Friday, June 19, 2009

Happy Father's Day..........................

As this wonderful holiday approaches, I , well I feel the somberness of recollection. I have my gorgeous son with me right at this moment! He is such a beautiful soul! I look at him and, I see infinity! He is all that is good in this world. So innocent and, at peace with all around him. He is really into Abraham Lincoln right now. I have spent the last hour discussing this great man with him. I think of my own father and the man he is. A man beyond the word itself. So strong, so steadfast.

Then there's me... The square peg. I wonder if my son will ever see me as I see my own father. I would like to dream and hope that he would. Will my son ever know me like I know myself? I hope not. I hope he See's daddy as I see my father. His father lost his soul many years ago. I don't pretend to love him. I gave up all for him. I am a shell, a hollow soul, but not where he is concerned. Bitter thoughts of lost tomorrows abound this evening, and at this very minute he stands before me and I smile. I smile at him to comfort him. He knows that his daddy is different. He must. I hope he See's my love through the smoky eyes of bitterness that surrounds my being. One part of his life is filled with laughter, and for me it's the same, only the laughter is pointed at me, the everlasting fallacy of comedy. A true comedian I must be, so as my life has seemed to be a melodrama of comedy. Yes the joke's on me I guess, I perceive the truth to be that, yes the jokes on me. In the end I am alone, truly alone. Everyone has someone, and yet I do not. The women that skirt in and out of my life are mere nibbles, hirshey's kisses if you will. Always a new one never one that really matters per se'. A playboy am I? No not really because in the end I am the one left lonely, disturbed and lonely. I can rarely form a bond, a true bond with many. And so my young man approaches and offers me love, and I give it! He is the only soul that truly and infinitely loves me. For me that is enough! I see his mother in his eyes and it makes my knees weak. I have never let her go, ever.

The one person that I have never let go. I wish she knew. I wish she knew the torture, I wish she knew the pain. I wish she knew...... I have never quite been the man since, that I was with her. behind every successful man there is a woman........ I really have never been the same. Success eludes me......I see my lil man's smile and I wonder if he remembers when I was there. All of us together......I have asked him this question before and he always reply's that he remembers and I wish that he did, although the realist in me knows he doesn't. As family's gather this weekend I know there will be laughter and joy, and I too will smile. Deep down there is a half of me that will cry. Half of me will wish I could turn back the hands of time and have nothing but love like I remember love to be. Not success, not creativity, only love. So my broken heart takes another sorry step towards the realization that there really isn't anything more. For my lil man I will show a smile as I love him so.