snapped alot of pictures. The one on here today was one of them. In the foreground just peaking into the shot is a beautiful lone building called the Tower life building. It stands alone amidst others. It is different as am I. So today really was a romantic day in a way. It's the day I gave my heart away.......

09.11.01

I painted this canvas in the fall of 2005. One of my best friends in the world Adrian has it. It is titled "09.11.01". When I painted it I wanted to convey a fogginess...A haze. The photo is not out of focus. The painting itself is out of focus, just like we as nation were out of focus, and left with the horrible aftermath of a world tragedy. I had been to the Towers many times in my life. They were the shining symbols progress, and Metropolitan Life. To me, they represented the city itself. They truly were the fingerprints of the worlds greatest city.

All the while in Gotham-esque awe I never once thought about the human beings that worked inside them. My many visits to Windows on the World, The restaurant on the 106th and 107th floor of Tower 1 were filled with memories of utter joy. Never once had I taken the opportunity to notice the People there. How I wish I had.

I painted the Towers red to symbolize many things. Fire, Rage, Fear, Angst. Across it I scrawled the words "Lest we Forget".

I lost a very close friend to the tragedy of 9-11. His name was Wallace Allen. He was a great man in many ways. He was so proud to have been able to say that he worked in the Towers at the World Trade Center. It had in many ways become his calling card. If you asked him where he worked he would quickly tell you. Tha Towas. No I didn't misspell that, That's the way he said it as his New York accent was always present. I met him ironically in San Antonio Texas in the mid 90's. He was here on a contract job with the phone company. It was that profession that led him to his fate. He worked for Atlantic Bell, which had a contract with Northern Telecom. He was in Tower # 1 on September 11 2001 when it fell. I didn't find out about his fate for 3 months.

Today of course is the Eigth anniversary of that fateful day. Barely any coverage anymore. Hardly a whisper.......I plan to do a very controversial piece of artwork soon. With all of your help I can do it. I have researched, and nothing like it exists. I see it in my mind. It is an image. I plan to do it and it will be noticed because of it's sheer Factor of terror. It will be frightening. It will hit a nerve. Will you all help me? I am hoping you will.

Lest We Forget.......................

Rain!

I love the rain, It comes along so infrequently. It washes all the dirt away.....

It rained hard and steady this morning for at least 2 hours. I woke up quite early this morning to the sound of thunder. It was blissful! The weather has been flirting with us down here for a few days now. Mother Earth finally opened her arms and let it rain!

Clean?

Man my soul needs cleansing...It needs it so very badly...I have spent oceans of time contemplating mistakes and non observances.....It's time to heal, and yet I can't, for some unknown reason do it. I don't want to let go, and I know I should, If only I could....Everyone around me tells me your spectacular, your the best!, and yet I feel that no I am not the best.....I am not even second best.... Maybe third best is ok, but I don't want to be third best. I live in a fantasy-land of the past...I reflect and look back, and I can see myself smile....I haven't smiled in such a long time... I want to smile again...I love the band Filter, the music takes back to a better time, a time when I was at peace, and I love peace...I need peace....I beg for peace in this fucked up life that doesn't stop or hope to stop for me.....I want peace.....

She can give me peace...she could..... If only she knew....I sit I type I reflect and I feel sadness, always...Little ray's of sunlight come along, and then, inevitably the darkness comes....I feel like a fool that will never learn the error of his ways......Never learn or will I? No I will never learn...It is my destiny to stay stupified in my own melancholy world of shit....It's where I feel the most safe....Safety in gloom is far better than reality is it not? No, it isn't, and yet I tread the waters of life without a course.....Souless at best... If only for a moment, if only she could see, feel and touch as I do... If only...... I pour my heart and soul out here, and all I really hope for is that one chance...That miniscule chance that she would find me.....I know she won't...And If she did, she wouldn't see my words as I do.......Only I can see the real me...and in that she is me............