Poem about a toilet

Yes I love this because....
I am an insane piece of shit...
and you brought me down...


But the fact is is that I see a vision of what and I never really had:
Because of you I feel I can feel myself:
then again I see the things that bring you the presipice of where I knew I've been:

Ohh I can see myself:
Has nothing to do with the you and the me, Although the plans you had I can hardly see:

You see Everything turns outside from the inside:

I see red and then I dont know what I have found...

Ya know I cleanse myself on the OUTSIDe
Yes I cleanse myselff on the inside.

I scatter all the world to the tides they turn and they feel me like I knew that you would turn:

But then the man with the sodfull legs turned me down to see myself:


Yes I wrote this and yes I hate the world as you shallow and you fallow to hear my voice, but you just can't.........

It's easy from the outside.....................

Yes! I painted this masterful work of sodry, Hold on as we glide to the bottom of the Quarry.

New Format

Hot Drippy Wet
Hot
Hot Drippy Wet
Drippy
Hot Drippy Wet
Wet

Iconic Beauty Warmth
Iconic
Iconic Beauty Warmth
Beauty
Iconic Beauty Warmth
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I am back with a different spin on the world. A bit of a blogging sabatical.
Art is Life
Art is Death
Art is Chaos
Art is hot
Art is Drippy
Art is wet

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The End.

This last post is for you. We sat alone along time ago and listened to this song and even then, we knew at some point one of us would remember the other by it.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


I write this last post as a farewell to you my blogging friends. Yes this will be my last post. I have spent the last 2 years of writing in a public forum as a sort of cleansing if you will. Those of you that have so graciously followed ...Thank you. You have traveled with me through this journey.....I am at peace with myself ,and to every extent with the person that put me here to begin with. Tonight I made Risotto, In full Italian style. I cooked and I felt and I drank, and I wept for that truly is what Risotto is meant to be. Emotion on a plate. The song playing is by Don Henley. It is a song I know well.

For Melinda This blog is titled foryouandonlyyouyouknowwhoyouare.... "Ya I'm learning to live without you now...but I miss you sometimes.... But the more I know the less I understand... All The things I thought I'd knew... I'm learning again.... I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter... but I think it's about forgiveness..forgiveness even if ...even if you don't love me anymore"......
Yes we change in a cycle ....of who knows what ...and in the end ....it all seems for naught....
walk this entire life so taut........... and I really thought I knew........ It was really only you ............but with all that we went through....All the penniless moments... that we cascaded through ..All the strange and vivid adventures It was only me and you..loving endless triumphs ...of just me..just me and fucking and you........
"I'm learning to live without you now...but I miss you baby.... But the more I know the less I understand... All The things I thought I'd thought I figured out.. I have to learn again.... I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... Everything changes and my friends seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness...Forgiveness...Even if..Even if you don't love me anymore."


Everything changes........... yes it changes my friends ..The heart seems to glitter....... even though you know it's gone.....I traveled a lifetime......... to be with you, and in an instant you were gone. For another I do long.............."I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter... but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness...Forgiveness...Even if..Even if you don't love me"...., Yes the old heart tugs at the new.....She knows who she is....as crazy as it seems....

Goodbye Mel, I love you now as I did then, but then again what is love anyway? A fading memory of a time gone by. I wish you luck. And Yes I think it's about forgiveness.....And Yes I do forgive you.

Even if...Even if ..You don't love me........................................................................................................................................................................

It's Impossible

Tonight I write not for myself, but for two others that I wish you all knew. So in this as I sit here i will introduce you to my life. I have always had an adventurous spirit to a fault my family would tell you. Never fearful of the unknown. I was always a bit out of the norm. I always take comfort in knowing that my eccentricities were condoned by my beautiful mother. You see she herself was in every way quite the artist. Although she took the safe path I believe my mother held the artistic capacity that later in my life fueled my talent. You see my mother was an art teacher, it is what I have gathered , the thing she loved the most. Of her three children I really feel I take after her the most. My sisters may disagree, however there are traits in her that only I possess. You see this story tonight will be about a man coming to grips with the fact that life isn't always fair, and it shouldn't be really. Sometimes life has a way of setting itself straight no matter the cost. And the price is high I assure you. I was never really all that close to my parents as a young man. At 19 I left my family and went on a journey that they themselves will never know. Bit's here and there to console curiosity, but my life at that time was mine and mine alone. My sisters provided them with all they could handle. Marriage, college and the like. As for me I was referred to as Junior. The ever wayward Junior. Junior always had a story...He always had an adventure....Good or bad he was consistent with a story. I returned home and found a love, and that love separated him from his family. Time passed....Yes lots of time passed....

So we skip past decades of time to find us here in the present...I find myself here and for reasons I can't explain I am a grown man that has been blessed with the greatest gift a mortal can be given. I have been given a second chance. A chance to know and love the greatest individuals I will ever know. I sat and watched them this evening and my heart broke open. It wasn't what they were doing, rather it was what they weren't doing.As some of you may know my mother was afflicted wit Multiple Sclerosis in the late 80's. It has taken a horrible toll on her, and on my father. So I watch them carefully today as I have done for nearly 2 years now. And I wonder what life could have been. The horrors I experience through their struggles is unfathomable. I have learned not to speak of bad days as good days inevitably come.

My life is greatly altered and changed since I made the decision to move in and watch over them. My father makes a point weekly to let me know that merely having me here puts them at ease. Knowing that if needed I am here. I do quite a bit for them in the way of daily happenings. I don't think that most would ever understand. If my post's wreak of loneliness they do...A different kind of loneliness, because it is double edged, as a sword. On one side it is filled with laughter and content, and on the other hollow and empty. How can that be?

I will explain. I have had the honor of getting to know my parents like no other. I see them both in their good moments and bad. I hear all of their life's stories over and over. I hear my mother cry in pain, and I feel my fathers frustration. It is a cruel tandem. And yet I am privileged to experience the whole of it. A friend asked me recently why I couldn't find a companion. Funny thing is......I can, Yet can I really? I am too deep now with my parents. I cannot have a life outside of theirs...not now. How could I ever leave them? I can't, and won't. Therefore my personal life is at least for now totally entwined with theirs. My relationships are one night stands at best, and for now that has to be good enough for me. It is good enough for me. I sat with them this evening as I do Every evening, and we laughed. I relished in the deep hard laugh of my beautiful mother. When all is said and done I will feel that something out there gave me a second chance to know these two as never I had known.

For that I am thankful.

P.S This is their favorite song. It was written by Armando Manzanero, and remade by Perry Como. You may know it as "It's Impossible" This version was wonderfully re done by Adrea' Bocelli and Christina Aguillera. After all llife is impossible.........

Exploring the Rabbit Hole once again......

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time, and time , and fucking time again... again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.

Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................

I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......

Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies beneath.....

Envy treats....

Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....

Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"I am a bitch. How do you want me? From behind or on my knees?.... I am a slut.Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!"

Oh! and if you were wondering! yes I painted this beautifully sinfull piece today.........let's play!

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.
Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................
I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......
Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies Envy treats....
Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....
Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up...

"I am a bitch. How do you want me? From behind or on my knees?.... I am a slut.Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!"

.

I am a painter, and my mind is full to the hilt this evening. Filled with displeasure and disdain....Painting time again. I just finished the above piece entitled "ENVY"........ A powerful word to say the least.

I lay it at your feet....

It can consume as it fuels...Fuel for fodder if you choose.
Tranceing beats ellipse my thought process, into a frenzy.......................
I feel my body and soul consumed by rhythmic beats......
Hard Beats to entice the ugliness that lies Envy treats....
Paint with every stroke ...the mesmerizing wash as my soul goes........ ......Don't stop....paint on in envy.....
Envy for those that will fuck you up. This shit will fuck you up........dance in a trance and always continue to push your mind past the point of no return....Paint through the pain.......twist writhe and feel your pain.....This shit will fuck you up....

"I am a bitch.How do you want me? From behind or on my knees? I am a slut!.... Please hold me down. 'll be art noise. This shit will fuck you up!".

I'LL BE ART NOISE!

Funny thing about life:

Funny how life is such a multitude of Dualities. I love, I hate, I am having a bad day, yet in an instant something small can turn my day into something glorious.

The last month or so has really been a hard one for me no doubt. Outwardly, I have been a rock. Inside, I have been anything but.

Throughout all this time a lil visitor always seems to level me out. He is slight of build, but has the strength of
an entire nation. He is inquisitive. He loves and adores the weather. He will receive a telescope for Christmas. He is forgiving. He is understanding. He is a star unto himself. He is the coolest creature I know, and he knows it because he knows his daddy is a pretty cool cat himself. He is my legacy. I can write about him for hours. I think I will:

This upcoming Wednesday which is our day together, I will take him to the bank to set him up with his own account. My lil man is really interested and fascinated by money. Not in an adult way either which may make it a lil bad. His fascination is quite innocent. I will take him with his grandfather, and together 3 generations of Olivarez men will open an account for our newest tycoon. He will be able to follow it's growth on the internet. He told me this evening that he wants to save 200 dollars, and immediately it changed to 5000, then 100 thousand.

My pride masks all the negativity of the last week as I realize that my son doesn't understand that his mother and I were ever together to begin with. This can be good and bad , but for now it's good.

I can see him right now in my mind. I hope he see's things that I never could. I hope he see's the cure of cancer. I hope he see's world Peace. I hope He see's... It's quite pleasing to know my gene-pool will go on beyond my great grandfather, and his son, and his son, and then me. It's perplexing to think that my son may see the year 2100. It pleases me to know that he will always know me as his father, his daddy. The man that stands up for him in any circumstance he gets into.

My sacrifices are for him, and only him. He pleases me in every way. To my dear son John Camron I leave this electronic fingerprint for all the world to know that I love you so.

See you tomorrow my angel! Know that your daddy is never far away.


I took the above photo in downtown San Antonio. I loved its fortitude, like that of my lil man!